a new trail.

here i am on sunday evening finishing up on orders before taking a christmas break this week. i went on the most beautiful hike today with liam. the weather today was at about the temperature when you feel just completely alive. not too hot or cold, with just the right amount of sun and wind. i drank it in, taking deep breaths and trying my best to stay present while witnessing my thoughts.

i've been taking a break from the internet. for some people it inspires them and drives them, but more often than not for me it brings me down and zaps my creativity. if i go on instagram too much or just surf blogs and pinterest i begin to feel like a zombie with low self esteem. i blindly compare myself with others and doubt who i am. i wish for more 'followers' (like anyone will remember 100 years from now how many followers you had on social media!) and get excited when i get a bunch of 'likes'. it really is quite like being a drug addict, where you need your fix every few hours of the day. i quit facebook which has helped tremendously, but obviously my pride and joy- my purusha- needs to have an internet presence.

so this is where balance and moderation comes in. for me, it's somewhat easier to quit cold turkey than to discipline myself to moderate. but it must be done, and it's being done. i post what i need to post and let go. i am noticing the urge to check my phone, and seeing i don't have to. and now that i've found i'm happier without constant internet stimulation it's getting easier to continue. you just follow your joy. my joy is not waiting for me on instagram. it's in a good book, it's in my journal, it's in a hike, it's in a cup of chamomile tea with honey and lemon, it's in a daydream. it's funny, i kinda have to revert back to the me of 2007. when i didn't have a job, lived with my parents in my childhood bedroom where i painted the walls golden orange, spent my days painting and writing poetry, listened to a lot of joni mitchell and van morrison, didn't even own a computer, and when i met my love patrick. creativity flowed boundlessly.

though i sometimes yearn for what was, i can't go back to those carefree days. and everything good appears heavenly when you're looking back at it, doesn't it? so this is now. i just want to take the best bits of me from back then and remember how it felt to be constantly inspired. i'm excited to celebrate the holidays and remember that taking a few steps back often brings you to a new trail you never noticed before.


the leader.

oh mama! i'm finally starting to catch my breath. the past 4 weeks or so have been sort of insane for me. just non-stop work. and stress. and tiredness. pretty common territory for running your own business though, don't you think?

i really had no idea that moving into our new studio space would be so complicated. buying sewing machines, hiring a new person, actually working with the people i hire (not working from our separate homes!), trying to maximize our production capacities, out sourcing our dyeing and printing, and actually becoming a BOSS... it's all so new. it's required me to stay on my toes and act fast when problems arose. i think i'm doing a decent job of it. or at least i tell myself this. you have to. pep talks and mantras like "i am powerful" and "i love to meet challenges" have become a ritual for me as i make the commute to work. i've always prided myself on being an awesome employee, that's all i've ever known. but to be an awesome boss, damn it's a trip. it's a journey to get to that head space, and to realize you have all the power. obviously not in a sick way, but in a way that makes you own it. i have to be more confrontational than i'm comfortable with, and not worry all the time about being liked and being the nicest person in the world. you just have to get the job done and be the leader.

i think the idea of becoming a leader has been the hardest part for me. making lists and plans and organizing, that's all good. but to be the foundation, the rock that supports the whole business, it's going to take a little more development than 4 weeks. i know this is just the beginning. i've been trying to channel some people i've worked for in my life that i've respected. they weren't my best friend, they made sure to correct me when i did something wrong (but didn't act like a dick about it), they complimented me when i did something right, and believed i was capable of good work. i want to be one of them. 

i think i can.



this has definitely been the longest i've gone without blogging in a lonnng time. busyness and business. sometimes life just takes you for a ride, doesn't it? and days fly by as you work like a little worker bee. last night i had the honor and pleasure of hanging out with some awesome new girlfriends!!! let me tell you, girl time is so therapeutic, and with a demanding work schedule, i sometimes forget that i need that time. i am grateful for beautiful feminine energy last night that pulled me in and reminded me of who i am and who i strive to be. i'm a really really lucky person (sick of me saying that yet?!), but sometimes i just can't believe it and i get scared of losing my luck, or something. my default mind often goes to worry and worst case scenario, out of habitual experience from traumas in my past, and it truly is a conscious struggle to rewire myself. but i keep working on it all... opening myself to the invitations life offers me, and constantly striving to create new memories that are positive, so i can realize maybe there isn't such a thing as luck. maybe you create your own blessings by being open, doing what scares you, and sharing yourself and your love freely. namaste.


changes ahead.

i have a lot of feelings right now. excitement, fear, worry, joy, confusion, dread, wonder... ha pretty much all feelings. we get to move into the new art space starting tomorrow or friday, and i feel a little, oh my gosh, well overwhelmed at it all. it's kinda nuts going from working at home for the past 3 years to leaving home and working with people again. i know it's totally different this time around. this is my business and i call the shots, which in itself is a whole other blog post. i won't get to be with liam and patrick 24/7, but i won't have to work out of such a small somewhat frustrating space like i am right now at home. i know the point of what i'm doing is to grow and turn into a "real" business, but i can't help but feel a little nostalgic this week as i screen print at the kitchen table and dye out of the kitchen sink, taking breaks to snuggle with liam and make weird jokes with patrick. within the next couple weeks i'll be dyeing out of an industrial sink and screen printing on a rotary press, with the help of some lovely new people whom i amazingly get to employ! it is such an incredible feeling to employ people. it's just... wow! it's nice :). and nadya will be sewing out of our space as well. i'm considering even having like a little factory store in our space or mini showroom. we'll see!

it's all so grand isn't it? i'm trying to enjoy it, think positive, and realize everything is GOOD (!), but i still feel stressed. there is so much change. with all these people helping me and the new space... i almost feel like i'm learning how to run a completely different business. i guess i am. will i stock inventory? will customers still need to wait for orders? i need to square away all my dyeing and printing techniques, making sure they are fool proof as i train other people. i need to set the whole place up and buy sewing machines, storage containers, and i want to make the place cute! with a couch? a fridge? some little pieces of decor to make the place feel like a home! it's a lot to think about. if anyone out there has any advice for me, i'll gladly take it. i suppose for now i'll keep trying to just take it one day at a time. 



i'm taking a break from life right now eating halloween candy and listening to lorde like a teenager and i love it! lorde sings that song 'royals' that you've probably all heard, and you probably know about her already too. i'm always like a year or ten late to music and movies. but i just think this song is so rad, and i think lorde is a pretty cool 16 year old. she reads books (?!), writes her own lyrics, doesn't want to sing about being rich (i can't even imagine if the people i looked up to as a teen were intelligent and not shallow!), and is just herself. it's funny how a teenager can remind you of just how cool it is to be you. being like everyone else is boring! i want to embrace all of me and move forward with total self love. thanks lorde.


you just get better.

hehe this is me doing my favorite thing, laying down. 

it feels really good to work hard. i'm working hard on purusha as always, working hard on my body with my yoga and personal training and running, and working hard on my mind. purusha takes up most of my time, especially lately, and there are plenty of super exciting things on the horizon! we move into our new art space next week (i'm calling it an art space, not a work space. it sounds better, don't you think?!), i hire some new people very soon, and i have a few amazing wholesale opportunities in the near future. i'm lucky enough to work out often, and i've been trying to up my protein! just a little experiment to see what happens to my body. i'm drinking a vegan protein shake everyday and even eating more meat! we shall see what happens! 

and my mind... oh boy my dear special little mind. working hard on my mind is a challenge. because, you can sort of get away without working on it. just floating through tasks, going on instagram, working a lot and crossing things off my list... only to find my thoughts went totally unaccounted for for the past few months straight. practicing yoga often does not mean that i'm actually exercising my mind either. i straight up have to meditate for mind training to work. i can't do anything else but sit. it's too distracting. so this past week i've really been putting in the effort to sit still, breathe, and watch my thoughts. 

purusha is growing now, and i can already tell my role in my business is shifting to be more of a boss. i've been running purusha for 4 1/2 years without much of a change in what i do, but i have a feeling this is all going to change fast as we move into the space and i have more people helping me make the clothing. i can actually focus on growing the brand! it's so neat, but intimidating. i'm totally game for it all, i just feel like i need to start taking accountability for my mind as i become accountable for other people. the old stories i used to tell myself- that i'm shy, that i'm not a boss, i am unsure of myself... yada yada yada... they just aren't working for me anymore. so i'm working hard meditating (that sounds like an oxymoron!), or rather putting the time in to meditate, so i can really realize what it is i think about all the time. if anything it's just more peaceful to bring the mind's focus to breath, positive thoughts, and to awareness rather than letting it go on autopilot to timbuktu! 

i'm trying to spend less time on social media (this is hard!), but i have to share a quote i saw on someone's instagram today that i really resonated with. 

'it doesn't get easier, you just get better.' 

so true. my life will always have challenges; but i keep working on myself, keep growing as a person, and make sure i take enough time to simply lay down when i need it.



our hearts are hurting over here. there is a void.

about 2 months ago patrick, liam, and i decided it was the right time to adopt another little doggie boy into our family. we went back and forth with if we should rescue a dog or get a lab. (this is not the post to preach why to rescue. i know why, and i'm trying to do what makes sense for our situation.) anyways, somehow we were led to find a lab breeder in northern cali that had pups born that very day, august 28th. how funny we thought, liam was born on may 28th, and the dogs looked SO much like liam. the effort to get this puppy was very easy and it just flowed so we went ahead with it. 

patrick has always said liam looks like his name should be byron, so we named our pup byron. with the breeders help we chose the fox red lab puppy that would do best with liam. that was really the main reason to get a lab pup, someone to help liam play and see and feel confident again. we felt really good about choosing the more mellow dude that would be liam's seeing eye dog. a few weeks ago we bought liam and byron matching navy blue and white polka dot collars from our friend that makes them by hand at the farmer's market. we mailed the collar to byron and were getting really excited to pick up our "son" next week.

yesterday though we got the worst news. byron had suffered from intussusception, was bleeding internally, and his intestines had folded in on themselves. this is really rare but normally operable, but because the location was so close to byron's stomach the vet thought the surgery would be very complicated and most likely not successful. and the little guy was suffering immensely. so we had to make the decision to put byron down.

the anticipation of our puppy was kinda like having a baby, and the loss of him just feels so empty. i've never had kids so this is all i know. and damn it hurts. i miss the little guy. we skyped with him, saw many pictures of him, heard he was digging little holes just yesterday morning, and felt like he was ours. our byron. and now he's just gone. patrick and i keep going back and forth in our emotions. one moment we're angry at the world that our puppy out the 11 others had to be the one to die, the next we're just hollow, and the next we're swimming in gratitude for our sweet liam and that everyone else in our lives is ok right now.

if anything this is such a cruel but real reminder that life exists on the brink of death. we are alive because of death. it is what it is. death is on my dinner plate. our world is so unnaturally removed from death that when it happens we're in shock, yet it is the way of the world. as natural as it is though, it doesn't stop the pain. 

so we grieve. we understand that byron had the best little life, where he never had to leave his mom and dad and brothers and sisters. we're going to reuse his special collar and his name on whoever we find to be the right little dude for our family, and remember that those pieces of byron the 1st are holy because they were a piece of our little angel.

oh death, you are such a final sentence. but death is only a bad thing to us in the living. today i remember that life is not the only realm of existence. and we remember byron, a pure being if there ever was one.


one breath at a time.

hello and good evening my sweet friends! hehe, that photo above?! just me and liam doing what we do! i take a cuddle break every few hours with my guy. he's an angel.

i miss blogging. my life has just been really full recently, and i can see that with busyness comes new priorities (apparently dog cuddling is still a big one!). some days i feel so heavily overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a business owner, but i quickly remember (most of the time) there's only so much one person can do in a day. in a way, this thought makes me calm. i realize things will get done in their own time, and me cramming my head with worry and dread does nothing to change this. 

being a waitress (i waitressed until my second year of purusha) has helped me to be a better entrepreneur. when you're waitressing, and it's friday night and you've got 9 tables you prioritize pretty fast. you see that getting all stressed and bothered does nothing to help your cause. it makes your performance worse. so you take a deep breath, focus your mind on the task at hand, and get a busser to run your food out while you greet table number 10 like you have all the time in the world for them. it's all about the task at hand, and remembering you can only do one thing at a time.

one thing at a time. deep breaths. focus on the task at hand. it's funny, because this is meditation isn't it? we practice yoga, watch our breath, and meditate when moments are still, so that maybe, just maybe, we can remember to do these things when the storms come. it's way easier said than done, that's for sure. but it looks like i'm in for a lot of practice as purusha evolves and challenges me more and more each day. again, i'm a waitress. things are running smoothly, but every once in a while you spill someone's drink. i.e. your website is down because the wholesale page is malfunctioning (right now.. ugh!). all i can do is my very best and leave it at that.

i'm doing my very best. i'm here in the storm and taking one breath at a time. namaste.



this is a crappy-ish iphone photo, but.... i signed the lease to the purusha palace! hehe! it's soooo exciting! all production of purusha- sewing, dyeing, and perhaps screen printing- will be done in this beautiful art space! it's exposed brick, high ceilings, big windows, skylights... oh my gosh, it's really a beautiful place. we set up factory november 1st! weee! i don't know if this is cool to say, but i feel really proud. it's happening! 


what's really important.

i am really in love with where i live in topanga. it's peaceful and quiet, we get to be close to nature but still near LA, and we have a really kind and friendly neighborhood. sometimes i forget though that we're living in a place that maybe we shouldn't be.

today is super super windy. the santa ana winds are blowing through, and for the first time since we've lived here there is a red flag for extreme fire danger. at this time of year the land is dry from no rain since winter, the humidity is low, and the winds are gusty. combine this with a spark of any kind and we have a perfect recipe for fire.

last night i was feeling really worried about fire. i read a lot about how fires are such a natural process here where we live in the santa monica mountains. in fact, many plants depend on the cleansing of fires to grow. some seeds are in cases that need to be burned off, and the fires help to clear out all the dead plant matter. the more we humans suppress the fires, the more decaying matter builds up. so when the fires do come, they are bigger. i'm still really worried, but at the same time i'm accepting that this is the natural progression of things. what can we do? move? there's nowhere else i want to be right now.

i used to think that people who lived in dangerous weather areas were kinda dumb. like why set your life up in a place where everything can be so easily taken away from you? but now i understand. because you love that place. you put down roots there even though you realize the risk. i'd rather live somewhere i love than move somewhere that's not right for me to avoid the potential loss. {it also helps to have insurance! and not a lot of highly valuable stuff.}

in a way this fire warning has made me contemplate what's important. only our lives. we could lose everything and i'd probably miss a few things, but nothing is totally irreplaceable. not like a life. so if a fire comes, or this is hard to say but, when a fire comes, we will just leave. patrick, liam, and i will get out and the possessions of our lives will be cleansed by the fire like the rest of the chapparal. i am working on finding a peace with this. namaste.


favorites on etsy recently.

 lavender + chamomile organic toner

always a whole lotta love for the amazing artisans on etsy :). honored and blessed to sell amongst them!


just a 'lil business update.

hello my dears! oh my gosh, good stuff is happening. well i guess it's been happening for a while, but the goodness has just added up to capacity at this point. i am so so lucky to be following my dream. life is insanely busy now pretty much all the time, and the wait for clothing orders is pushing 5 weeks. too long, i know. SO this is where the really good stuff is going on! tomorrow i start looking at locations to rent for a work space in downtown LA! i'm hiring another seamstress, and either buying a screen printing rotary press or outsourcing my screen printing to a location in LA. oh my!!! is my dream of a merry sunlit factory coming true?! 

in other news, purusha's winter-spring 2014 line is looking pretty sweet! i'm planning on defining the styles of clothing in my shop a little more. so active-lounge-street. i wear yoga pants like everyday, but i'm not one of those people that has any desire to wear my yoga pants out at night. i like having my separate clothes for my separate activities. plus, the more i work out with my trainer tyler i see i don't want to exercise in nice stuff. tyler punishes me (this is a good thing!) in cross fit like exercises, and honestly i've never worked out so hard in my life. i sweat a lot, and i'm finding i appreciate my nylon pants more than anything else. so my active wear will be made just for that- to get sweaty. lounge wear can be a little more playful and fun, but i wouldn't recommend maybe doing a hot yoga class or a body pump class in them. and street! this is my new stuff i'm really excited about! i want to make "regular" clothes. hehe. so we'll be making some hemp jeans, silk and hemp trousers, a cardigan, a dress, and some slouchy organic tees. yes!

i think that's about it! it's getting cool here in topanga, and i'm feeling cozy tonight as patrick is cooking me dinner. i can't say it enough, but i'm a lucky woman.



the beach.

this weekend patrick, liam, and i took a little weekend getaway to santa barbara. it truly was heavenly. the weather was perfect, the people we love were inspiring, and the time to relax was just what i needed! we ate well, laughed a lot with my sister and friends, got massages (!), and played at the beach. i couldn't imagine a more perfect way to de-stress and take a short break from life. aaaah :) and now i feel recharged and happy to get back to work! oh yay! and namaste.


thoughts early this morning.

i just woke up a little over an hour ago. with this overwhelming sense of LUCK. like god damn i'm lucky to be myself in america with the education, the ability, and the opportunity to live my dreams. i'm trying to keep my life stress free and positive, but can't help but get caught up in the awe that i even have a chance to keep stresses and bad stuff away from my days.

i set the tone to my day when i read this article this morning. it's awful, painful, and just plain unfair. i somewhat understand that life isn't fair {that doesn't stop me from wishing otherwise}, but c'mon now i just can't believe where i live with so much opportunity, others live with so much struggle and despair. one woman in the rana plaza garment factory collapse is about my age, and has a broken leg and is going blind from the stampede to get out of the building. not to mention that perhaps she had family and friends that died in the disaster. and to further add insult to injury, she can't afford her medical bills. most of the brands involved in the collapse are taking no responsibility.

perhaps i'm super naive, but i just don't understand as a business owner the ability to ignore the bad shit your company does. big brands run the world, they have shareholders to respond to, and most likely they can shrug off responsibilities to the people that work below them. we've heard this before, but with great money comes great responsibility. business owners literally have the power to change the world with their practices. it's like having the super power of the jedi! but many people take that power to the dark side. there's seemingly more money to be made with the sith. sad face.

i'm obviously not claiming to be more virtuous than the common person. oh my gosh, we all have our faults. i think it's just because i make clothing that i give a ton of thought to the garment industry. my extensive research has turned me into a clean clothes crusader in my own life, and in a way i struggle with wanting to share this information within my brand. of course i don't want to tell you how to live, and i sure as hell don't want to preach to you and make anyone feel that i'm looking down on them. i can't deny that it's easy to purposefully forget everything i know when i see the perfect dress i've been wanting that's been made in bangladesh.

so i think the best thing i can do is keep sharing my gratitude for all that i have, and keep making clothing i believe in. it's good to be educated and inspect where our money is going {now more than ever as big businesses just get bigger}, but it's probably better to just focus on what's good and put your money towards businesses that are in line with your morals. i plan on writing another post soon about how to afford these ethical brands. {in short, just buy less. easier said than done!}.

i suppose that's enough of my rant for today. anyone who reads my blog, i kinda feel like you're my close friend or family, so i really do feel honored to share my inner dialogue with you. 

hope your day is beautiful. so grateful for my great luck in life that i can write and express myself, go for a walk with my dog, and perhaps feel a little like a jedi. ;) namaste.


taking stock.

happy friday! today i was inspired by my favorite blog, the daybook, who was inspired by pip from meet me at mike's! this is just a fun little thingy to update my blog with where i am in my life right now :) so here goes!

Making : clothes! ha, what a surprise, right? i'm constantly dyeing and screen printing and dreaming up new designs.
Cooking : kombucha- not really cooking. but tonight i'll probably be cooking some sort of pasta with seafood and a giant salad.
Drinking : tulsi holy basil rose tea. right this second! it's getting cooler out and i just LOVE it. winter is the best in topanga- cozy to the extreme! fog rolls in at night and burns off mid morning. we live in a cloud!
Reading: to die for: is fashion wearing out the world? by lucy siegle. most mind blowing and eye opening book about fashion i've ever read.
Wanting: our puppy! we're getting a puppy at the end of next month to be a companion and seeing eye dog to liam. we can't wait! it feels like we're having a baby!
Looking: at my 2 boys, liam and patrick, and thinking i am one lucky and blessed person.
Playing: practicing jiu jitsu with patrick. he makes me "roll" with him, and it's very funny.
Wasting: time at night. i am pretty hooked on the game 'where's my water' on my ipad. i can't stop!
Sewing: tags on clothing.
Wishing: that patrick and i would get married soon. this winter. hint hint! ;) i just wanna call him my husband, that's like the whole reason i want to do it. lol.
Enjoying: a glass of rosenthal wine before dinner after my work's done. while watching mad men.
Waiting: to order my new screen printing press and relocate my work area to this sweet open air spot on our landlord's property. it's gonna be soooo awesome and much more efficient!
Liking: minimalism and simplifying life- less on the to do list, more room for spontaneity.
Wondering: where i'll find the perfect wool for new yoga pants to sell in my shop!
Loving: my body. for real. this is the first time in my life i've begun to really accept my body and love it for what it is.
Hoping: i'll get all my work done today and not have to work too much this weekend.
Marveling: how powerful attention to breathing is. focusing on deep full breaths, and suddenly i am the most chill person.
Needing: to do a nice long relaxing yoga session today. probably on yogaglo.
Smelling: my lust solid perfume by LUSH.
Wearing: magenta purusha leggings, one of patrick's t-shirts, and a purusha hoodie :)
Following: the same 2 routes everyday on liam and i's walks and runs.
Noticing: there's a tree in our yard that acts just like new england trees. it's changing color and leaves are falling.
Knowing: that if i refuse to give up, my dreams will come true.
Thinking: of how much i have to do today. and how exciting it is to mail out orders to people. it's like being santa.
Bookmarking: the only place i could find iron & wine's live itunes exclusive EP on the internet. the version of sodom, sotuh georgia on there is the most romantically sad song i've ever heard. {http://grooveshark.com/#!/album/Live+Session+iTunes+Exclusive+EP/7067586}
Opening: my mind up to be less reactive. so not to think in habitual ways, but take each new experience for what it is- new. and it requires a new reaction.
Giggling: about how liam finds himself in weird places in the house from time to time. trapped under the kitchen table, or stuck between the piano bench and the piano. he just stands there until we solve it for him!
Feeling: grateful. so grateful. my life is really beautiful and love filled. it seems to just get better and better. 


wool! {and a little hemp too!}

maybe it's ireland that's lingering in my veins, but i am kinda fascinated and thrilled by the idea of wool right now. no not itchy bulky wool, but organic superfine merino wool and shetland wool, with perhaps a touch of spandex. {i might be addicted to spandex.}

a lot of people will ask me, 'what fabric is the most earth and people friendly?' and the answer is pretty complicated. when we humans create something, a product, there is always a foot print. organic cotton requires massive amounts of water from countries where people are starving, bamboo and tencel and modal require chemicals to dissolve the wood pulp, and nylon is non-biodegradable and produces dangerous greenhouse gases. not to mention all these fibers require petroleum to be processed into their fabric form. 

hemp is one fabric that is really environmentally friendly, but the fabric is a bit stiff and doesn't hold vivid colors well unless blended with other fibers. i would actually love to use hemp, but i feel like brighter colors and super soft fabrics are a key ingredient in yoga/lounge clothing. what do you think? are you down with the hemp? :) i just orderd some hemp blend swatches, so we'll see what happens! {perhaps a hemp blog post in the near future. hehe!}

but for now, back to wool. some facts : wool requires no petroleum for production or finishing. it's biodegradable {can return to the earth and decompose quickly}, sheep herds on grassland can provide nutrients to soil, fibers are sustainable as sheep are shorn annually, and if you are buying organic wool there are no synthetic pesticides being used on the pasture lands. plus, wool is the ultimate wicking fabric- the fibers 'breathe' by pushing away moisture from the body and releasing it into the air, it's wrinkle resistant, it's colorful as it absorbs dye easily with no chemicals, and it has great temperature control- keeping you warm in cold temps and cool in warm temps. 

and a big deal for the long term wear of the garment- the fibers are so soft. we all want to do our part to buy consciously and support brands we believe in, but i think #1 you have to be in love with the product itself. for me that means it's gotta be super soft, stylish without being overly trendy, and did i mention super soft? for real though, i notice myself putting on what i find most comfortable against my skin, and these are the pieces i hang on to over time. they don't get donated to goodwill. 

so i'm on the hunt for some awesome wools. the perfect wools for t-shirts and lounge/yoga pants. preferably i would like to find some rare breed sheep wools {a lot of sheep have become endangered as we are using less kinds of sheep for wool production. by bringing back rare breeds, we allow for diversity and therefore ecological resilience.}, but as a small clothing company, i have to start with what i can and hope for these bigger better things when the time and money allows.

i'll keep y'all posted on the wool progress, and post as i test out some fabrics and some designs! xo!


my new #1 dream.

hello my dear friends! how are you?! oh my gosh, i've missed you! i've missed sharing my thoughts, creating, imagining, dreaming, and even working. last week i was in dublin, ireland with my parents {i'll be posting a merry little blog about it this week!} for a very relaxing vacation. let me tell you, i really needed a break. isn't it just so healthy to take time away from your everyday life? and open yourself up to new surroundings, new people, and a new state of mind? i can honestly say i didn't think about clothing, designs, or business once while on my trip. in american culture where we are driven very intensely by work, it is such a sweet surrender to fully be present in a new environment, and let go of any stresses or thoughts of money and business.

which leads me to my new perspective on life! seriously, this is a BIG change for me. i've decided to reorder my priorities. money and work are no longer my #1 concern in life. it's kinda funny writing that out, because i don't think i even realized that i allowed these things to take precedence over everything else. my new #1 is no stress, just love. when i was in ireland i had zero stress. i mean, that's easy to do when you're not working and exploring a foreign country, but i think it took me going away to understand that feeling stress free is enlightening. and possible. living well is for the present moment, not for some distant time in the future when all the work is done, ya know?

i'm not going to be afraid or feel guilty about living a life of relaxation and ease. of course i will still work hard on purusha, but i'm not going to let anything about it stress me out. what's the point in living each day with unnecessary struggles and strife? this morning a few bumps in the road came up while i was working- problems with opening a business bank account, and perhaps a missing check in the mail... and i noticed my adrenalin started rising and my mindset turned to aggression and resistance. in a sick way, my brain kinda got off on it, like it was happy to have it's chemical fix of frustrations, as it usually did. but my vacation mind was just like 'hellll no. let's no go there. i like being chill.' so i didn't. i did some yoga and breathed it out.

it's unrealistic i know to think you can keep the 'on a vacation' goggles on, with life always handing you lemons and lost checks and plenty of work looming. but i don't want my body and mind to be a victim to living. i want the way i live to nourish me, taking enough time everyday to be present and just enjoy. and not feel like work is how i should be spending much of my life. as long as i can pay my bills and live a modestly delicious life, i'll be happy. i'm not letting go of big dreams for purusha, but at the same time i feel this releasing of my desire for more. like, i'm ok with what the universe gives me. finding peace today is my #1 dream.

i have everything i need right here, and all i have to do is relax into it and find i can go on a vacation in my mind for a moment anytime i like.



i'm feeling heartbroken. i know it could be worse, it could be better.. blah blah blah. but i just feel terribly emotional. this weekend is appears to us that liam lost quite a bit more vision. it basically happened overnight. thursday, liam and i went hiking with a friend and her dog and he was his usual slightly clumsy self, but he could manage a hike without a leash. sunday morning patrick and i noticed liam had a hard time finding where to step off the bed, which we thought was weird, but also thought maybe he was disoriented from just waking up? we took him on a hike and it was nuts. like he could barely walk the trail. and today i took liam on a run with a leash and liam couldn't keep up. he circled around and behind me, clearly confused and scared about not knowing where he was. he couldn't even find his friend adele's house like he usually can. when i called his name it took a while for his eyes to find me, if they did at all. i came home after our run and just bawled. i'm trying to be strong and keep things happy for liam, but i can't help but feel a little devastated.

so this afternoon we took liam to the opthamologist just to check why his vision decreased so rapidly, and be sure there wasn't anything besides PRA wrong. the doctor's were super kind to us, and luckily there isn't any neurological damage or anything, all they could really tell us was he has advanced degeneration in his retina. like we already know. i'm just kinda in shock at how much our baby boy has changed within only 36 hours. man, am i missing that 30% vision he once had. the doctor told us things will get easier once liam adjusts and realizes he can't see, so he'll start using his other senses more to move around... but right now i gotta say it's really really painful for me to watch. he's still trying to see.

i know liam is going to be just fine. he's still happy, though confused, it's just silly little me that's feeling pretty low. today i bought the book 'living with blind dogs'. in a way i just kinda hoped and believed that liam would never go blind. i didn't think i would have to buy a book on living with a blind dog. ouch. it hurts right now.

i had to help liam go outside this evening, putting him in this little dirt spot he lays in sometimes, and i watched as he just stayed there... and realized he was planning on staying there until i helped him out. normally we keep the front door open and liam steps outside and sits as he pleases, but today he couldn't do it without our help. that's the hardest part, seeing that he can't be independent, and go roll in the dirt or find a stick on his own.

i guess all i can do is wait for time, time will heal me. and liam's already healed. ha most of what he cares about is food! and hugs and walks.. and those things aren't going anywhere. it feels a little like mourning today... you know that feeling like it might be, hopefully could be?, a dream? speaking of dreams, i just lost it a little while ago thinking that liam can only see now in his dreams. waahhhh. my heart.

more than anything i feel just this sense of finality. there's nothing that can be done, and being sad longer than necessary doesn't do a thing. so i cry, buy a book on blind dogs, and move on. deep breaths. liam is still here with us, in no pain, and smiling. that's all that matters.


surrounded by beauty.

photos by katie adelsberger. modeling by lauren york.

i am just SO blown away with these incredible photos from our recent shoot for the night call collection. above are some of my favorites, but if i could put up all 260 photos in a blog post without being obnoxious, oh i surely would! i feel like the luckiest girl in the world that i have the BEST photographer and model to work with. katie and lauren, i love you sooooo much!!!! thank you with all my heart for creating such beauty with me. i really feel completely honored to work with these immensely talented women. gosh darn it! i can't wait to work with these ladies many many times to come. aww i'm all warm inside. :)

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