1

28 weeks!



Hello! Well, things sure have changed in the past two months. Nothing serious! Lucky for me. But more like... inconveniences. I took for granted with Shep's pregnancy that I didn't have really anything too uncomfortable. The worst of it was heartburn, which didn't even happen until the last couple weeks of pregnancy. I have heartburn starting now, at 28 weeks. It's not bad yet, but I can feel it starting, that burning in the back of my throat when I lay down. Oh yeah, I also still have waves of nausea. They go away quickly, but they come over me unexpectedly, and I feel myself groaning/sighing almost involuntarily. I feel sick sitting in the car, laying on my back, when I need more water, very early in the morning when I can't sleep. These are all the things I feel safe talking about with others.

The things I don't want to talk about are... well, pretty gross. It took me a few days before I could even speak the word aloud to anyone, but it's hemorrhoid, aka piles, aka who in the fuck doctor/scientist was like, yes, let's also call this condition 'piles'. I told my Mom it's also called this and she was like 'ohhhh.. how many will pile up?' It's making me laugh now, it's out in the open and I can take care of it, but still, it's not a hot topic on BabyCenter forums or something women share with each other. I know it's pretty common, so I wanted to share it with any other mamas reading so they know they're not alone and it's not something we have to hide because it's not "cute", like swollen fingers. So... my veins below my belly are just not having it this time. I've got the H (just one, now that's cute, right?!), round ligament variscosity, and vulvar variscosity. Basically, it's all collapsing, the veins are maxed out. Already, at 28 weeks. I absolutely understand though I'm lucky, none of this affects Goldie, it's just something I need to get through. Epsom salt baths every night are the highlight of my day. 

I am enjoying how active baby is! She kicks a lot, she's already low key. I don't have the time to reflect on her as much as I did Shep, she fits in with our lives, as I know she will when she's born. I have a feeling Shep will be the bigger baby of the two as time goes on. He enjoys it I think! I am treasuring my time with him, he's been such a little sweetie. He kisses my belly a lot and says he loves Goldie, and he loves me so much. I have such a richness in love, Shep couldn't be any more affectionate. I got him to stop nursing at night! So that's headed in the right direction to exclusively nurse Goldie, and he really only nurses in the day if he's tired or exceptionally grumpy. His favorite thing is to cuddle with my belly. I can't imagine a nicer big brother!

Three months from now she'll be born! It feels too soon, and too long at the same time because of my body. I feel REALLY old lately. Kinda beat. I don't know how people have a bunch of kids. This is most likely it for me. 35 in childbearing years feels like 60. I'm trying my hardest to enjoy these days of having a baby within me, it's an experience that's indescribable. I know I'll miss it and long for it again someday. With all the pains and inconveniences, it's still a holy and precious time, a time to not be taken for granted and wished to be over. Fertility is such a short window in a woman's life, I want to soak it all up, hemorrhoid and all.


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21 Weeks!




It looks like we're halfway there! Things are going as well as they can, I think! My biggest complaints are some leg cramps when I'm laying in bed at night, still some nausea here and there, and my round ligament varicosities in my groin :/ Basically my ligaments just below my belly are wrapped with veins that are strained and pooling blood. So there are two little lumps there that are minorly painful and I have to be careful not to bang myself into anything or they could explode. LOL pretty stuff huh?! Now that that's out of the way... the good things!

I had my more detailed fetal anatomy ultrasound 2 weeks ago and Goldie is perfect! PHEW! Patrick was sick that day and couldn't accompany me with Shep, so I had to go to myself. This was the first prenatal appointment I've gone to without my support crew, so I felt more nervous than usual. It's just nerve-wracking to wait as they scan every organ, saying little prayers to myself that each section is ok. Once it was over I appreciated getting to see our little girl's brain, heart, face, limbs, etc, but in that moment I was just sweating. I don't remember being that nervous with Shep's fetal anatomy ultrasound, but it also feels like a long time ago, so who knows! She is measuring big for her age, which is kinda crazy because Shep always measured small. Her head looked big to me. Haha! She's super active and kicks a lot. All good news there.

I think I am bigger when I compare myself to photos of my first preg around this time. I've gained 15 lbs. I don't feel as attached to my body as my first pregnancy, because I know it will do what it will do regardless of how I mentally fight against it, and my body will bounce back to what it was, as it does. There's just more trust and understanding with the process. It's all so incredible and I feel insanely lucky to be getting to do this again, and to be healthy throughout it. I do miss Dr. Chang! I have a team of doctors at the clinic I use, so any of the three of them could deliver, or if for whatever reason they can't, it'll be someone I've never met at the hospital. I like one of them much more than the others, so I hope I get lucky and get her. I feel more like I'm delivering her this time, I've experienced it before and it'll all be ok.

Shep has been hovering around me this whole time, so my writing feels subpar. He's asking me what ice cream flavor I want, he has an ice cream shop. Every time he sees my tummy he gives it a kiss and asks how Goldie is going to get out. He is soooo into me right now, attached and loving and maybe even a little obsessed, but I do think he'll be an awesome big brother. My biggest worry is how to share myself with both and still give Shep the love and attention he needs. Instead of reading birthing books I need some sibling books. Any recommendations? Ok I gotta go now, I gotta eat my rainbow ice cream ;)

2

15 Weeks Pregnant With Baby Girl!



Hello! Well, we are having another baby! Just this week I've started to come out of round the clock nausea that started at week 5. GOD it sucked. Not wanting to eat, and food making you want to throw up is a terrible thing. I got on Diclegis at around week 9 so that's been my savior. To be honest, this pregnancy has been a lot harder than Shep's. With Sheppy I was SUPER sick for two weeks, with this one it's not as bad, but it won't quit. It's just been this underlying exhaustion, disgust with most food, nausea, and actually just a general disgust in life for anything that isn't nice. By that I mean I can't read, watch, or listen to anything that has a tone of fear, negativity, or trauma. I guess that isn't a bad thing, to want only what's beautiful and happy. I've read 'Little Women', 'Pride and Prejudice', and now I'm reading 'The Lost World', and even that is a bit too much for me! Whatevs I guess, just rolling with what I got!

I'm going to just write what I feel like for this pregnancy rather than the same format each time. Today we are 14 weeks 5 days, rounding up to 15 weeks ;). Also, today is my sister Kate's birthday! Happy Birthday lil gil! I'm looking at photos of myself around this point when I was pregnant with Shep and I don't think I look that different. Maybe a little bigger? I put on maternity pants for the first time to take this photo, and I'm reminded... YES! Maternity clothes are GOOD. Haha! I was trying to squeeze into my jeans the other day when I didn't feel like wearing leggings, and it was not comfortable at all. 

We got the wonderful news last week that our baby doesn't have any genetic abnormalities (at least ones they can test for), and it's a girl! We were really hoping for a girl, to get one of each, and feel SO lucky to have gotten our wish. It'll be fun to experience a completely different world, different toys, different brain really! I think Sheppy will be a really sweet big brother, hopefully, most of the time. 

Shep is pretty neutral on the baby. He has really taken to the name I want, Goldie. When I mention 'the baby sister' or 'baby girl', he says 'I want Goldie!'. The gender seems to bug him, he just wants our Goldie. He sometimes will kiss my stomach and say hi to her, or asks why she can't come out and play now, will she cry?, and he says he's willing to share milk with her. Haha, yea, I'm one of those weirdos that's still nursing. I know it's not weird in other parts of the world, and it's still beneficial for immunity and it definitely bonds us, just most people I tell are...surprised. LOL. I understand it's really quite impossible to understand until you're the one in it. My friend Ianthe told me when I was preg with Shep she nursed her daughter until age four, and at that time I was like... OMG, no. But it's just... such a part of our relationship, and it's crazy you have to assure people it's not sexual, but it's not. It's just normal. It's all normal. But I'd like to be near the end of this sweet nursing journey with him when Goldie comes.

Goldie Lucy Allers. That's the name I hope for, trying to get Pat on board! He's unsure about it. We shall see! So far everything with her looks good, and I already feel her kicking! I'm taking care of us by practicing yoga, meditating, eating as healthy as I can, running pretty slowly, walking, and snowshoeing. I never knew snowshoeing with Shep in a carrier was such an intense workout. But it's like the hardest things I've ever done in my life LOL. I'm about to go out and do it, and I dread it. But the feeling when I'm done, back in the house stretching, is just euphoria! 

I think the only food I crave is soft cheese. Like creamy, liquidy, French cheeses. I could eat them all day. Then I remembered you're not supposed to eat soft cheese. Hmmmm... now I just heat them in the oven on bread. So good. I also enjoy coffee. And citrus. I don't like most vegetables or meats.

I'm really excited to get to the beloved second trimester, which has already started. But I'm still not quite there physically. I think in a week or so I'll have more energy and appetite. Overall I feel so blessed to be doing this again, probably for the last time. I've never really felt old until now. Fertility is such a small window, especially these days when we don't want to get pregnant until after our careers have begun and have had time with our partners. It's definitely harder on the body as you age. I don't think I'd want to attempt this at 40. I'll update in a few weeks! Much love!
 

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