a new trail.

here i am on sunday evening finishing up on orders before taking a christmas break this week. i went on the most beautiful hike today with liam. the weather today was at about the temperature when you feel just completely alive. not too hot or cold, with just the right amount of sun and wind. i drank it in, taking deep breaths and trying my best to stay present while witnessing my thoughts.

i've been taking a break from the internet. for some people it inspires them and drives them, but more often than not for me it brings me down and zaps my creativity. if i go on instagram too much or just surf blogs and pinterest i begin to feel like a zombie with low self esteem. i blindly compare myself with others and doubt who i am. i wish for more 'followers' (like anyone will remember 100 years from now how many followers you had on social media!) and get excited when i get a bunch of 'likes'. it really is quite like being a drug addict, where you need your fix every few hours of the day. i quit facebook which has helped tremendously, but obviously my pride and joy- my purusha- needs to have an internet presence.

so this is where balance and moderation comes in. for me, it's somewhat easier to quit cold turkey than to discipline myself to moderate. but it must be done, and it's being done. i post what i need to post and let go. i am noticing the urge to check my phone, and seeing i don't have to. and now that i've found i'm happier without constant internet stimulation it's getting easier to continue. you just follow your joy. my joy is not waiting for me on instagram. it's in a good book, it's in my journal, it's in a hike, it's in a cup of chamomile tea with honey and lemon, it's in a daydream. it's funny, i kinda have to revert back to the me of 2007. when i didn't have a job, lived with my parents in my childhood bedroom where i painted the walls golden orange, spent my days painting and writing poetry, listened to a lot of joni mitchell and van morrison, didn't even own a computer, and when i met my love patrick. creativity flowed boundlessly.

though i sometimes yearn for what was, i can't go back to those carefree days. and everything good appears heavenly when you're looking back at it, doesn't it? so this is now. i just want to take the best bits of me from back then and remember how it felt to be constantly inspired. i'm excited to celebrate the holidays and remember that taking a few steps back often brings you to a new trail you never noticed before.

the leader.

oh mama! i'm finally starting to catch my breath. the past 4 weeks or so have been sort of insane for me. just non-stop work. and stress. and tiredness. pretty common territory for running your own business though, don't you think?

i really had no idea that moving into our new studio space would be so complicated. buying sewing machines, hiring a new person, actually working with the people i hire (not working from our separate homes!), trying to maximize our production capacities, out sourcing our dyeing and printing, and actually becoming a BOSS... it's all so new. it's required me to stay on my toes and act fast when problems arose. i think i'm doing a decent job of it. or at least i tell myself this. you have to. pep talks and mantras like "i am powerful" and "i love to meet challenges" have become a ritual for me as i make the commute to work. i've always prided myself on being an awesome employee, that's all i've ever known. but to be an awesome boss, damn it's a trip. it's a journey to get to that head space, and to realize you have all the power. obviously not in a sick way, but in a way that makes you own it. i have to be more confrontational than i'm comfortable with, and not worry all the time about being liked and being the nicest person in the world. you just have to get the job done and be the leader.

i think the idea of becoming a leader has been the hardest part for me. making lists and plans and organizing, that's all good. but to be the foundation, the rock that supports the whole business, it's going to take a little more development than 4 weeks. i know this is just the beginning. i've been trying to channel some people i've worked for in my life that i've respected. they weren't my best friend, they made sure to correct me when i did something wrong (but didn't act like a dick about it), they complimented me when i did something right, and believed i was capable of good work. i want to be one of them. 

i think i can.