the last flower.

this was the last dandelion i found in a field today.  

ah, lessons.  they never stop do they?  we grow older and older yet there's always more and more to learn.

today i've found, no matter how smart or hip or evolved i think i've become, there's always more improvement, more evolution, more humility to be found.  the growing never ends... as much as i wish it would sometimes!

i can't ever stop watching myself, checking myself, making sure what i'm doing and saying isn't reactive and automated.

being in a relationship is really challenging at times, we all know this.  but i truly think it's worth it, because your mate is pretty much the only person who can point out your shitiness without directly insulting your ego.

that ego!  man, it's tricky.  it's like.. 'hey girl, i'm gone, you're acting out of purity and kindness.'  but, wait ego, no you're still here, telling me what to think.  it'll lie to you.  yep, it will!

anyways, your life partner or best friend can convey that you've done something problematic with just a change in atmosphere, a change in body language and in tone of voice; such a delicate change that only someone close to him or her can sense it.

today i said some things to my mate that left a stagnant and blocked feeling in the room.  he had a vacant look in his face and got quiet.  i immediately knew i caused this.  damn, to be the cause of someone you love's stress- one of the worst feelings in the world.  within 30 minutes i felt bad and apologized, unraveled, and released.

this is why we need people to be close to us- to understand our own programming.  i tell myself pretty much daily to CONTROL, MAKE TIDY, PERFECT, HOLD ON!  i don't see how this affects me and others until it directly effects my daily life.  and today it did.  i felt guilty and responsible for another, an another i love's, pain.

i went on a run with liam after to release some stress i induced from my love's stress.  i found myself annoyed that liam kept stopping our run to pee and sniff stuff.  i got frustrated and yelled at him a little.  we stopped at one of our favorite spots for him to jump in the water and fetch some sticks.  lucky for me, liam's joy is contagious... then an older man came by, and watched liam jump with all his heart from some rocks to get the stick, and let me tell you, this man laughed and twinkled.  he said, "this is just what it's like to be a kid again."

that old man and his words stuck with me for the rest of my run.  i felt bad for getting short with liam, for his being youthful and exploring.  to be a kid again, i don't want to ever forget that we all have within us what it is to be a kid again, to soak up information and use it to grow.

the things i tell myself daily- that i need to be perfect, that i must do everything just right, that i have to have some form of hidden control over things, that i need to accomplish certain events everyday to be happy- these mantras are not true!

these notions are lies, invented by my ego to cope with things in my past.  they don't hold weight anymore.  i'm lucky i have supportive people in my life to love me even when i'm living in a conspiracy theory; and better yet, to point out to me that i'm living in a drama of my own creation!

today, i am slowing letting go.  no, it's not easy.  it's rough and the progress is slow.  but, you know what- that's ok. no one is perfect and i don't want to be perfect.  it's boring and not creative.  so there, ego!  i don't want your rules!

i took a class by elena brower tonight on yogaglo.com and was reminded- our breath can nurture us, sometimes more than anything else.  i'm breathing so deeply right now, breathing into the parts of myself that are clenched and caught up on perfection.  i know that cultivating compassion for myself is the only way i can ever dream of having true compassion for anyone else.

i am still a child.  i have so much to learn about myself and about the world.  and i'm nurtured by this truth.  it is a humiliating truth in a way, and it brings me right back to my roots here on the earth as an organic animal being.

the photo i took above is of the last flower that grew in a field by my house.  as i picked it- and it's not even a flower! it's a weed!- i felt within myself a letting go of summer, a release of obvious beauty and perfection.  things are about to get ugly and cold around here in connecticut, and this is the cycle of life.  nothing is eternally a blossom, everything must die to support future life.

tonight, i don't grieve the death of certain parts of me; but rather i celebrate the space that absence has created for the birth of better things to come... things i haven't even imagined or dreamed of yet...

my sweet friend sarah anne posted this song today, and it was love and release at first listen!