grief.

our hearts are hurting over here. there is a void.

about 2 months ago patrick, liam, and i decided it was the right time to adopt another little doggie boy into our family. we went back and forth with if we should rescue a dog or get a lab. (this is not the post to preach why to rescue. i know why, and i'm trying to do what makes sense for our situation.) anyways, somehow we were led to find a lab breeder in northern cali that had pups born that very day, august 28th. how funny we thought, liam was born on may 28th, and the dogs looked SO much like liam. the effort to get this puppy was very easy and it just flowed so we went ahead with it. 

patrick has always said liam looks like his name should be byron, so we named our pup byron. with the breeders help we chose the fox red lab puppy that would do best with liam. that was really the main reason to get a lab pup, someone to help liam play and see and feel confident again. we felt really good about choosing the more mellow dude that would be liam's seeing eye dog. a few weeks ago we bought liam and byron matching navy blue and white polka dot collars from our friend that makes them by hand at the farmer's market. we mailed the collar to byron and were getting really excited to pick up our "son" next week.

yesterday though we got the worst news. byron had suffered from intussusception, was bleeding internally, and his intestines had folded in on themselves. this is really rare but normally operable, but because the location was so close to byron's stomach the vet thought the surgery would be very complicated and most likely not successful. and the little guy was suffering immensely. so we had to make the decision to put byron down.

the anticipation of our puppy was kinda like having a baby, and the loss of him just feels so empty. i've never had kids so this is all i know. and damn it hurts. i miss the little guy. we skyped with him, saw many pictures of him, heard he was digging little holes just yesterday morning, and felt like he was ours. our byron. and now he's just gone. patrick and i keep going back and forth in our emotions. one moment we're angry at the world that our puppy out the 11 others had to be the one to die, the next we're just hollow, and the next we're swimming in gratitude for our sweet liam and that everyone else in our lives is ok right now.

if anything this is such a cruel but real reminder that life exists on the brink of death. we are alive because of death. it is what it is. death is on my dinner plate. our world is so unnaturally removed from death that when it happens we're in shock, yet it is the way of the world. as natural as it is though, it doesn't stop the pain. 

so we grieve. we understand that byron had the best little life, where he never had to leave his mom and dad and brothers and sisters. we're going to reuse his special collar and his name on whoever we find to be the right little dude for our family, and remember that those pieces of byron the 1st are holy because they were a piece of our little angel.

oh death, you are such a final sentence. but death is only a bad thing to us in the living. today i remember that life is not the only realm of existence. and we remember byron, a pure being if there ever was one.