so i said i wasn't going to get personal anymore.  breaking my own rules, that's what i do.  my new rule is; i write when i want, how i want, and if i have time.  

i used to love writing in my journal every night before bed.  it was my ritual, to settle my thoughts for the day, and to have a record of they way i thought so i could watch myself evolve.

i miss this.  i miss writing, i miss talking to someone, or no one.  so i'm going to write and share myself with anyone that will read.  

last night i had crazy dreams, as usual.

i dreamt that my sister kate died in a car crash.  i must have drawn this dream from my real life experience of my other sister lucy dying in a car accident about 14 years ago now.  it was the worst feeling i've ever experienced, both in the dream and in real life.

i had trouble sleeping last night- i woke up early (or late) and tossed and turned a bit.  so i dreamt that i was in bed and couldn't sleep.  i woke up patrick and he was like, 'let's not sleep then, let's eat some pasta.'  so we made pasta and brought it to bed and watched the sun come up (confusing to me, but still a dream).  my phone rang, and it was a number i'd never seen before so i didn't pick up.  then pat's phone rang and someone left a voice mail.  we listened to it on speaker and it was my dad crying.  when my dad cries, that's when i know shit is bad.  he told us kate died in a car crash that morning.

that moment, i relived and re-experienced the worst pain i've known in my life.  death sucks, all of a sudden any softness of living is gone.  it's all hard, rocks everywhere, and the biggest rock of all has been thrown at your heart.  you can't breathe for a second; and there's no erasing, no saying sorry or trying again.  it's final, and all you can do is bare it and fight for survival.  you know everything will change, and life will grow harder before the softness shows itself again.  

i texted with kate tonight, so i know she's ok.  but for a few minutes this morning i was frozen in shock- really?  i'm an only child?  another car accident?  no more sisters?  i won't get to hear my funny lil sis's laugh ever again? 

like there is no feeling like losing a loved one, there is no feeling like awaking from a bad dream to realize, it was only a dream.  why must i fall for my dreams 99% of the time?  i wish i could learn to differentiate dreams from reality.... but then i suppose i wouldn't have a good sleep?

cliche as it is, there is no life without death.  i'm sorry that i've had to experience the death of someone so close to me, yet i am lucky to have experienced the full depth of what life can hand us.  we are so fragile, and everything can change in an instant.  we don't have all the time in the world, and everything is possible.  

more than ever, i want to share my heart with people i love.  so what if i cry and tremble when i talk about my dreams?  life is fleeting and useless if we hide ourselves because we're afraid to show emotions.  my peepa (grandfather) used to cry all the time when he talked about things close to his heart.  i always admired that, and i long to not care if i shed a tear when i reveal my thoughts.

well it's time for me to hit the pillow again, and venture back to dreamland.  i hope tonight balances out last night and i get to fly or perform a dance on a stage or become the first woman president.  yeah, that sounds fair.  good night my loves.

photos c/o jmbarclay


  1. Hayley, I want to say something but yet I am speechless. I can't imagine what that is like to lose someone so close, a sibling, a child.
    A neighbor of mine just lost their son (22 years old) suddenly and I've been thinking about her family with such sadness in my heart. Reading your words surfaces that sadness. I sat on my chair on my patio and listened to the husband crying from across the street and felt the tears stream down my face. It's so sad.

    On a different note, I too have very vivid dreams. Many times I awake (like this morning) crying or feeling angry as if the dream is reality. I sometimes wonder if this is because of our organic creative mind and how we can see and feel before it is real. Maybe because we are creative souls we have a ability to be more sensitive, more intuitive. Maybe not.
    Maybe it's just too damn early in the a.m. and I'm not making sense. Either way my heart hurts for your pain and loss. This is very intimate for your to share.
    Thinking of you this morning with love

  2. Hayley, oddly enough, I was just thinking about your older sister the other day... You know, not that having people we love be removed from us is ever a thing we wish for or want, but I truly think that it has helped create the incredibly open and loving and passionate person that you are today. And because of that, I bet you never take Kate for granted, and that is something that most siblings (or family members) don't have. Cherish it. I'm sorry your dream was so sad. Bad dreams suck. There is this book by Carlos Castenada (sp?) called the Art of Dreaming. You should read it, sometime.

    <3 Amanda

  3. hayley, i hope you woke up from a pleasant dream and the day greets you with it's warm embrace. i'm so sorry you lost your sister, i had no idea. the love you share in your posts of you and your sister are very apparent. it is no wonder you are so close and have such a warmth to you. there is nothing that can remove that pain of death, but in time, only time, we do pray for that softness to enter our hearts again. thank you for opening your heart for the rest of the world to know it's beautiful to be exactly who you are ... a lovely, bright shining star. in doing that, in being courageous, you make it acceptable for others to do the same. <3

  4. Love you Hayley. I hope you have a good night sleep tonight~~~~~~

  5. thank you everyone so much for the sweet and thoughtful comments. we are all surrounded with more support and love than we even realize. thank you!

    mish, you are to kind, and thank you for sharing in my thoughts :). i know, it is so sad to lose someone close, like your neighbor is going through right now. and to hear someone cry, it to makes you cry too... so it's almost comforting, i think, to know someone weeps with you and for you. we aren't alone and all share so much with the depth of our emotions. hehe you are funny- it was damn early when you wrote! wish i could wake up that early! ;) yes, that feeling and sensing with dreams seems to really connect to our instincts, to a simpler self, and maybe even to a truer self... im the same way- for a few hours after a dream i can be very much thinking and feeling as if it really happened! mish, happy we found each other. hope to meet you someday soon! xo

    amanda, as usual you offer me such great inspiration. i love carlos castenada. ive read a few of his books, but not that one. i will definitely read it! he's amazing. and thank you so much for the reminder that grief really does draw you closer to other loved ones, and yes, teaches us to not take people for granted. it's true, i love kate and my parents more than i ever have.. and i understand how precious and limited our time here is. one thing i have to do now, is make sure things are good and resolved before anyone drives somewhere! anytime i get in an argument with my family or with patrick and then they leave and drive- i call them or text to say i love them and im sorry. something good and honest and real truly does come out of pain. thanks amanda! you rock. xxx

    corey, you are so dear, and i feel lucky to know you! thank you so much for the beautiful encouraging words. yes, time is the only healer. i agree. with time everything softens. thank you for always inspiring me to be myself and to look for and share the beauty we find with the world! my dreams this week have been better- no more dreams of death.. just the usual strange things or no dreams that i remember. hope to bump into you soon lovely! xo xo

    anonymous (sheryl) love u so much. i gotta come by this weekend and take a dip! xxxx



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