my pregnancy journal : 5

How far along?
24 weeks tomorrow :)

How big is the peanut?
Over a lb now, and a foot long!

Total weight gain/loss?
I'm not sure, but I would guess 15 lbs.

Maternity clothes?
REALLY need maternity shorts! Cute ones. They are really hard to find. Anyone have any suggestions? Still rocking my yoga clothes, but some of my Purushas with elastic in the waist are getting uncomfortable. I'm still wearing a lot of dresses from pre-preg, but they are MUCH shorter now because of my ass and stomach and boobs. Ha!

Sleep?
Still great. Love sleeping so much. Favorite part of my day! I've definitely been feeling more tired than usual, and it does feel harder to change positions while laying down. Also my legs feel more swelling at the end of the day so I put them up on pillows sometimes while sleeping, or Patrick will hold them in the air and move them around for me which is heaven.

Best moment this week?
It's pretty awesome to see him kicking from outside my stomach! I can just look down now when I feel some big kicks and see my stomach having a party! It's very cute! Also got a few baby shower gifts in the mail which continues to make things more real. I am so grateful to receive presents for the little one, each means SO much to me and I know I will think of who gave it each time I use it. I'm getting excited to set up his room too!

Symptoms?
So much kicking!!! Sometimes when I'm out in public and wearing something tight I feel like people must see the kicking! Speaking of being out in public, I've definitely noticed people taking more kindly to me and smiling and wanting to say something. There was this sweet woman in Whole Foods a week or so ago and she told me I looked 'sooo cute', which kinda meant the world to me. Anyone out there that wants to offer a compliment to a pregnant woman and isn't sure to say anything- PLEASE DO! Sometimes I just feel so un-cute and sticky and just FAT, so for a stranger to compliment me is so incredibly sweet. I ran into the same woman at Whole Foods this week and again she told me how cute I was. Again, she made my week. Thank you kind lady! What else... I think I am bigger all over, my body hair grows much more slowly (amazing!), and swelling in my legs.

Food cravings?
Nah, I don't think so. I'm trying to make sure I don't overdo it with sweets. And also trying to just eat more wholesome- lots of fruit, dairy, grains, meat, nuts. I could do better with eating more vegetables.

Food aversions?
No way!

Labor signs?
None.

Belly button in or out?
Still in! But it feels very tight and firm when I touch my belly button.

What I miss?
Saison beers, GOD. So good when it's hot out. Fitting into cute clothes. I miss feeling sexy and fit. But like I've said, none of that compare to carrying a child.

What I'm looking forward to?
I think I might get to go into a pool today at a BBQ so I'm excited about that! But a little self conscious about my body... Eh nothing I can do there. Looking forward to setting up his room!

Milestones?
I suppose a milestone for ME, not the baby, is listening to my body. It's weird to not push yourself in your work, your workouts, and day to day activities. It's pretty crazy that my body is now boss and I can't force anything. When I was running the other day I kept getting super intense cramps (not labor cramps, just trapped air), so I had to walk. And be ok with that. That's a challenge for me, to change my plans and give in to my body's requests. It's definitely a special time in my life, this whole being pregnant thing, and everyday I learn something new about my body and mind.

Bump?
I'm pretty sure I've officially crossed the threshold for people knowing I'm pregnant! Whoa! The bump is in clear view!!

How are you bonding with your baby?
The daily meditation with him is wonderful still. I need to work on singing more to him and playing his song. And playing music in general. But I've been super on top of my yoga practice and taking the time to connect to him mentally. Feeling his kicks all day is a constant reminder that, 'Hey! I'm here mama!' I'm just picturing a miniature Patrick in there, joking around and having fun. He's so precious already.

Happy 4th of July!

my pregnancy journal : 4

How far along?
22 weeks today :)

How big is the peanut?
1 lb! Spaghetti squash!

Total weight gain/loss?
13 lbs. Doctor says I'm perfect, hehe ;) I haven't changed my eating or exercise routine very much, but my ass and thighs are definitely bigger just 'cause. That's a trip for me, but I know it's for the best possible cause.

Maternity clothes?
Welp, I must say I am having a love affair with Victoria's Secret sleepwear. Like more than love, obsession. Haha! It all started with the semi-annual sale, and I kinda couldn't believe how beautiful I now feel in a pretty teddy PJ dress. Or matching camisole and shorts. I know Vic's Secret is not the most ethically made stuff, but MAN it makes me feel beautiful and feminine and sexy! Like, I don't even care if Patrick notices, I just love how it feels to wear silk shorts with a soft matching tank and a silken kimono robe. I look so forward now to getting in my nighttime clothing, and it's the most comfortable stuff I own. Still going strong wearing my Purusha yoga pants, and lots of dresses. Dresses are my savior. I think I need maternity shorts though. It's been sooo hot here (at least 90), and sometimes shorts are the most practical thing.

Sleep?
Loving sleep and no problems there. I think I'm just a really good sleeper.

Best moment this week?
Hmmm, right now it really kinda feels like a whirlwind. Time is going by quickly, and Patrick and I have both been busy with work so it's just kinda a blur looking back. I had my final fetal anomaly exam and our little man is developing perfectly! All organs and baby parts and my blood levels are as they should be! I think the best moment was the song Patrick wrote for our boy on my birthday. It's called 'Plannin' on Adventure', and it's a little bit of a country song. When Patrick played it for me in bed on my birthday night I just bawled my eyes out. Couldn't stop. I am one lucky lady!

Symptoms?
Baby is kicking a lot, boobs itch sometimes. That's really it. Second trimester is the best! Oh and my hair is less oily, my I think my hair and nails are growing faster. No stretch marks.

Food cravings?
Not really! I'm eating exactly the same as I did before I got pregnant. Trying though to get more iron and eat plenty of fruits, veggies, and meat.

Food aversions?
None.

Labor signs?
None.

Belly button in or out?
In. My Mom just told me hers never went out, and I have a feeling my won't either.

What I miss?
Wine, always. My thighs not rubbing together when I walk. LOL. But seriously, I don't really miss anything. Just being present and enjoying the ride.

What I'm looking forward to?
My baby shower! I'm flying to Connecticut in a few weeks to gather with friends and family so I'm really excited about that. Looking forward to cuddling with the dogs in bed tonight. I love all my boys so much.

Milestones?
We started talking to our doctor about delivery! It's becoming more real! My doctor, Dr. Chang, is really really great. He's a very non-interventionist kind of doctor, which I've heard is rare. He's so kind and gentle, and really wants my birth to be how I want it to be as long as baby and me are healthy. Dr. Chang also works with a mid-wife so I can choose to have her or him at my delivery. We'll be meeting her in a few weeks, but as of now I feel super attached to Dr. Chang, and am envisioning him being there and perhaps a Doula as well. Of course I do want to deliver naturally, but I am not going to have such a tight plan that I'll be upset if something changes. I'm open to fate, but I do want to feel what it's like to have a baby in all it's painful wonderfulness. Patrick and I are going to sign up for a birthing class at the hospital, and I'm going to start reading stuff! Any suggestions?

Bump?
Love my bump! It's definitely apparent I'm pregnant now, but still I can tell people don't want to ask. So it's not at that point yet where it's 100% clear.

How are you bonding with your baby?
I like to dance sometimes in the kitchen with Patrick (and by dancing I mean the dumbest looking moves or the laziest looking moves you've ever seen) and rub my belly a lot. Always meditating with baby and telling him I love him. I start every weekday morning with sitting in bed holding my belly and telling him how he's doing so well and is peaceful and joyful. I've been singing him his song. I've been doing lots of yoga and kegel exercises. :) Happy happy times!

my pregnancy journal : 3

How far along?

19 weeks tomorrow. Can't believe I'm pretty much half way there. Time is going by really quickly!

How big is the peanut?

I think he's like 8 oz and about 6 inches long. The size of a big tomato ;) My little tomato boy.

Total weight gain/loss? 

My last doctor's appt on May 20th I gained a total of I think 9 lbs so far? I can't remember. And I am amazed that I can't remember! Usually I always weigh the same weight, and was a little worried about weight gain during my pregnancy. Stupid egotistical body issue/dysmorphia pop culture brainwashing stuff that I used to deal with as a younger girl. I find myself not caring at all. Patrick still thinks I'm hot (right Pat?!), I'm creating a baby in my belly, and he's doing incredibly well! Lately I've just been feeling blessings all around. Life's not perfect of course, but I am extremely grateful for everything I have right now. More so than ever. My life feels like a magical dream.

Maternity clothes? 

I've been really enjoying my Paige black maternity jeans! And my Purusha organic cotton fold over waist yoga pants are still so great and comfy. I am beginning to feel like I can wear tighter clothing again soon because it's becoming more apparent that I am in fact pregnant and not just hosting a beer belly. Haha!

Sleep?

Sleep is still really good! I'm getting about 8 hours a night, but I feel like I could get more. I'm trying to go to bed earlier to get 9 hours, but it's hard. We always eat dinner late. I got my first weird and uncomfortable muscle cramp in one leg the other night, that was annoying. 

Best moment this week? 

Well there are a couple! First one was going to the doctor and him confirming the baby is growing well, seeing his bones- his miraculous and perfect spine and his leg and arm bones, and doctor confirming baby is definitely a boy! Damn I cry at EVERY doctor's appt. They feel like such gifts, I look forward to them. It's like a special time to connect deeply with my boy. Come to think of it... I cry at sooo many things now. Cried watching Back to the Future last night. LOL.

My massage with my friend Linnea was also a highlight last week. I could reaaally get used to doing that. It. was. heaven! So healing for pregnant mamas!

The other huge best moment was I felt the little man kicking for the first time last Sunday!! I was taking the train back from Santa Barbara from visiting my sister and I felt it! First it felt really soft, so I wasn't sure, but then I felt one huge kick from him and I just knew. Then the kicking continued off and on the rest of the train ride home. It really feels like there's someone in your stomach moving around, it's the strangest thing. Of course, I cried and smiled to myself while looking out at the Southern California countryside. It was a moment I know I will never ever forget.

Now I just feel him kicking allll the time. It's so precious! I feel more connected to him than I ever have, and even Patrick felt him kicking when putting his hand on my belly. He seems like he sleeps in, doesn't start kicking a lot until like 10, so fingers crossed he won't wake up too early in the future! Our baby boy also seems to kick a lot while I'm eating. Patrick and I joke he's like, 'OH YEAH! Mama, I love this french toast. This is delicious! Soccer kick to the gut!' For some reason when Patrick and I talk for the baby or the dogs we always make it sound a little like Matthew McConaughey's voice. It's really weird, and funnier to me than I think is normal.

Symptoms? 

I feel really tired at the end of the day. Lots and lots of baby kicks. I need to drink more water than I think, or else I get dizzy. I think that's about it. It feels very easy right now, so I'm trying to soak that up!

Food cravings? 

LOVING eating. I feel like I am getting some cravings. I can ignore them, they're not like driving me insane. But I want chocolate pudding really bad. I haven't bought any yet, I think I need to make it myself. I want it to be as good as I'm imagining and I just know jell-o pudding isn't going to cut it. I'm really enjoying 8 oz of coffee everyday. I didn't even drink coffee before I got pregnant, but my doctor suggested drinking it to help with headaches (he explained how it worked with my blood, but I can't remember). Now I really look forward to my little cup with heavy cream in it.

Food aversions? 

None at all! Loving all food.

Gender? 

BOY!

Labor signs? 

None.

Belly button in or out? 

In. But I had a dream last night it was out! It was a weird thing to see.

What I miss?

Still drinking, but whatever. Being pregnant beats drinking any day! I miss wearing a lot of my clothing. I open my closet and look at some clothes and wonder how I could fit into such a small t-shirt?!

What I'm looking forward to? 

Seriously excited to meet him. So many small things make him more and more real. One thing I did the other day was set up a baby registry for my shower and it was SO much fun! Picking out clothes, bottles, furniture, etc for him further creates his little identity to me. I keep longing for him in a soft organic white onesie with little pants on, smelling all good and holding him so close. BUT I know every moment of this beautiful journey is special and a gift, so I'm not in a hurry. I'm just enjoying, and excited!

Milestones? 

Well we decided on a name! I guess people don't share their names with people? Will someone please tell me why that is? Is it really just a bad luck thing? Because that just seems silly and I am not superstitious. Or do people really think the name they chose is so special and wonderful that others are just going to steal it all over the place?! I want to spill the beans, but I feel like I shouldn't? Help!

Bump? 
It's not very much bigger than 3 weeks ago. I can't believe how small it is for being half way through my pregnancy. I guess from what I'm reading I should start getting bigger more rapidly now as the baby is putting on more weight. I'm very intrigued and excited for what my body will look like!

How are you bonding with your baby?
Still meditating with him almost everyday. I'm telling him and I: We are healthy. We are peaceful. We are joyful. We have enough, we are good enough. I love you so much already.

My friend Ianthe also gave me a great idea I'm super excited about! She told me she sung a song to her babies in the womb, and when she continued to sing it to them after birth when they were upset they would remember it and calm down. The song I chose popped in my head immediately. The first little boy I ever really loved was baby Alex that I babysat for in Burlington VT while in college. I think I was 20 years old at the time. He had a lullaby CD I would put in while bouncing him on an exercise ball to get him to fall asleep for a nap. My favorite song on there was 'Out of the Woods' by Nickel Creek. When it came on I would sing along softly to him. Those moments were so peaceful, and I had a tiny tiny glimpse of what it might be like to be a mama. Fast forward 5 years. I was falling in love with Patrick, probably still within the first year or so we met. We would just hang out in his bedroom because we barely worked and both lived with our parents. Patrick would always be playing the guitar, or showing me something on his computer, or playing me music he'd discovered. One day he played the entire Nickel Creek self titled album, and I heard Alex and I's lullaby! I didn't know who the artist was when I sung it to him, but something about hearing Patrick play it for me just made me feel like I'd come full circle. Like, this man was someone I loved in an infinite way, and he knew things about me I'd never even told him. And woah mama, it's full circle many many times as I play and sing 'Out of the Woods' for our baby on the piano. It is pure magic, and I can't even explain to you how lucky I feel. My life is so beautiful right now.

my pregnancy journal : 2

How far along?

16 weeks yesterday! And it was my first 'Mother's Day' yesterday (kinda, right?). Patrick's mom was here visiting and it was so sweet to have her. I hope to be as kind of a mom as her! (Melissa, we miss you!)

How big is the peanut?

Avocado? Seems like there's a piece of fruit for every week haha!

Total weight gain/loss? 

This might not be a great question for me because I don't have a scale. Definitely feeling like I've gained 10 lbs though... I'll know at my next appointment in a week or so.

Maternity clothes? 

OK YES! This is what I want to talk about! And don't get me started on maternity jeans! I just got my first pair and they are heaven! Why can't we always wear them?? Soooo comfortable! I did a little shopping on Nordstrom Rack online and got some really pretty dresses, a loose blouse, and black skinny maternity jeans. The clothes are a game changer for me. The first few months of pregnancy I just felt really sick, and kinda ugly. And the past few weeks I've just felt fat really, because some of my clothes just don't fit the way they used to. So that didn't allow me to feel like a pregnant mama goddess, ya know? New clothes that flatter and fit are changing my whole perspective on the changes my body is going through. I can now embrace my growing body, and honestly feel like a divine feminine-fertile-beautiful woman right now! I'm seeing myself in a way I never have before, and I really have clothes that fit to thank. Next post I'll get Patrick to take a photo of me in my favorite new maxi dress. (So much better than an iPhone photo in harem pants in the bathroom, but hey that's me today in real life.) ;)

Sleep?

Sleep is still great. Everyone I meet or know that has kids tells me to sleep it up now because in 5 months we'll never sleep again...

Best moment this week? 

Maternity clothes. Plus I like them so much I know I'll wear them even after my pregnancy. Also, Patrick's mom being here and making us cookies. Hehe. 

Symptoms? 

Not many! I really can almost forget I'm pregnant at this point. My boobs feel weird, like hard and soft in different places so that's new. 

Food cravings? 

I feel pretty much back to normal food wise. No big cravings, but I like food again so that's AMAZING.

Food aversions? 

Not really any.

Gender? 

We'll know for sure next Weds!!

Labor signs? 

Haha. No. (I'm laughing now, but I don't think I will be in a few months.)

Belly button in or out? 

In. I have a cave of a belly button, we'll see what happens. 

What I miss?

Still wine. A LOT. And beer. And weed. Can I say that?

What I'm looking forward to? 

Setting up the little one's room! Seeing Patrick be an amazing Dad. Getting my second blood drawing over with next week. Coming out with a Purusha People maternity yoga line and mama & me yoga line in the future!

Milestones? 

Seeing myself as a beautiful pregnant woman for sure. Being ok with weight gain because I know I'm creating a safe little nest for my baby. Just becoming a temple of life and realizing my full potential as a woman. I have a feeling being a Mom is going to complete me as a woman and a person in ways I can't imagine.

Bump? 
It's really getting bigger isn't it?! I love that little guy in that bump so much!

~

I'm going to add one more question, because I feel like it's important:

How are you bonding with your baby?
I'm trying to meditate daily on my little dude. I tell him he's healthy, has abundance, is good, is calm, is peaceful, is loved already so much. I feel like it's really important to stop and fully dedicate myself to thinking about him once a day. I also feel like I need to start playing the piano to him.

Mamas out there, what did you do while pregnant to connect to your baby? I'd truly LOVE to hear your traditions and ideas!

With love,
H

my pregnancy journal : 1

Hey! It's me! Hayley ;) Plus... a baby! Hooray!

I thought it would be fun to document my pregnancy for my family, friends, myself, and for my future baby. It's such a special time, and I really am trying to cherish it. I'm going to follow a format that some bloggers do :) :

How far along? 

14 weeks yesterday!

How big is the peanut?

I've heard the size of a peach? Or apple? Our ultrasound said about 4 inches.

Total weight gain/loss? 

Last doctor's appointment at 11 or so weeks I gained 6 lbs. This is a struggle for me. I love my baby already of course, but I can't help but wonder if it's too early to gain weight. Early pregnancy is hard because I don't quite look 'cute' and big, but just a little chubby. Haha! I know every woman is different and I'm really trying to let go and trust my body.

Maternity clothes? 

Well I just realized looking at photos of myself sitting down in my yoga pants above that I am seriously muffin topping at this point. It's hard/weird to buy clothes that you know are temporary, but I can see soon I won't have a choice. My jeans still go on but they're pretttty uncomfortable!

Sleep?

I'm letting myself sleep as much as I want. At least 8 hours a night. I know in the future I won't have this luxury so I'm trying to live it up! My sleep is really good right now. Also, I'm not working quite as much. Really trying to be gentle with myself and listen to my body.

Best moment this week? 

Definitely definitely getting my ultrasound and blood test for genetic abnormalities and it coming back with very low numbers! And as always seeing my sweet little dude moving around and hearing it's heartbeat during the ultrasound. It always makes me cry. :)

Symptoms? 

Well I have a stomachache right now. I still have a funny appetite where certain foods gross me out (vegetable and chicken- yuck), but I am SO much better than I was a few weeks ago! Good lord! I miss being really hungry though. 

Food cravings? 

I wish! I can't wait for that!!! I want to want food so badly!

Food aversions? 

Salad, chicken, certain types of beef.

Gender? 

Ultrasound doctor said 99% sure it's a boy! I'm really excited, we wanted a boy. BUT there's always the chance he could have been wrong. We'll hopefully have a 100% in a few weeks.

Labor signs? 

Labor seems so so far away right now. I can't even get my head into that space, ya know?

Belly button in or out? 

In.

What I miss?

For sure a glass of wine. And passion for food. Fitting into my clothes. Pushing myself in my workouts.

What I'm looking forward to? 

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with my desire to meet our little guy! I know pregnancy is a wonderful time of life, especially the first time, so I am trying to soak it up. But I just want whatever brings me closer to meeting him. Really excited to feel some kicks! I keep trying to focus on feeling them, because they're happening already, but it's so hard to know what it feels like when I've never felt them before. Also can't wait to see what a great Dad Patrick is going to be. ;)

Milestones? 

Hmmm it still feels so early on that I don't know if I've had anyway. I feel like it's a milestone that we got pregnant quickly and the baby is healthy at every checkup! It feels like a miracle. Patrick and I keep joking they'll do the ultrasound and be like... There's nothing in there. This whole thing's a sham. Or something. It's just incredible this baby is growing and doing everything it's supposed to do! 

Bump?

I have one! But like I said, it still looks like I'm just fat. I can't wear tight tops anymore because it looks like I have a weird big gut, and when I wear loose clothes you can't tell I'm pregnant at all. I'm looking forward to having a bigger bump! Patrick is too! It's so neat to see your body change. 

I'm not sure I'll answer these questions every pregnancy post, but it's good for now! I also want to add what my baby boy (I think!) is doing to me mentally. Here's his latest photo:

He's helping me to see the big picture in life, something I struggle with. He's helping me to stay calm and peaceful (cortisol does cross over from the mama to the baby! So crazy!), and prioritize my life. I obviously want to be a good role model to our guy, so I really want to continue to notice and eliminate bad habits. I didn't want to be the kind of parent that is obsessed with her kid, but I might be. Haha! I don't know, but I just really love him already. I think he's the cutest little guy I've ever seen. I can't wait to see who this little person will be. 

Alright that's it for now! Feeling so much love all around! XO!

rewriting.

Hi! It's been awhile. Time has gone by so quickly recently, don't you think? Our "puppy" Byron turns 1 in a week- where did the past year go?! And with the holidays coming up... man! It will be January in a few breaths!

I've really been watching myself become myself as of late. It's kinda a rough ride, this discovering who you are and allowing yourself to be it. Maybe it's because I'm getting older (and hopefully wiser!), but I've been taking my time with my thoughts and I haven't really wanted to share them all with the world (ie this lil' blog I guess). It's felt really good to have sort of a private life, life pre-internet like. Almost hard to remember huh! But such a big outlet for me for years has been this blog. And I feel a little sad it's been sort of abandoned. I'm nostalgic, and afraid I'll regret quitting documenting my life in my 20's and now 30's.

Like most people, I have some thoughts, and I suppose realizations, that are not all things are share-able. Or you share these things with people you know and love only. Not that I don't love you that is reading this, but it's nice to reserve some parts of yourself for yourself. It feels healthy to not "put on a show", something that feels inevitable with social media. You end up sharing only the pretty and good stuff and act like your life is just the best. I don't feel like branding Hayley's life anymore.

I've been rewriting my story of who I think I am. I sure hope this is a permanent position for me, but in accepting myself, my jealousy of other's lives has almost completely diminished. That has been a struggle of mine, to not compete and want what others have and think it will be good for me. I'm seeing I am suited for the things I do each day because of my differences. My "flaws" and ugly/dorky/boring stuff are what have put me on my path. And I am growing to love the path I chose. So I have to love all of me, and be it 100%. It's brought me this far.

Maybe I'll feel inspired to blog more again someday. I should probably have a Purusha blog that features clothes and yoga and stuff, but I'm thinking I might make that into a newsletter. We'll see. Til next time... ? x.

dork alert

I go MIA on my blog for months and this is the first post I "write". LOL! But seriously, when I want to get pumped up and not live passively I turn this on. Gets me every time. Funny picture huh? Little white girl that makes yoga clothing trying to rap along with Eminem. It's ridiculous. Happy Friday!

I want to blog again, so I'm gonna post soon :) x

no such thing as a perfect being.

my handwriting is really shitty

Every now and then I let my mistakes cloud my current opportunities. I just moved into a little office here on the property we rent. I was really scared to do it, almost scared to grow. Because last time I went out on a limb and moved into my own space it failed. Remember I was renting that work space? The pretty exposed brick wood floor sewing studio? It was kinda a big failure. And I'm still trying to let it go, and visualize that picture that gets passed around. You know, the one with the up and down and backwards line that is success, rather than the straight up line.

I had to try out one of my dreams. I had to try to create that merry little factory I always spoke about. I see now that these "merry little factories" somewhat exist in Los Angeles. They're actually everywhere. People are happy, they work hard. I'm glad and grateful to pay them fairly to make my clothing. I'm not a seamstress or a manager of a sew house, I'm a clothing designer. You cannot do it all. God, I'm finally realizing this. All I can be is me. I will not be a "perfect" being. I'll be the creatively weird, introverted, loyal, over thinking work in progress. I enjoy making clothes and creating Purusha People. Always trying to grow, but yes sometimes frustrated that I must grow so 'effin slow! Ah! Hopefully this means I'll live a long and full life where I never stop trying to find joy in sharing myself with the world.

the internet.

art by broken fingaz

Sometimes I hate the internet.

It's a world where you can put your best self on display, only showing people the pretty parts of your life. It's a world where people get discovered for doing really cool shit, but also get famous for not really doing anything at all. We think we know people because of what they post, and are even friends with people we've never met in "real life".

And I'm kinda really disillusioned with it all. Don't get me wrong, I run an online clothing shop, so I can say I adore some women I've never met. Like, customers and friends from my website and from social media feel SO kindred to me. But I really want more than that. I want to exist in the physical world with you guys. I feel like so much gets lost in the text, in the photos. I want to see you face to face, and build a business beyond this screen. I want more than a virtual reality. I want a real reality.

The internet and real life are such a balance. The web is obviously a huge tool to build your business and connect with people, but it leaves me with a void. I'm longing to develop photos in a dark room (remember those?!) rather than post on instagram, to go on a hike with customers and friends rather than interact with them over email, read books and not facebook comments, and do or create something really cool without feeling the need to document it and share it with everyone on the internet.

That's the really big one for me. What if you make an incredible meal, travel to a new place, meet someone you admire, and don't instagram it!? (Did it really happen then?! Haha!) But for real, I'm truly examining this post-internet part of my brain to see why the frick it is that I want to share share share. I have some friends that don't have much going on social media wise, and crap do I admire that. It's kinda brave in today's society to not be a part of this.

And then you see those people that post everything about their lives on the internet, and that in itself must be such a challenge. Because you are totally vulnerable to all those anonymous people that write dick comments to you, or even non-anonymous people that just want to drag you into their negativity. It's enough to make me want to protect and hide my personal life and only share with people that know and love me.

Balance seems to be always the game of life. Trying to bring it back to the balance. I've met some truly beautiful and kind people because of the internet, I wouldn't have a job without the internet!!! So yeah, I'm extremely grateful for it. It just needs to be moderated for me, that's for sure. It needs to be kept in perspective, and I need to be reminded that it's not reality.

If you have any suggestions on how you find balance between the virtual world and the real world I would love to hear them! And then please, let's get off the computer ;). Xoxo.

Oh! And if you live in the LA area and want to be friends in real life, I'd love to be friends and do something! Email me: hayleylove@gmail.com.

80/20

You guys, I finally figured it out!!!! The secret to happiness! Hahaha!! Lalala!!! My work is done!

Just kidding, it's just started. And it's a lot of work. Happiness for me is actually mostly work. It's 80/20. 80% of my time I do things that are hard and I don't want to do, and 20% of the time I can chill. You really would think happiness lies in, well, lying around and vacationing. Of course I live for those things, that's why I work. It's a paradox, life seems to always be that way. You can't have one thing without the other. Too much working = stress and problems in your personal life, too much chill time = regret and laziness. So there's the balance. You kind of have to tell one of the voices in your head to shut up. Yeah, I get it. You don't want to brush your teeth, or put on sunscreen, or dye clothes, or work out, or make yourself 5 meals a day. WHO CARES. Your happiness doesn't care. It will go away if you get lazy or afraid. The instinct to rest, give in to little luxuries, eat sugar and fat and mate with people is there for a reason, but you can't let it become your #1 interest. Work is #1 for me to live and grow into the beautiful being I'm meant to be. Work, by the way, for me is my passion. It's not drudgery (most of the time!); it's my creativity, my discipline, my soul poured out into something physical. I know I'm really fortunate to do what I do, but I see it's become this because of 80/20. Opportunities arise from putting in the time and effort with your whole heart. 

Just keep it up. Keep doing what you love and all is coming. All is coming...

(P.S. Look at me in this photo. LOL. Star Wars tee, 5 finger shoes, fanny pack, big hat, 2 labs... I don't even know what to say about that.)

accepting.

the getty, los angeles

Do you ever have days when the overwhelmingness of being alive makes you feel like you could burst into tears at any moment? Ok, this is totally a woman thing, but I'm sure men have the same thoughts minus the tears.

This morning I woke up and I just felt heavy. But also in a strange way light because I felt... different.

I've been working really hard at positive thinking and making intentions for the past 2 months. Around 5 days a week I sit on my yoga mat, read, write in my journal, and sit in some sort of intention focused meditation with deep breathing. This sounds cliche, but it's dramatically changing my life. I notice my thoughts so much more than I used to, and I remember to focus on a thought or just become present. It's not an easy thing to do, and I honestly think it's impossible without the daily discipline of sitting and meditating. I stretch a little bit usually to get comfortable sitting, but I don't move through too much asana as it distracts my mind.

So I've been feeling good. I am not 'there', I know this. You are never done growing and learning. But overall I feel better about the decisions I make and how I spend my days. I'm facing fears, but taking baby steps to start. As long as I put in the work, the universe will take care of the rest. I control what I sow to an extent (still have a lot to learn), so what I reap are my intentions coming to life. I'm learning (slowly) to let go of expectations and just BE, DO, HAVE. Be what I want, do the work, and then have the beautiful results (good or bad).

This morning I just had a hard time staying positive. It was my birthday this weekend, and I kinda took a vacation from real life. I ate well, got pampered, and let go of my adult responsible life for 2 days. And today I didn't want it to end, ya know? I sometimes miss youth. I know I'm still young of course, but I can no longer disappear on some adventure or let the day take me where it will. I can no longer be ok with making $0. I can't go back to relying on my parents to take care of me. I can't go back to long lazy summer days with Patrick riding our bikes in the Connecticut countryside, hiking, and going to secluded swimming holes. (I also miss the east coast. I miss weather and empty roads and GREEN and family.) I'm an adult now and my work is most of my life at this moment. I can't disappear into days of spontaneity.

I realize everything is better looking at it from a distance, so I understand I wouldn't be happy if I went back. I had no purpose, I felt like a leaf blowing in the wind. It was fun and leisurely but I felt unhappy about not knowing where I wanted to go. As a "grown up woman" of 31 I need to know where I'm going.

This brings me back to why I feel like I could break down into tears very easily today. It's because of the terribly bittersweet reality that we can't move in time. We can't go backwards, we have to be right here. And right here is just as good, if not better than back there! Ironically, someday I'll look back at my living in this tiny studio apartment in Topanga, CA, working my ass off to create a business I believe in, and wish I could try it out again. Just for a little while. Forgetting all about the dissatisfaction and longing for life to move forward faster. Corners become smoothed when some time as passed.

It's impossible to feel happy, optimistic, and light everyday. We would become machines if we could master our emotions so well. I'm glad to evolve personally in my thinking, but I'm not mad that today I just feel a little sad. It will pass. And hey, some of the best creativity and art comes from times of high emotion. I'm going to go channel my spirit into making some clothing.

May you feel your true self coming through today.