here's me.

performing is kind of like a trick, especially in yoga asana.

not that there is ever a 'performance' in yoga, but we are always working to do a pose correctly, comfortably, and beautifully.  it is satisfying to 'conquer' (probably not the most 'yogic' word!) a pose.  of course it feels really good too, in the body and in the mind, to find less struggle in something that was once challenging.

but i often wonder when i look at some exquisite photo or video of a "yoga master", how did that person get there?  what did the process look like, and how sloppy did his or her first hand stand attempt look?

we all start from some point, and for most of us in yoga, we start with very little.  we're looking to ease pain in the body, to feel more confident in our skin, to build strength and flexibility, to quiet the mind, to be more calm in life's situations.  yet we're each beginning at very different starting lines.

i danced for about 2 years in my life and did gymnastics when i was very little.  i figure skated for about 3 years, and always tried to be active and somewhat healthy (with the exception of a couple off years in college- lol).  i've always been flexible with forward bending, yet my back is not bendy and my hips are not super open.

spiritually- i was raised christian, questioned it in college, tried out hinduism/buddhism religious philosophies, questioned them after college, and am now arriving to the point where the only thing i believe in is positive thinking and benevolence to life in general.  i don't believe there is any god watching out for us, yet i treasure life more because of that.  there is nothing waiting for me on the otherside- this is it!  life is the ultimate gift and i've been lucky enough to be born where and when i am.

i meditated, but didn't really know what i was doing, when i went to my kind therapist after my sister lucy died.  i learned how to go up an elevator in my mind and come out in a field with a big sign that said 'i love you.', under a mountain where a tree was growing that i planted.  i couldn't quite remember to go there when i needed to, when i was scared, but i did practice it in my dr.'s office.  i'm still working on the meditation, and i know it is like 50% of yoga, at least for me.  it doesn't come easily and for some reason my busy mind often resists it hard.

so this is where i came from and this is where i am, in a yoga sense.  i'm practicing everyday with my meditation and my asana.

neither is where i picture them to be someday, but what is someday anyways right?  someday is not today, and today is all i have.

i wasn't too psyched about these videos because they aren't "perfect"; but as someone that looks at perfection and wonders about the sweat and tears that were given to get there, i'm interested in the process not just the destination.

so here's me, right now.

asana.

happy sunday!  xo xo

real beauty.

how would you live if you were turned inside out?

if physically all the world could see only your inner virtues and the projections of your mind?

your outer body, face, and hair are all hidden beneath your concepts, beliefs, and the messages you tell yourself about reality each day.

what if we could see each other's souls only?  no breasts, no make up, no toned body, no brands of clothes.  how would we decide someone is beautiful?

today i am dedicating all that i do, say, and think (or at least what i can catch myself thinking, i'm still learning) to the nurturing of my inner beauty.  

the foods we put into our body, the exercise we do, the work we create, the relationships we sustain- let them all be positive contributions to our inner self's worth, truth, and beauty.  

and the outer beauty will follow.  so perhaps we can let go of the need to manipulate and obsess over the outside, and remember that it will be a reflection of our internal world.  

i made a vow in my practice/meditation this morning to watch the purpose of why i do what i do.  and to constantly redirect that purpose to my inner grace and light.

inside out, it's the only way.

little by little.

today, this has become my mantra.

the words came to me from somewhere in my memories while on my run with my puppy boy this afternoon.

some people close to me know this; however i try to keep it hidden, even from myself.

this thing is, i can be really hard on myself.

and i won't notice it because i'm still not that great at watching my thoughts.  i know i am not alone in this way of thinking, so i am hoping my words and my thoughts will influence and bring some of us type a's together to see we don't have to live like this.

little by little, it's the only way.  nothing beautiful, brilliant, genius, or transcendent ever happens quickly.

i hate to admit it, but i am still a child in many many ways.  i'm not fully ready or capable of certain things yet because my brain literally is still developing.  this is not an excuse to not be great, i am simply always going to be a work in progress- like my blog's title 'purusha in progress'.  i won't ever be done or complete or perfect.

the type a in me wants all or nothing.  she is impatient, irritable, judgmental, and jealous.  she wants it all now, and if she can't have it perfect, well then i'm just fucked.  all my small accomplishments are ignored, and i find it harder and harder to even accomplish the small goals as they are lost in the lofty, grandiose, perfect goals of this lower self.

this honestly makes me feel sad for myself.  not like 'sorry for myself', but sad that i've allowed my self to be treated so badly.  a girl's gotta have time to grow, and to take the steps one at a time.  there's no way i will make it up the stairs of my life if i try to take them 6 at a time.

throughout many days, my automated louder self sets some pretty high standards.  up by 7 am, yoga for 1 hour at least, work, lunch, run, more work, dinner, bed.  now to some of you, this sounds like a normal day right?  i would like this to be my normal day.. but more often it looks like this: up by 9 ('cause i went to bed at 12), reading, emailing, playing on the computer for a few hours, work, lunch, run, yoga, little work, dinner, more work, hang out time, bed late.  this isn't terrible by any means, and i'm not complaining, but it is damn hard being your own boss.  i'm still learning how to train myself to find the schedule that works for me.

however, there's someone in my head that thinks they're the boss of me.  and this boss is not nice.  she doesn't see that i did wake up early today, and i did something nice for patrick, and i worked hard on purusha (even if i worked from 6-11 at night...).  if it's not according to the 'perfect' plan, well then it just sucks.  oh yeah, and she constantly compares me to other people, and will find something to be jealous of in just about ANY person.  no joke- whatever skills, height, bravery, brains, beauty i don't have, mean boss lady will dwell on it and envy it.  seriously, this silly voice will have me wishing i could sing joni mitchell like joni mitchell, break dance, study biology, be tall, foster animals, write books, be an exhibitionist, etc etc etc..........

and well, perhaps i could do all those things; but i know even if i did the crazy boss bitch would still want more, and find more talents to desire and obsess over. 

so i have to practice what i preach... to turn that voice down, and turn my own inner voice up.  the voice that is whispering 'little by little'.  and her voice sounds a little like joni mitchell.  joni, i'm listening.

slowly but surely i will become very similar to the person my type a is so aggressively seeking out at this very moment.  yet, this person will be better and even more than my ego can imagine, because this woman needs time.  time so she can accomplish things beyond anything my ego can dream.  she is being born within me, and is gently and deliberately evolving into someone so freaking beautifully beyond instant gratification.  she is kind, compassionate, funny, patient, confidant, and open.  she is like a flower bud right now, and no way can i force her open or she won't bloom.  but i see within her the mighty potential to burst into petals.

so hayley, i'm going to start taking it easy on you.  no more impatience, no more cruel words when you aren't 100% perfect.  small goals add up to big accomplishments like water drops to fill a bucket.  you'll get there, but not tonight.

little by little- this may be my next purusha t-shirt. ;)  

please make the vow with me to celebrate the small goals we meet everyday, and to turn up the beautiful soft voice in our heads that tells us we are exactly where we're supposed to be.  because we are.  and we always will be.

love.

today, i'm feeling it.  from every direction.

love's the best isn't it?  it makes me care less about ME and my silly little needs.  instead i want to give, share, and put others first.  having a partner makes this more clear to me, because i can practice at home :).

it's funny, i never thought i would be able to give the things i wanted to someone else, and feel really good about the decision... but love changes you, softening the heart and confronting the ego.

i am eternally thankful for the people in my life that i love and for these people loving me back!

it is the purpose of being human, i believe... to collaborate this love in order to achieve beautiful, universe-altering things.

and it all starts with self love and the ability to love just one other person; to realize how similar we humans are, and how basic are needs are for happiness and satisfaction.

LOVE.  i'll take it.  it takes me!

everyday.

everyday is so precious.

a day is never promised to us, and we forget this all the time.

i am so thankful for every morning, as another chance to live as best we can and not take a thing for granted.

yet, repetitive daily living can get mundane.  we all know how it is to live the grind.  eat, work, love a little, sleep.  repeat.

and it doesn't always go as it's written out in the planner.  normal stuff happens, shit happens, beauty happens.  and we have no idea what's going to happen!

being alive is mundane?!  only when we're not paying attention...

when we focus on our work, breathing deep and being present; we realize nothing is difficult, nothing is a drag.

every moment is special because it's new and it's alive and it's ours.

each day i work on purusha orders, plan for my business' future, practice my yoga, spend a little time with people i love, take small breaks for playing burgertime and facebook (what?!), and take my doggie boy out for an outing.  liam continuously teaches me so much about joy, and how to return to appreciation and freedom.

i don't want to have to wait to look back at at how good this all was.

we are surely wise enough now to see that it is more than good.  it's perfect.

we're all here where we're supposed to be, at this time for a reason.  let every blessing and assistance of goodness from people and places we love be a springboard for better things to come.

and when we find ourselves taking everyday life for granted, breathe deep and remember each breath is a form of worship and thanks to the universe.  every day, as average as it may seem, is so completely sacred because it is given to us.

and one day, we will have opened all our gifts.  we want that dawn to be a celebration of the love and appreciation of those gifts of days.

not one day wasted or unappreciated, this is how to be alive.

enjoy your everyday my loves.

sending you a giant hug!  i am honored to be sharing life with you in this moment in this beautiful universe.

a day in the big city!

good day all!

hope you had a super relaxing love-filled weekend!

know what?  it's true what "they" say (they, as in wise people), that you really have to leave your home base, leave your comfort zone, and do different things- all the time!  to grow and become better versions of ourselves, we have to do things maybe we aren't super comfy with doing.

good thing is, the effort is ALWAYS worth it.  and the more we do these scary things, the more we remember this to be true.  we are innately strong and capable.

i am currently upgrading to hayley 2.0.

the new hayley travels alone, does hand stands with no wall behind her, and meets people that inspire her!

this weekend i drove down to strala yoga nyc and took an arm balance workshop with the sweetly and gracefully talented noelle beaugureau.

noelle photo c/o robert sturman

i've been working on hand stands for a long time, and FINALLY am feeling ok with doing them without a wall behind me.  so i thought, what better workshop than an arm balance class?!

me smothering noelle with lovin'!!  ;)

noelle's kind open-heartedness is contagious.  i could tell everyone felt warm and special in her presence, and we each received our own hands on attention with adjustments and a warm smile.  no one was inhibited about trying out the more challenging poses.  we fell and tried awkward new things and it was beautiful.

noelle led us into arm balances in such a nonchalant and effortless, yet safe and instructive way.  poses that i honestly dread doing, i found myself in before i even knew what was going on!  it was awesome!  i really enjoyed how noelle showed us, and had us practice only about 5 different arm balances; so we could let the new feelings in our bodies and minds sink in for a bit.  

a few things from the workshop are tattooed in my mind now.  and they are super helpful lovely things.  i learned (or remembered) to let go of attachment to a pose.  sometimes i get so obsessed with accomplishing something (like a hand stand)  that i forget there will always be one more hurdle to jump over, always another pose to be met.  and then what?  begin a new cycle of desire and work and attainment?  for what?  so my ego can be somewhat satisfied for a moment while my higher self is locked up?  why?  this is not the way of the true self.  

noelle gently kept pulling us back to this point, that it's only a pose.  and if you want it, great, but the only way to it is practice.  no magic, no shortcuts, nothing amazing happens overnight, and nailing a pose doesn't make you a better person.  of course challenging poses are fun, but we need to leave it at that.  however, often with challenge comes the fear.  and fears are dissolved only when faced every day with non-judgement and compassion for the self that must watch the mind's thoughts.  

when i feel myself stressing about yoga (oh my god, so silly when i see this sentence written out, what a paradox!), i get myself laughing and feeling fine when i reflect on why i practice.  

everyone has their own reasons to practice.  my main drive to do yoga is to relax, build strength and flexibility, reunite my body and mind, and to face fears.  nowhere in my practice is there the need to become a gymnast. 

if i view my yoga in a superficial way, it helps when my higher self bring this shallow view to the surface, if that makes sense.  when i'm feeling frustrated because i can't straighten my legs in titibasana, i tell myself- yoga asana is only amateur gymnastics.  i'm not trying to become a gymnast (obviously, but my silly ego wants to show off!) or a cirque de soliel perfomer, so why the hell should i care if i can't do a pose "perfectly"??  right?!  

i practice yoga to unearth the real hayley; the hayley that is always there and unchanging amidst the anxiety, the worries, the excitement, the joy.  sometimes it just takes a person you admire to remind you of that. 

so thank you noelle for helping me to reestablish my practice and come back to my initial intention with my yoga.  (and thank you for the subtle adjustments in my poses that allow me to work with more ease and less effort.)

this morning my practice was just for fun.  what it should be.  why push myself all the time?  for what purpose?  i no longer have an answer for these questions.  the purpose is in the non-purpose.

me and the darling tara stiles, owner of strala yoga nyc.

after the workshop i walked around the city for a while, inhaling the energy and embracing the bustle.  i haven't went away on my own in a bit, so it was really sweet to wander about anonymously.  

i love visiting the city and traveling to regain a healthy new perspective on life.  this week i am feeling the harmony in knowing that everything healthy, balancing, and beautiful takes a long time, lots of practice, falling, and looking fears in the eye.  

thank you universe for allowing me to spend the day with loving kind souls and for reuniting myself with the abundance of love and sweetness waiting to be rediscovered within my own soul.  

i'm liking hayley 2.0 a lot, and i can spot hayley 3.0 in the distance.

'till next time fears...

a break.

patrick, liam, and i took a nice little mid day stroll down to the river today.  i love living close to the water, even if there is a terribly stinky sewage treatment plant nearby (collinsville city planners- wtf were you thinking!!).  patrick calls this place 'the poop factory', and man i am immature 'cause every time i hear 'poop factory' i laugh stupidly hard.  today the poop factory's stench was at about a 5. 

anywho, we all had lot of smiles and laughs!  i can't not be happy around these dudes!

i feel like the people (and animals!) in my life are such gifts.  i almost can't believe they're mine.  not like these living things are my possessions of course; but more like they're mine because they're something i've created and nurtured to want to stay near me.

i never want to exit this place of love, and i know i will never get tired or bored of what i have.  waking up with my 2 best friends is like christmas morning every single day.  our lives and loves are so precious aren't they?

side note, this iphone camera is not even fair.  every picture looks awesome and there are no photography skills involved whatsoever.  instagram ap, i like you a lot.  

hope you are having a pleasant day, and i send you that are reading a piece of love from my heart to yours!

cozy night.

good evening!

i recently joined the 21st century and got an iphone.

here is some exploring i did with it tonight...

today was dark, rainy and a little cold; but liam and i made the best of it.

now we're drinking tea, drying out, and melting into the night...

good night my sweet loves!  stay warm!