photo c/o www.katieadelsberger.com
it's late. and i can't stop thinking... thinking thinking... feeling angry, weepy, joyful that people i love are safe, and coming back to disbelief that someone could set off bombs in boston to kill innocent people. i know this kind of stuff happens, like, everyday in other countries. but that doesn't make processing it any easier. patrick and i looked at some pretty gruesome photos today of the innocent beautiful people that were involved in the attack. at first i said, i can't look. but then i wanted to see, i wanted it to become real, i wanted to understand what people there were witnessing. and it was shocking. missing limbs, blood everywhere, people laying on the ground. in boston. after a marathon. it is just mind boggling that a few insecure cowardly monsters are capable of such horror. yes, i've been reading the articles that explain how rare these events are, and that most of us humans are GOOD. but i keep feeling for the man that lost his legs, for the family that lost their 8 year old son, and for all the other people hurt and their families. it's just so unfucking fair. life can be so cruel in that way. if only you'd been standing 10 feet up the road... it blows my mind how close we are to death and tragedy at all times, and our lives are balancing on mere chance... chance that we survive each day. life is such a miracle. i am not religious, so i don't mean miracle as in magical, i mean miracle as in incredibly lucky. when i was young, i had this strange awareness of my good luck. and i had an even stranger idea that this luck had to run out eventually. and it did. bad shit happens. i try my best to be positive, but sometimes i am overcome with worry. i worry a lot about people i love dying in a car crash, and now dying from a shooting or a bombing. i know worrying does absolutely nothing, but ever so often my head goes to that dark place. i'm being selfish now, just thinking of me and my life when people are going through tragedies every second of everyday. gah. this. is. life. with life comes death. i just HATE death so much. it's so... permanent. and for the rest of your life you wonder if you could have stopped it. somehow... i lay here in bed and cling to my good luck. but holding on to it is like trying to live forever. we just can't. i suppose it might help if i just let go and surrender. you can't control life. i hate the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing, but i can go with "everything happens." there is no reason an innocent person should die at a marathon, but there is no stopping life in all its forms in this moment. with it comes the good and the bad. the best i can do is root for the good, and recognize it in the everyday heroes all around me each day. and enjoy each moment of the good. good night.