my huge ego.

i wish i had some sort of pretty/cool picture of myself to share here, but my heart just hasn't been in it. blogging is weird. i blog for myself because i basically get to have a memoir of my life documented here {which is pretty neat}, but i also know i have a few readers, so i feel like i have to blog about what people want to read and see.

lately though i've been feeling just a whole lot of 'i don't care.' not that i don't think things matter, but more like i'm letting go of results and expectations. it's a really really hard thing for me to do. but i've been feeling this call to strip down my ego. i am totally embarrassed to say this {damn ego again! eh hem, who cares!}, but my ego is ginormous. and the way my ego manifests itself, i'm not cocky or overly confident, instead my large ego is very fragile and wants to stay in one piece at all times. it doesn't want to put hayley out there, try new scary things, or take a chance on making a fool of me. it cares a lot about what people i don't know think, and bases my emotions on responses or lack of responses i get to my words, my actions, and my work. my ego really holds this person hayley back from trying things. for example, playing music with patrick. patrick is helping me learn how to play piano, and learn how to "jam". when you play random notes, you have to not give a shit what it sounds like. or else you're just crippled, and will never realize your creative potential. 

so i'm working on this. i'm working on creating, trying, and exploring without worrying about the outcome and caring about what people say or don't say. i love patrick {among millions of reasons} because he isn't afraid of looking silly. that's what i want. i want to to be hayley, without this barrier of analyzation keeping me from my authentic self. it is SO difficult.

what do you do to deflate your ego? i would love some help :).

deep breaths! thank you. namaste.