watch yo'self!

so sunday i gave myself a little challenge- to only think positive thoughts for the entire day.  it was actually easier than i was expecting, and even more fun than i'd hoped!

the secret is, really to just watch yourself like you would your newborn child.  except your child is your mind, and you are the observer, the mother or father, of your mind's thoughts.  i know this is in no way a new concept, and meditation is thousands of years old; but once it is applied to your life, it really becomes a novel concept and a form of rebirth.

saturday night i gave myself a counseling session.  i wrote out my thoughts and fears in my journal, with my higher mind watching and questioning.  i questioned every little worry, each thought that frequents my head, writing down every question and answer.  i broke it down to see what thoughts really patronize me, and bring me into negativity.  and like most truths, it was painfully simple.  i'd allowed my brain to wire itself into habitual modes of thinking, without questioning if the thoughts were helping or hurting.

monitoring my thoughts is a new habit in itself that i need to cultivate.  habits don't have to be bad things.  i can use my habits, and addictions in a way, to be used for good.  i can become addicted to thinking positive, to dwelling on thoughts of promise and optimism.

on sunday  i caught myself at least 25X with a sinking feeling.  there were definitely more times than that i was negative, but those were the ones my observing brain witnessed.  it was quite easy to change the thought pattern once i recognized my feelings of discomfort.

for example, i'd be screen printing, doing yoga, or making breakfast, and suddenly feel sad and anxious.  stopping myself in my tracks right when the gloom came in, i saw that it stemmed from a single negative thought.  the thought would be typically this: worry about the future.  i don't have enough $ to make it, my business is not where i want it to be yet, i am afraid of the complications that may arise if i am successful, how will i act when such and such happens, what if someone i love dies again, i'm dreading cleaning the kitchen, i'm dreading this confrontation with whomever, etc, etc, etc.  why so much worry about something that hasn't happened??

'WHY NOT THINK POSITIVE?'  i wrote in large letters in my journal.  i've let the fear, the nothing, get the best of me.  like a virus, negativity thrives and replicates in an environment that supports it.  i don't buy junk food, why would i buy junk thoughts?????  i work so hard in my daily life to watch what i eat, how i exercise; all the while the gates to my mind were left completely open for any thoughts to enter.  i'm sad to see that these gates have been left open for most years of my life.  i've lived in fear because my brain has allowed itself to become wired to certain negative thoughts.

the amazing and heart breakingly beautiful truth is, we are all capable of changing these thoughts at any point in our lives.  once we decide to be diligent and discipline our brains, we can become whoever we want.  replace 'i am dreading dealing with talking to so and so', with 'i will figure it out when the time comes, and breathe and be calm for now' or 'the confrontation with him will go well and will be very constructive for my growth'.  life all of a sudden becomes easy and effortless.  no, not "good" and "happy" at all times of course, but without struggle and resistance.

during my therapy session with myself, i wondered why would i not want to be joyful, the result of thinking positive?  i found deep within myself, that i had built up a fear of enjoying my life to have my joy taken from me when something bad happens.  i told myself i would rather be melancholy, so that when the bad comes around again it won't hurt as much.  i'd hardwired this concept into my brain subconsciously since my older sister lucy died in 1997, i've been living with this fear for half of my life.  much of this fear also resulted from religion- from the guilt and shame i interpreted from it.

i am still uncovering this truth, and i know i will always be on the journey.  there is no final peak, only little look outs along the way amidst the valleys and the hills.  i'd much rather live with much joy and a little pain here and there than little pieces of joy overshadowed by large storm clouds of fear.

i knew when i challenged myself to only think positive for one day, that i would be hooked and want to think positive for a lifetime.  change is tough though, and you have to be ready for it, deciding for yourself that the time is now.  of course the simplest things sometimes are so difficult, but sometimes they are very easy.   i am going to keep moving with that ease, and never stop fighting for my mind.  i will never stop growing, i can feel the circuits in my mind changing as i write these words.

i don't want to return to the negative thoughts again, and the beautiful news is that i don't have to!  i can close the door in my mind to the fears, and instead open all the windows to the sunlight and fresh air that resides in my positive resolve.

i am taking back my mind!  won't you join me?!

'damn right i love the life i live, cause i went from negative to positive.'- notorious big