monday meditation.


"as we willingly enter each place of fear, each place of deficiency and insecurity in ourselves, we will discover that its walls are made of untruths, of old images of ourselves, of ancient fears, of false ideas of what is pure and what is not."
~jack kornfield

my man keeps me laughing, that's for sure!

(i call these pants his teddy bear pants- aww!)

good evening my loves!


the past week has had me thinking a lot about my thoughts- especially the fears and limitations i tell myself on a daily basis.


i have come so far in the awareness of my mind, but ah ha, i can't forget that life is a journey indeed.  i will never reach that point where i am done growing and there's just nothing more to learn.  i am still an infant in the scheme of time, and i still have little demons that haunt me when i'm feeling low. 


luckily, i have time and my own consciousness of my side.  i have the time to look through the cobwebs of my thoughts and decide which thoughts are helping and true, and which thoughts are harmful and old misconceptions about myself.  


this is not easy by any means.  slowing down and watching for what just snapped me into a fearful mood?!  this is tough!!  it requires my full attention, my utmost patience, and my entire body and mind to sync up.


my brain still has some swapped wires, and some wires that just shouldn't be there at all.  i've written about this fearful thought topic before; and i honestly thought my fear had left me, but it still comes up at times when i feel weak and vulnerable.  


i am really lucky i have a good support system.  i am so thankful for my friends and loves.  they are what help me to expose myself, to show what i think is ugly about myself so i can get to the root of the problem.


this past weekend was patrick's birthday, and i just wanted to share with you how being in a relationship, and having friendships is so freakin' awesome.  yes, relationships are work and never ever perfect, but good things require work of course.

hehe i made patrick 26 carrot cake mini cupcakes on his day!

we were laughing because he was like, 'you made them mini so we could eat a bunch and not feel like we ate a lot of cake!'

a loving accepting mate or friend helps me to reveal my biggest fears, the dumb things i tell myself about myself, the thoughts that clutter my mind one hundred times a day, my biggest secrets i wouldn't tell anyone for fear of being rejected.  once these little gremlins surface, i can find the eggs they sprout from... they are from the simplest yet most difficult places- from the daily mantras i speak to my heart, and have been speaking for the past 28 years.

i think about a lot of stuff on the daily, and i feel like 50% of those thoughts are sweet- planning for my future, being in the moment and breathing, imagining art and purusha ideas, enjoying my love for people and the earth. 


but i still obviously have plenty of work to do because 50% of my thoughts are toxic- worrying if i will be accepted or loved, doubting my ability to lead, worrying someone i love will die, dreading work. i want to feel 100% good, and right now i should!  i have a beautiful life and so much ahead of me, and i know i will feel best if my thoughts are accounted for.  


another thing patrick reminded me of is this- my negative thoughts are LIES and cruel to tell myself.  pat compared these negative thoughts to cutting myself- they are that destructive to my being.  would i ever tell someone else they are ugly, or not good enough, or lazy? NEVER- so why would i say this to myself??  mental abuse is powerful powerful stuff that i didn't even realize was effecting me so much.


so really, i suppose the point of this post is, to let your guard down with people you love and you won't have to ever face fear all alone.  don't be afraid to be honest and real, and express your thoughts to someone, no matter how untrue or ridiculous those thoughts are!  we are all here to support each other and to be the optimist when the other can only see pessimism.  we have so much power to affect each other in a loving and accepting way.  i really believe this is why we are here, and have conscious minds and relationships with other conscious minds- to realize the potential of our own love to change the world. 


by looking into my weaknesses, into the triggers that upset me, i am finding healing through self love.  we really must fight back with love.  when a negative thought arises, i am saying NO!  no, you cannot take away this love i have for myself and for this moment, and i refuse to let you color my reality. 


what would my life be like if i didn't have a thought of fear, or distress, or worry, or dread?  probably pretty fucking good, and i am positive i'd like to find out!


i thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support.  i need all the love i can get <3 thank you so much for being courageous beings and sharing your love with me.  namaste.