the getty, los angeles

Do you ever have days when the overwhelmingness of being alive makes you feel like you could burst into tears at any moment? Ok, this is totally a woman thing, but I'm sure men have the same thoughts minus the tears.

This morning I woke up and I just felt heavy. But also in a strange way light because I felt... different.

I've been working really hard at positive thinking and making intentions for the past 2 months. Around 5 days a week I sit on my yoga mat, read, write in my journal, and sit in some sort of intention focused meditation with deep breathing. This sounds cliche, but it's dramatically changing my life. I notice my thoughts so much more than I used to, and I remember to focus on a thought or just become present. It's not an easy thing to do, and I honestly think it's impossible without the daily discipline of sitting and meditating. I stretch a little bit usually to get comfortable sitting, but I don't move through too much asana as it distracts my mind.

So I've been feeling good. I am not 'there', I know this. You are never done growing and learning. But overall I feel better about the decisions I make and how I spend my days. I'm facing fears, but taking baby steps to start. As long as I put in the work, the universe will take care of the rest. I control what I sow to an extent (still have a lot to learn), so what I reap are my intentions coming to life. I'm learning (slowly) to let go of expectations and just BE, DO, HAVE. Be what I want, do the work, and then have the beautiful results (good or bad).

This morning I just had a hard time staying positive. It was my birthday this weekend, and I kinda took a vacation from real life. I ate well, got pampered, and let go of my adult responsible life for 2 days. And today I didn't want it to end, ya know? I sometimes miss youth. I know I'm still young of course, but I can no longer disappear on some adventure or let the day take me where it will. I can no longer be ok with making $0. I can't go back to relying on my parents to take care of me. I can't go back to long lazy summer days with Patrick riding our bikes in the Connecticut countryside, hiking, and going to secluded swimming holes. (I also miss the east coast. I miss weather and empty roads and GREEN and family.) I'm an adult now and my work is most of my life at this moment. I can't disappear into days of spontaneity.

I realize everything is better looking at it from a distance, so I understand I wouldn't be happy if I went back. I had no purpose, I felt like a leaf blowing in the wind. It was fun and leisurely but I felt unhappy about not knowing where I wanted to go. As a "grown up woman" of 31 I need to know where I'm going.

This brings me back to why I feel like I could break down into tears very easily today. It's because of the terribly bittersweet reality that we can't move in time. We can't go backwards, we have to be right here. And right here is just as good, if not better than back there! Ironically, someday I'll look back at my living in this tiny studio apartment in Topanga, CA, working my ass off to create a business I believe in, and wish I could try it out again. Just for a little while. Forgetting all about the dissatisfaction and longing for life to move forward faster. Corners become smoothed when some time as passed.

It's impossible to feel happy, optimistic, and light everyday. We would become machines if we could master our emotions so well. I'm glad to evolve personally in my thinking, but I'm not mad that today I just feel a little sad. It will pass. And hey, some of the best creativity and art comes from times of high emotion. I'm going to go channel my spirit into making some clothing.

May you feel your true self coming through today.

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