little by little.

today, this has become my mantra.

the words came to me from somewhere in my memories while on my run with my puppy boy this afternoon.

some people close to me know this; however i try to keep it hidden, even from myself.

this thing is, i can be really hard on myself.

and i won't notice it because i'm still not that great at watching my thoughts.  i know i am not alone in this way of thinking, so i am hoping my words and my thoughts will influence and bring some of us type a's together to see we don't have to live like this.

little by little, it's the only way.  nothing beautiful, brilliant, genius, or transcendent ever happens quickly.

i hate to admit it, but i am still a child in many many ways.  i'm not fully ready or capable of certain things yet because my brain literally is still developing.  this is not an excuse to not be great, i am simply always going to be a work in progress- like my blog's title 'purusha in progress'.  i won't ever be done or complete or perfect.

the type a in me wants all or nothing.  she is impatient, irritable, judgmental, and jealous.  she wants it all now, and if she can't have it perfect, well then i'm just fucked.  all my small accomplishments are ignored, and i find it harder and harder to even accomplish the small goals as they are lost in the lofty, grandiose, perfect goals of this lower self.

this honestly makes me feel sad for myself.  not like 'sorry for myself', but sad that i've allowed my self to be treated so badly.  a girl's gotta have time to grow, and to take the steps one at a time.  there's no way i will make it up the stairs of my life if i try to take them 6 at a time.

throughout many days, my automated louder self sets some pretty high standards.  up by 7 am, yoga for 1 hour at least, work, lunch, run, more work, dinner, bed.  now to some of you, this sounds like a normal day right?  i would like this to be my normal day.. but more often it looks like this: up by 9 ('cause i went to bed at 12), reading, emailing, playing on the computer for a few hours, work, lunch, run, yoga, little work, dinner, more work, hang out time, bed late.  this isn't terrible by any means, and i'm not complaining, but it is damn hard being your own boss.  i'm still learning how to train myself to find the schedule that works for me.

however, there's someone in my head that thinks they're the boss of me.  and this boss is not nice.  she doesn't see that i did wake up early today, and i did something nice for patrick, and i worked hard on purusha (even if i worked from 6-11 at night...).  if it's not according to the 'perfect' plan, well then it just sucks.  oh yeah, and she constantly compares me to other people, and will find something to be jealous of in just about ANY person.  no joke- whatever skills, height, bravery, brains, beauty i don't have, mean boss lady will dwell on it and envy it.  seriously, this silly voice will have me wishing i could sing joni mitchell like joni mitchell, break dance, study biology, be tall, foster animals, write books, be an exhibitionist, etc etc etc..........

and well, perhaps i could do all those things; but i know even if i did the crazy boss bitch would still want more, and find more talents to desire and obsess over. 

so i have to practice what i preach... to turn that voice down, and turn my own inner voice up.  the voice that is whispering 'little by little'.  and her voice sounds a little like joni mitchell.  joni, i'm listening.

slowly but surely i will become very similar to the person my type a is so aggressively seeking out at this very moment.  yet, this person will be better and even more than my ego can imagine, because this woman needs time.  time so she can accomplish things beyond anything my ego can dream.  she is being born within me, and is gently and deliberately evolving into someone so freaking beautifully beyond instant gratification.  she is kind, compassionate, funny, patient, confidant, and open.  she is like a flower bud right now, and no way can i force her open or she won't bloom.  but i see within her the mighty potential to burst into petals.

so hayley, i'm going to start taking it easy on you.  no more impatience, no more cruel words when you aren't 100% perfect.  small goals add up to big accomplishments like water drops to fill a bucket.  you'll get there, but not tonight.

little by little- this may be my next purusha t-shirt. ;)  

please make the vow with me to celebrate the small goals we meet everyday, and to turn up the beautiful soft voice in our heads that tells us we are exactly where we're supposed to be.  because we are.  and we always will be.