I’m laying down with a cold, nursing sweet little Goldie. We’ve all caught a cold, except for Goldie, thank goodness. All is as well as it can be, adjusting to life with two children. I’m here to write about the day Goldie entered the world almost a month ago on August 25, 2019. I feel like documenting this is urgent, as childbirth quickly becomes a blurred memory. Thinking back to four Sunday’s ago...
Goldie was late. Her due date was August 16th, and my doctor and I decided to schedule an appointment to be induced exactly two weeks after her due date if she didn’t come on her own. I felt a little bummed about this, but knew it was the right thing to do. I actually felt like her not coming was my fault, as we were in the middle of moving (we bought out first house!) and I had a lot of work to do with my business. I didn’t want her to come yet until we were all moved out of our rental home, cleaned it, and moved all our stuff into the new house. Maybe subconsciously I was saying, ‘we’re not ready for you yet.’
After hearing induction was the next step and we had somewhat finished moving (our stuff was still mostly in boxes), I started focusing on her and her arrival. Saturday night, the night before she was born, I talked to her. I said, ‘We’re ready for you. We want you here. Please come, we are so excited to meet you.’ All night long I dreamt of going into labor on my own.
Sunday morning I’d planned for my friend Nicole to come over so I could shoot her in my newest clothing. Shortly before she got to our house, around 10 AM, I started having really mellow contractions! (Interestingly, I went into labor around the same time of day and the same day of the week with Shep.) I didn’t get too excited, because I heard labor can stop and start, and it could even be false labor. When I went to the bathroom and had bloody show (grossest term ever!) I knew things were happening. I pictured myself being scared when contractions began, because, well, labor is kinda scary. It’s intense and unknown, even though I’ve birthed a baby before. But because I knew of a looming induction appointment, going into labor on my own was very welcome and positive! It set the tone for my entire experience that day. It was a labor that began with gratitude.
Patrick shot Nicole in the clothes while I ‘directed’ the low key shoot. Nicole was THE BEST advocate to have around during the early stages of labor. She birthed her son Alex at home without any pain relief, and kept telling me ow strong I was, and how amazing I was doing. She was like my pre-birth doula! We wrapped up the shoot, Nicole left us some delicious food for after delivery, and I hugged my sister friend goodbye.
Goldie must’ve gotten really good at knowing her timing, because just after Nicole left the contractions started intensifying and getting closer together. I timed them, they were about 2-3 minutes apart and lasted 45 seconds. Another beautiful example of divine timing was that my Mom was over that day to watch Shep during our shoot! So she was already there to help us and come with us to the hospital. We all got in the car and drove 15 minutes down the road to Charlotte Hungerford hospital.
When we got to the hospital there was like no one there (it’s a very small town hospital). The front desk was empty so we went right up the elevator to the maternity ward, floor three. Upon arriving at the desk I leaned on the counter with both arms and said, ‘I’m here to have my baby.’ The nurses were so nice and got me set up in a beautiful large room overlooking the hills. It felt comfortable, relaxed, but ugh I still felt nervous about what I had to do there. My Mom brought some new toys for Shep and he was pretty content to play with her and eat pretzels from a vending machine. I felt good knowing Shep was cared for and happy as could be.
All the doctors from the practice I go to were not on call, so I was a little upset to hear Dr. Baxter was on her way. Who the heck is she?! I was about to google her when all the nurses said how lucky I was to have Dr. Baxter deliver, that she was the best. Ok... we’ll see, I thought. While we waited for her the nurses got me as comfortable as possible in the bed, set up a port in case I needed anything during delivery, asked me 100 questions between contractions because I wasn’t in their system yet, and monitored Goldie’s heart beat. I will always remember the sound of my babies’ heartbeats during delivery. The pumping, energetic whoosh whooshing sound is like the most beautiful music to my ears, but also the sound of pending massive change ahead. So reassuring, but also so intimidating.
Dr. Baxter came right in while still wearing her everyday clothes, making her feel more like a human being and not some doctor I’ve never met. Her presence was both nurturing and authoritative, I trusted her immediately. She touched my arm when she talked to me, and I literally felt in good hands. At this point I had bulging membranes and was 8 cm dilated, only about three hours after my labor began. Fast!
I had some options, but Goldie was already well on her way. I could try for an epidural, but there was no guarantee I would get it in time. I also felt like I wasn’t in such a state that I needed one. With Shep I labored for 30 hours and my contractions were so so close together that I knew I’d be up all night and exhausted if I didn’t get pain relief. The contractions hurt like hell, but I’d only been at it for a few hours and it was daytime. I also wanted to know what labor really felt like because with Shep I feel like I got to cheat! Not in a bad way and I have no regrets, but my ideal birth this time around was unmedicated and hopefully faster than my first! With some doubts and fear I said ‘No, I don’t need an epidural.’
The next option Dr. Baxter gave me was to break my water. The membranes were already bulging, I was 8 cm dilated. Breaking the water would speed things along, or else I could stay where I was for hours. The contractions were getting pretty painful, and with my labor with Shep I would’ve had him probably a day earlier if we had broken my water sooner (we broke it at like hour 24). So this one I said yes to.
Dr. Baxter said she was going to her changed into scrubs and be right back to break my water. Shep, my Mom, and Patrick all hung out as I went through a few more contractions. Dr. Baxter came back shortly and broke my water. She said she’d come again when I felt ready to push. Next contraction was INSANE. Trembling to your core, earth shattering pain. I was ready to push immediately. I called the nurses in, they called in the Dr., and on the next contraction we started pushing. The nurses held my legs up in a squatting position that drove me nuts, but felt most efficient.
I forgot how to push. We did around three sets of pushes per contraction, 10 seconds each. It’s the weirdest feeling, inhaling and holding your breath, and then pushing before you exhale. Dr Baxter said, imagine you’re underwater about to take the biggest poop of your life. Nooooo haha!!! How awful! By the next contraction I started to remember how it went and my pushes became more effective. I thought contractions hurt, but oh my God, the pushing is infinitely infinitely more intense. By the third contraction of pushing I just wanted this done. I knew if I pushed harder it’d be over faster. I could barely think of Goldie, I just wanted the pain to end. The fourth contraction we were moving her head out, and fuck, this was SEARING pain. Throbbing, legs shaking, toes trembling. I was on fire, I felt like a cartoon character about to blow my red head off with smoke coming out my ears.
AND THEN they told me to slow it down. Just when I was ready to blast Goldie out of me like a cannonball, they said I needed to hold the volcano in my groin so I didn’t tear my vagina in half. I had to sit with the fire while they stretched my vagina with their hands and pushed the rest of her out of me slowly. Patrick said he had no idea you could pull on a vagina like that, ha it was amazing. It was worth it, I didn’t need any stitches. But I did poop, and Goldie did too. Pat was happy, and disgusted.
Shep and my mom had left the room when we started the active labor, and they came back in minutes after Goldie was born. There was no drama with getting Shep out, and because the labor was so short, Shep had fun running around the hallways with my mom. He didn’t even have time to miss me or ask to come back in. It was perfect. Goldie again, nailing the timing. From start to finish labor was only around 5 hours. My girl waited to come until the time was right, and also gave me my ideal birth, fast and powerful. I am already so grateful for her. She seemed to know just what we needed.
Marigold ‘Goldie’ Anne Allers is here! Born at 3:12 PM, 7 lbs 5 oz, 20” long. In perfect health, except for some wrinkly hands from being in the womb for 41 weeks. She was so much bigger and redder than I remembered Shep being. Oh yeah, she also had her cord around her neck and they cut it while she was on her way out of me because it was choking her with my pushes. Cord knots and cords around necks have always worried me, so it was crazy to have it happen, and have the nurses so nonchalantly cut it and continue on. It took Goldie a few seconds to start crying when they placed her on my chest. When the cries started I felt so so relieved, unlike with Shep I wanted him to stop crying. As a second time parent I felt the crying to be reassuring and normal. Goldie and I cuddled and practiced nursing for about a half hour. I looked out the windows on the hills and saw eagles flying until the sun went down.
Something in Goldie’s face looked like an old soul, as cliche as that sounds. She just looked like she’d been here before. At one point Pat was rocking her in a rocking chair and her face just cracked me up, she looked... bored! So funny. That night and the next day were so special. I really appreciated just getting to lay in bed, breastfeed, and eat :) Patrick had to entertain Shep with only a few toys and an iPad, so he was eager to go home.
We left the hospital within 24 hours, to my disappointment. BUT we were going home as a family of four, with our precious little Goldie. I am already in love with her sense of humor, her chubby body, her cuddles, and of course I love how much she loves me! I’ve got her next to me all day everyday, and there’s no better feeling than that. Holding her in my arms I feel complete. My family is all here. We are so exceptionally blessed in love, this little family of ours! Thank you Goldie for being you, and for choosing us to love and care for you forever.