only about an hour ago i was somewhere far far away, deep within my subconscious in a holy transformative dream. the moments between waking and sleeping are so magical and powerful, you feel as if you can almost bring with you what was found in a dream. my dream early this morning struck right to my core, to my deepest insecurities.
i dreamt that i was facing a giant crippling fear of mine, my fear of public speaking. i signed up for a stand up comedy class (amazing right?!), and showed up to a brightly lit white windowless room to meet a black guy (who reminded me of chris rock) that was instructing the class. he was very likable and seemed effortlessly funny and comfortable with himself. there were about 5 other people in the class. i commented on the brightness of the lights in the room, and the teacher dimmed them. he had us all sit on the floor about 5 feet apart from each other. our teacher said 'we're going to ease you into comedy little by little, beginning with some simple exercises to get you comfortable with speaking from your heart and from a place of ease. that's where the funny stuff comes from, just speaking frankly and without fear.'
usually when i'm in a setting where we have to go around and each speak, i begin getting nervous right away. i anticipate my turn and look back to past experiences of speaking that didn't go well. it hasn't gone "well" since about 4th grade (ah!), so i have a lot of stupid negative times to draw memories from (yippee). but oddly, in this dream i wasn't that nervous. i knew that i had signed up for the class to face my fears and i was ready to leave them behind. it was a feeling of, i just don't give a shit anymore, and it felt amazing.
the topic our teacher gave us was, speak on a problem you have with food or a food allergy. how random right? there were 2 people before me that spoke almost in rhymes, they were funny and clever, and i kinda knew there was no way i was gonna talk like that. when my turn came i was my usual awkward public speaking self. my voice trembled slightly and i croaked, 'i don't really have any problems with foods. i suppose though when i drink too much wine or eat too many sweets i get a sugar hangover the next day...' and then i basically blacked out from there. after class i asked people, 'i don't know what happened! how did i do?' they told me i was really nervous at first, but then the teacher threw a towel over my head and i began to relax. they said he does that for people like me, because when they feel like no one can look at them, they calm down and find their rhythm. the other students told me after the towel was over my face i was awesome! i was finally myself- funny, calm, speaking like i would to a close friend.
i felt SO powerful in that moment, like my whole life could change now that i was facing my fear. the possibilities were endless, suddenly i could go after everything i ever wanted that i thought i couldn't have before. so much revolves around confidence, letting go of what others think of you, and speaking in front of others with conviction and calmness. it's embarrassing to say, but i over think myself a lot, and it holds me back from putting myself out there. by 'out there' i mean; trying new things where i might be the center of attention, meeting people i admire, introducing myself to someone i want to be friends with (such a challenge when living in a new place!), promoting my business in person (not behind a computer), and just being my weird silly self with people that i've just met. i know of course that i'm not alone in these feelings, and they are pretty common. but i realized in that dream how badly somewhere within me i want to overcome my fears.
it's like my conscious mind has sort of given up on overcoming habitual thought patterns and is focused on daily tasks, but my subconscious is still very much set on making a go of living without fear. and i REALLY want my conscious mind to join my subconscious. when i first woke up, the separate minds were for a few minutes united in their thinking, and it was beautiful and freeing. i don't know if i've ever felt that carefree before. can you imagine, living your life without any fears? and imagine what we could do??! we could live our lives with so much love and courage and always move forward. there would be nothing causing us to second guess ourselves, and no decisions made from places where we store our dark memories.
living like this is possible! but not easy, that's for sure. we have to overcome our habitual thought patterns, and retrain our minds to draw from the powerful subconscious. our subconscious doesn't want to sleep all day and only come out at night. it wants to be a witness to what our conscious mind tells ourself each day, and correct it when it tells a lie. negative experiences from the past must not be dwelled upon anymore, they are useless to the new people we are today. we can be whoever we want to be, and we are not constricted to the collection of stories we tell ourselves. within us all there is such a deep longing to realize our full capacity to live fearlessly, and make decisions from a place of compassion and respect for the creativity and drive stored in a treasure chest in our brain. (i know there is a section of the brain where creativity comes from, but i'm just calling it a treasure chest ;) ).
today i am waking up a bit, and remembering the person i really am. we end up becoming a collection of cells, clusters of thoughts and dreams that we decide are worthy cargo for our day. so what's worthy? only what is true. i am not bad at being myself in front of others, i don't worry when it's my turn to speak. i'm excited to share myself- my love, my humor, my honesty- with the world. because i am all those things. and we can do literally whatever we tell ourselves we can do. we are as limitless as we believe. so lets live this way, like we have nothing to fear and only ourselves to give. i might have to wear a towel over my head at first, ha, but it's a start.
namaste.
{p.s. i think part of the reason for my dream is this:
i've been reflecting on these symptoms for a few days now, and i want to lose myself in my awakening. sorry if you've already seen it twice this week, but i really feel like it must be memorized.}
