time to vent.
Monday, July 30, 2012
playing a little bansuri makes me feel good!
oh phew, july is almost over. all the shit is behind us now. at least that's what we keep telling ourselves when we get a little sulky.
i really don't like posting blogs that are anything less than positive, but let's face it, life can't and isn't always good all the time. if it was i suppose i'd be very lazy and uninspired. i'm not saying i'm not extremely lucky to have been born at this very right time with all the opportunities i've had. i am beyond grateful. just venting a bit here...
july sucked. crashing our car, financing a new car, frustrations with not having a website yet (no one can finish a site for me so i'm building it myself), adjusting to living in a new place far away from what has been so familiar, and finding out liam may be going blind... pretty much a year's worth of troubles all jam packed in an awesome month's time! ha!
another thing i've been irritated with is yoga. yep. yoga. i really hope what i'm about to say doesn't sound condescending or mean, but sometimes i am just SO embarrassed by the mainstream "yoga community". in a way, to me, yoga looks like a cult, like a club where judgmental people can hide behind their sanskrit and their health foods. i used to have a subscription to yoga journal, but i kinda faded away from it. i liked to read it and see what all the yoga people are doing, what they're wearing, what advertisements they're being exposed to. but besides that, i never found or read anything that truly encouraged me to think differently. to be honest, i find the pages of yoga journal to be just bleh and banal... like, didn't i read this same article 5 years ago? and the brands in the YJ storefront page- umm, these fashions haven't changed in 15 years!! and who really looks good in wide leg flood pants?! i'm thinking though, perhaps i'm not the target audience. it seems more like YJ is written for 50+ year old rich white women. (i just checked their stats page, yep 38% of readers are from households that makes more than $100 k per year!)
the clothing on the cover this month, don't get me started!! the woman on the august 2012 cover is wearing zobha brand. zobha manufactures their clothing in china. i emailed them to ask about it, because it says nowhere on their site where the garments are made. lots of info on charities (awesome), but nothing about how they're getting their clothing to you. when a business doesn't proudly say "made in USA!", their stuff is not made in the USA. zobha wrote me back and said they manufacture in asia. a nice way to say, china. ugh. it embarrasses me to see a white girl, like me, hands in prayer, surrounded by the words 'learn to meditate' and 'relieve anxiety' while wearing clothing made in a sweatshop. made by women who have no other way to live than to work 18 hours a day in poorly ventilated factories making about 10 cents an hour. there is something deeply deeply disturbing about this to me. not just because i find this brand to be my competition, but because it makes yoga journal look like a fake, and this puts a really hypocritical light on yoga. but maybe people just don't care about where their clothing is made. then again, the readers of YJ are supposed to be YOGIS- people that are aware of human suffering and live to make a positive difference on the lives of others. what i see in the pages of YJ is typically western: superficial and materialistic, yet shallowly elevated and floating on the guise of eastern spirituality. a facade that has become so trendy these days.
however, i am empathetic. truly. i've been there. when i first got into yoga and meditation in college (shallowly, for sure. for show and ego, yes.), i found a lot of comfort and stability in hinduism and yoga. i felt like a better person for chanting esoteric sanskrit, buying lots of hindu and spirituality books, and practicing my asana in front of a mirror. i thought, i can be beautiful, holy, intelligent, and enlightened with this stuff. i can transcend basic humanity and find who i really am. yet, as i've grown older and continued exploring knowledge and experience, i've been brought back down to earth. to me now, there is something so much better, so much more humiliating to think, i am an animal born as a speck in this universe. yes, my life has meaning, but i will not be remembered in the grand scheme of time. i am no better or worse than anyone, and my yoga practice (as well as everyone else's) doesn't "enlighten" me or make me more than a mere human. i do the best i can to love, grow, accept, and hopefully make a happy difference in small moment's of other's lives. i am imperfect, and i'll sadly admit, like anyone else, shallow at times.
my yoga doesn't make me better than you if you don't practice yoga. saying these words, i'm always brought to that controversial question- what is yoga? is it exercise, meditation, good health, devotion, awareness? am i really practicing "yoga"? let's say yoga is meditation. so running, playing music, studying, painting, working construction, bartending, eating dinner, really anything can be yoga if you are aware and breathing, correct? so what's with the postures? why are we all working so hard to get into handstand if yoga is being in the moment? ok, let's say yoga is exercise. i can most definitely agree stretching and exercise are good for the body and brain. yesterday i felt like my mind was racing and my lower back hurt, so i did 30 minutes of yoga (stretching, moving, breathing) and felt completely refreshed and renewed after. if yoga is moving the body and breathing with awareness, why do we need all the hindu connotations and the enlightenment crap? why does yoga have SO much baggage and responsibility?
yoga is definitely a complicated subject without a clear definition. i love my daily practice of slowing down and breathing, stretching and strengthening my body. but i don't love how many people feel that yoga has to be a certain thing in order for it to be yoga. yoga in america is an entirely different species than yoga in india. it's evolved to become its own entity, for better or worse. it looks like gymnastics in the pictures of yoga journal, but acts like religion in the articles of yoga journal. an expensive religion too. where you need lots of clothing made in china, a juicer, loads of dietary supplements, toe separating flip flops, to go on a yoga retreat in the bahamas, to go see some swami "on tour" in america this fall for $2500, and you must, MUST, make the pilgrimage to mecca (a yoga journal conference).
i've always felt a little bad when people ask me "where do you practice yoga?" and i say, "at home". like there's something wrong with me that i don't want to join the herd or go to yoga works. i shouldn't feel bad about this. my home practice is my favorite. being alone, breathing, listening to my body, that's where it's at for me. i'm totally NOT saying yoga classes are bad, at all!!!!!! most yoga classes are spectacular, and coming together with like minded people is so beneficial. in fact, right now i feel due for a yoga class with people. sometimes you really need a yoga guide to bring you back to why you love yoga so much. but i'm not the kind of person that needs a class in order to practice. but oh geez, my yoga teacher friends, i love you.
what all these thoughts and frustrations bring me to in terms of my business is, i've got to make a positive impact on all parties involved in purusha. i am merely human, but with this conscious brain the least i can do is make conscious informed compassionate decisions. businesses change the world, this is why i've wanted to be a business owner all my life. there needs to be a new standard in fashion, where the ugliness of the factories are exposed to the buyer purchasing the beautiful clothing. and ESPECIALLY this must be true in yoga clothing. i honestly don't know how one could run a yoga clothing brand, like lululemon, zobha, lucy, marika, and manufacture in china. this is the most contradicting thing- creating clothing at the expense of human decency and compassion, for people to wear while meditating on kindness and the ease of suffering for all beings. oh man, seriously?! friends, i urge you, not just because these brands are considered competition to me, but because of basic morality, not to buy clothing for yoga made in china. it's just plain wrong. or at least don't wear those garments to yoga... wear them dumpster diving or something.. i dunno.
my path is now becoming even more clearly defined. so beautiful. more than ever i dream of running a happy business, where the brand's factory is attached to the store, and customers can meet who makes what they're wearing. and yoga isn't just for the wealthy, spiritual elite. can you imagine?! i can!
thank you for sharing in my thoughts. today, i look forward to a new month of non-suckiness. xo.
new clothes coming to my shop! plus some end of summer sale stuff too!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
how are you? good morning! today is such a beautiful day in topanga!
over the next few days and weeks i'm going to be listing more sale items and (FINALLY!) some new designs for fall and winter!! sooo fun! creating new looks is my favorite thing about my business, for sure :)
the pants above are on sale in my shop today: https://www.etsy.com/listing/105331721/sale-monterey-sunshine-yoga-pants-size-s
and this is a new tank in my shop- the silver lotus mint green tank! : https://www.etsy.com/listing/105330768/silver-lotus-mint-green-tank-top-size-xs
and this is a one of a kind tank, only one size S, M, and L ever made! : https://www.etsy.com/listing/105331283/sale-one-of-a-kind-california-stripes?ref=v1_other_1
this weekend and next week more sale and more new items to come!
from the darkness.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
my mom sent me this yesterday, and it really touched my heart. liam is a happy boy always, and we can't worry about what may or may not come. there is always something beautiful that can come out of the struggle.
When we are in the dark
In the famous lace shops of Brussels, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns. These rooms are altogether darkened, save for a light from one very small window, which falls directly upon the pattern. There is only one spinner in the room, and he sits where the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving.
"Thus," we are told by the guide, "do we secure our choicest products. Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light."
May it not be the same with us in our weaving? Sometimes it is very dark. We cannot understand what we are doing. We do not see the web we are weaving. We are not able to discover any beauty, any possible good in our experience. Yet if we are faithful and fail not and faint not, we shall some day know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days when it was so dark.
If you are in the deep shadows because of some strange, mysterious providence, do not be afraid. Simply go on in faith and love, never doubting. Good is watching, and the universe will bring good and beauty out of all your pain and tears. Be at peace as lasting joy is being created while in the dark. --J. H. Miller
i love liam.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
we got not the best news yesterday from the doggie opthamologist. after some funny and some scary tests on liam's eyes we learned liam has progressive retinal atrophy. this was what i suspected, but really almost didn't want to go to the eye doctor and have him confirm it. i was hoping so hard liam just had cataracts and we could get surgery, but i was trying not to make any predictions.
progressive retinal atrophy, or PRA, is a hereditary disease that slowly atrophies the neural retinal structures, beginning with vision loss at night and culminating in full blindness. it makes more sense now that liam has so many little fears; he's become more submissive around other dogs, has a hard time hopping in the car, can't lay on his back, can't look up. liam has had difficulty seeing at night for the past few years, and more recently he's been tripping over things and having trouble finding a stick when we throw it in the ocean.
at the opthamologist liam had to wear some goggles that covered one eye at a time and walk around these heavy suitcases. he did ok with that, while his left eye was a little worse than the right. then we went into a dark room and tried to have liam make his way again around some heavy suitcases. he couldn't do it at all :( . he looked scared and was wondering why we weren't helping him in the dark. next the doctor and assistants put liam on a table (liam trembled as the table moved up and he had to lay on it!) and they put some papers in his eyelids (i don't really know what they were doing), drops in, and then some sort of substance that allowed us to see liam's eyes on the TV when they shined a light into them. it was weird to see liam's eyes so close up, and i was beginning to get really nervous and sweaty. patrick took my hand and i know we were just hoping for the best and wanted this all to be over.
the vet techs left the room and the doctor told us the news. i kinda knew it was coming, but i still felt shock to hear him speak the words that liam will most likely go blind. and there is no treatment. ouch. liam, meanwhile, was just happy to be off the table and wanted some cookies.
i've been feeling really sad and teary since yesterday, and have just been holding liam really close. we took him to the beach right after the appointment and threw a ball in the ocean. we felt really grateful that though liam has trouble finding a ball, he does find it, and still has some vision left. the doctor said he most likely can't see at all at night and in dim lighting, but still has some central vision in his eyes during the day. so we are really celebrating that for now liam can still see. i'm going to cherish our moments together more than ever.
this is rough on us, but we keep trying to hold this all in perspective. the disease won't hurt liam, it's painless, it's not cancer, he's not going to die. and with all the pain and cruelty that goes on in the world everyday, we, and liam, truly are lucky. we have so much love between us all, and that's all we need.
but then my mind wanders from time to time, and i just cry at the thought of our puppy boy not being able to see my face, to wag his tale when he sees me smiling at him, to not be able to see his prized big bone, to not be able to run free in the canyon, to not be able to look out the window at the sun, or see the beauty of a new running trail. i know liam will still feel happy and will adapt to whatever happens, i just love him so much and want him to have the best life possible.
so what we are going to do will be the best we can do. PRA is still a disease that it slightly unpredictable,and research is going on to find a cure. perhaps in liam's lifetime some advancements in stem cell studies will allow us to heal liam's eyes. some dogs with PRA never go 100% blind, and some don't go fully blind for many years. we have to believe liam will be one of those dogs.
after the doctor's yesterday we headed to whole foods and stocked up on good stuff for our boy- vitamin E, vitamin A, lutein, goji berry powder, and lots of kale, carrots, celery for fresh juices. as a lot of you know, liam doesn't eat dogfood. he eats what we eat, and has been for about 4 years. so i hope this already gives liam an advantage. eating fresh, organic, real foods over dried up processed dead kibble has gotta count for something towards healing. everyday liam has a smoothie or fruit or juice for breakfast, kale salad and fish or legumes or pasta or pizza or whatever we end of having for dinner, plus usually something small for lunch. patrick keeps saying if any dog can combat PRA, it's liam.
i do realize this is a genetic disease, but there have been studies showing people fighting those kinds of diseases with a good diet and exercise. alzheimer's is hereditary, but if you lead a life that is active and healthy, there's a good chance you won't get alzheimer's. so we will just wait and see. and in the meantime, we will continue running and hiking everyday, eating healthy, and keeping positive. we're all going to eat even healthier now after this, why not?
i'm going to go now and take my angel puppy guy on a run and treasure every moment of it. today, liam can see, and that is the ultimate gift worth all my joy and gratitude.
taking back my time.
Monday, July 23, 2012
i feel pretty good this morning, hehe better than my last post. ;) so that's good!
patrick and i had a nice talk this weekend about taking enough time for ourselves. let's be honest here, we all have our little addictions. and i will admit one of my addictions is to technology and the internet. in a way, to me, reaching for my iphone first thing in the morning to check FB and my email is kinda equivalent to an obese person waking up and heading to the kitchen for a cookie. why start the day in such a dumb pattern?
last week was really good to take a break from the internet, but i've still definitely been craving knowing what's "going on" (and by going on i mean- checking photos of old friends getting married/having babies/going on adventures, yoga people doing cool poses in photos, a few political news sources (not bad!), what kind of juice/healthy food people are eating, etc etc)... so yeah, not really stuff i need to know AT ALL! i totally and fully realize it takes months, years to settle into a new habit, but i feel really ready to live differently, less "plugged in" all the time. i know it hurts my creativity and my peace of mind to spend a lot of time surfing the web, but i do need to find a healthy balance because purusha people of course needs an internet presence. so like anything else, i just need to find that moderation and then i will know what's right for me. patience and trust in myself is key here, and i am prepared to wait and believe i'm doing what's right for me.
this week i continue on with my goals from last week, plus adding in little details to highlight what i want. when i wake up i head right for my meditation cushion or yoga mat before the day sweeps me up. the first moments of awakening are SO precious and set the tone for your entire day. just breathing deep, slowing down, and reminding yourself of who you truly are is not a luxury, it's a necessity to live a happy calm life.
today we bring liam to the opthamologist, and this morning thinking about that, i almost felt a little sick with worry. liam has been slowly loosing his vision over the last few years, and i am afraid to know his prognosis. i realize knowing what's going on won't change anything, but i am just so terrified to hear there's a chance he'll go fully blind. it's kinda like i don't wanna know, you know? so then this morning, i thought, i can't think this way. i put my hands in prayer and brought my thumb tips to the center of my eyebrows and pressed gently into my face... and thought... gratitude. gratitude. liam is alive and healthy, everyone i love is alive and healthy. i have a job i love, a beautiful safe place to live, and brilliant opportunities on the horizon. things are GOOD, there is always something good to look to. and in the midst of this whole shooting in CO this weekend, i am putting into perspective how holy every peaceful day is. i am so lucky right now.
this week too i'm working on new purusha designs!! my favorite thing to do. i'm looking forward to fall/winter fashions and playing around with some new ideas.
now i am off to take sweet liam out on a run. wish us luck at the eye doctor! love you. xo
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
we have been having a rough month over here. i haven't been talking about it too much because i thought if i ignored it, it would just go away. but seriously, it's just one thing after another.
i'm disgusted. ha, i keep saying that this morning. patrick is making fun of me for this, i was on the brink of tears. we found a bark scorpion in our house, looked just like the guy above. it was soooo scary!!!!!!! he was hiding in some fabric i had picked up off the floor! bark scorpions have killed people, and the stings are compared to being stabbed with a knife! we caught it in a glass and slid paper under it and watched as it tried to sting pat's hand through the glass. AH!!!!! trembling (that's me) we carried the glass and paper outside together and dumped the guy outside. to wikipedia we went and researched scorpions, found they eat all the insects that we just kinda were letting hang in our house (spiders and moths mostly). i had made peace with the spiders, but now we think they gotta go. we can't have scorpions coming in the house, no way.
so we decided today to put screens on the windows, clean the whole house immaculately, and get some diatomaceous earth to sprinkle outside the house. ok, a lot of work, but we can't share our house with scorpions!
we have fruit flies. the trash we bought has a flip lid that doesn't close all the way, so fruit flies find a way to the fruit remains after we eat. i kinda was annoyed with the little girls, but just let 'em live in the trash. didn't really think about how they are food for other insects, luring more spiders and scorpions in the house. after freaking out about the scorpion, i opened up a cantaloupe and took the lid off the trash to throw out the seeds. in the trash, coming out the trash was larvae!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ewwwwwww.. this disgusts me more than anything else. little fat worms. ugh, i'm going to throw up. i cried, no joke. had to have patrick come in and take care of them. it's too much. their fat little wiggling bodies, puke. and it gets grosser. pat's like we should kill them, and i'm like just collect them and bring them to the trash outside. so patrick kills them by POPPING THEM. wtf?! with tissues he's pushing down on them and popping them and you can HEAR IT. yes, sounds were coming from their death of popping. i had to step outside and mope around, just repeating 'i am disgusted'. then on the way to the trash outside to throw out the cantaloupe bits, so distraught, my ankle buckled and i fell down some stairs. leading to more pathetic pouts from me, 'what's wrong with me?!'
i'm trying to eat a bagel as i type this and seriously, i can't. just feeling a gag reflex from this whole morning. you guys, we are not dirty people. why are there so many critters??? today patrick, liam, and i are getting serious, SO serious, about cleanliness. but it's tough when i keep some purusha supplies on the floor, the perfect little crevices for these little ass holes to hide. ughhhhhh.
other shit form the past month- we don't have a car anymore (crashed it, we are fine, i don't need to say more), no one will give us an auto loan, liam is going to the opthamologist next week to have his eyes looked at because he definitely has vision loss and i almost don't want to know how bad it is/what will happen in the future, patrick broke his toe (you know how people just say they broke something, and it's not really broken? no this time.) pat's whole foot is blue and his pinky toe is pointing away from his body. we don't have health insurance (for now!), so we just taped the pinky to the toe next to it and are hoping for the best.
so yay. good times. it can only get better from here, right?..... right? ;)
Monday, July 16, 2012
today is such a beautiful day in topanga. it's unreal!!! sunny, 72 degrees, little wind... i feel totally refreshed after the hot week we had last week.
i've decided every sunday i'm going to make 5 goals and work on making them happen that very week! it's gonna be fun!
so this week:
1. early to bed, early to rise.
man, this one is TOUGH for me. i wake up right now around 7:30, but i'd like it to be earlier. i just have such a hard time stopping working in the evenings that i end up going to bed later and then i need to sleep a little longer. so this week i'm going to be more strict with that.
2. take a yoga class with my friend noelle beaugureau in sherman oaks!!
this one is a breeze, a pleasure, an honor. i can't wait!
3. work on getting the ball rolling in manufacturing purusha in LA.
i am beyond ready to see my business expand!!! let's do this!
4. eat smaller portions more frequently during the day.
i find myself eating monsterous amounts 2-3 times a day, like enough to feed a 200 lb man. not good on the metabolism, i know.
and 5. less time on facebook.
we all know it, facebook is a time sucker and waster. i know i enjoy it to find news and see what people are doing, but i've never really gotten off FB feeling better/wiser than before i got on. rather i feel drained, jealous, frustrated. i've even heard of studies where FB is compared to heroin to those that are "addicted". i kinda gotta admit, i have an addiction here. this goal will be really easy though because i just signed up with a website called coldturkey. coldturkey blocks you from going on sites for a certain amount of time. ha, silly (brilliant?!) me, i downloaded the program and set up 7 days of service to block myself from twitter and FB. i thought what would happen is i would have an allotted amount of time on the sites per day and then get kicked off. wrong. i can't go on. at all. sites won't open. ok, i thought, i'll just uninstall the program! my bad! i can't stay off completely for a week! guess what? tried to uninstall. can't. until the program is done running in one week. i kinda panicked for a moment. patrick laughed and laughed at me. then i started laughing too. this is great. this is what i need. so i won't be on FB this week on my computer. patrick will let me use his computer for FB for business purposes only. oh boy, guys, i want to know what you're up to on FB. ahhh!!! haha. ok this will be so healthy.
those are my goals. pretty sweet eh?
have a happy day! xoxoxo.
don't over think it.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
lately patrick and i have been talking about the importance of just doing stuff without over analyzing. i suppose that's the same thing as being aware and in the moment, just a different way of looking at it. when you know what you have to do, just friggin do it, right?! why over think the before and after? those moments don't even exist. if you do over think, you risk the chance of missing out on an opportunity that might never come around again. so just go with it. trust. your instincts don't lie (usually!), and it's so empowering to know you can accomplish anything without those unnecessary thoughts creeping in giving you doubt.
today, i'm not thinking about what's coming next. i'm only feeling what's here right now: my breath awakening my body, my fingers typing, soft light on my face coming through the window. and it's so beautiful.
what i submitted to mission small business.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
so as most of you know, the past few weeks i was scrambling to get votes for this grant for $250 k! i found out about the contest a little late, and couldn't get the 250 votes to qualify to be judged by the deadline. kinda a bummer, but i totally trust there are so many other opportunities out there for purusha! so no worries!
it was, though, super fun and interesting to submit an application that asked a lot of questions i hadn't really thought about in depth. i mean, i've never really thought, what could i do with $250,000 right now?! so yeah, i liked answering the questions and it got me thinking hard about what i envision purusha people to become.
it's kinda long, but i thought i'd share my application with you. it's also helpful for me to look to this as time moves forward, and to consult it now and then as my business grows and changes. so here it is!
time with the family.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
i sure love these people. my mom, dad, sister, liam, and patrick. they make my world! my parents are visiting from CT this week, and it is just SO nice to spend time with everybody. i keep stopping and taking deep breaths and spending time on thoughts of thankfulness. what a blessing in this moment that we are all together, safe, healthy, and happy. everything changes all the time, this is the only thing we can be sure of. so my gratitude for this time is majorly abundant. aah. i hope time slows down for a few days. this is so nice.
the practice changes.
Monday, July 2, 2012
yesterday patrick, liam, and i hiked our awesome trail. the lighting was so magical, so i asked pat to snap some photos of me doing a few poses. hmmm.. i thought... which asana to do... i'll try flying pigeon! always impressive looking and i haven't done it in a while.
i tried it. couldn't do it. OH WELL.
this is my yoga practice right now. when i could do flying pigeon, one legged crow, grasshopper, i wasn't a better person or anything like that. yeah, those postures made for pretty pictures, and they were fun to do, but right now i feel like i don't need to do them to experience yoga.
i love yoga because it is such a journey. for a while i really wanted to get "good" and just nail all the asanas. recently, difficult poses don't mean a thing to me. i just want to feel GOOD. that's it. i want to feel my breath moving peacefully through my body, feel my sides and hips opening after some nice stretches, feel my abs and arms working in plank and dolphin, and most of all feel like i'm practicing for reasons that make sense for my life right now. i want to be a success at being hayley; and that encompasses loving the people i choose to spend time with, appreciating peace in this moment, growing my business, and facing my silly fears each day. my yoga on an off the mat need to reflect my aim, and right now i believe it really does. and i'm happy i don't care that i'm not as "good" at yoga as i was a year ago, because in fact i am becoming better than good at yoga. yoga is becoming me.