here's me.

performing is kind of like a trick, especially in yoga asana.

not that there is ever a 'performance' in yoga, but we are always working to do a pose correctly, comfortably, and beautifully.  it is satisfying to 'conquer' (probably not the most 'yogic' word!) a pose.  of course it feels really good too, in the body and in the mind, to find less struggle in something that was once challenging.

but i often wonder when i look at some exquisite photo or video of a "yoga master", how did that person get there?  what did the process look like, and how sloppy did his or her first hand stand attempt look?

we all start from some point, and for most of us in yoga, we start with very little.  we're looking to ease pain in the body, to feel more confident in our skin, to build strength and flexibility, to quiet the mind, to be more calm in life's situations.  yet we're each beginning at very different starting lines.

i danced for about 2 years in my life and did gymnastics when i was very little.  i figure skated for about 3 years, and always tried to be active and somewhat healthy (with the exception of a couple off years in college- lol).  i've always been flexible with forward bending, yet my back is not bendy and my hips are not super open.

spiritually- i was raised christian, questioned it in college, tried out hinduism/buddhism religious philosophies, questioned them after college, and am now arriving to the point where the only thing i believe in is positive thinking and benevolence to life in general.  i don't believe there is any god watching out for us, yet i treasure life more because of that.  there is nothing waiting for me on the otherside- this is it!  life is the ultimate gift and i've been lucky enough to be born where and when i am.

i meditated, but didn't really know what i was doing, when i went to my kind therapist after my sister lucy died.  i learned how to go up an elevator in my mind and come out in a field with a big sign that said 'i love you.', under a mountain where a tree was growing that i planted.  i couldn't quite remember to go there when i needed to, when i was scared, but i did practice it in my dr.'s office.  i'm still working on the meditation, and i know it is like 50% of yoga, at least for me.  it doesn't come easily and for some reason my busy mind often resists it hard.

so this is where i came from and this is where i am, in a yoga sense.  i'm practicing everyday with my meditation and my asana.

neither is where i picture them to be someday, but what is someday anyways right?  someday is not today, and today is all i have.

i wasn't too psyched about these videos because they aren't "perfect"; but as someone that looks at perfection and wonders about the sweat and tears that were given to get there, i'm interested in the process not just the destination.

so here's me, right now.