a different reality.

this morning i feel a little shaky.

i had a really beautiful dream last night, and this morning i haven't been able to stop thinking about it. i dreamt my sister lucy was still alive. not an unusual dream for me, i get these from time to time. typically though i dream lucy has come home from somewhere and she is still 15 years old. not in this dream. somehow, my mind created lucy to be a perfectly beautiful adult version of herself. she would be 31 years old, and that's just how she looked. in the dream i could not stop crying, i was just sobbing non-stop. but not because i was sad, because i was overjoyed to have my sister back. i kept saying 'i've been wanting a big sister SO bad. i am happy.' and i hugged her soooo hard. and touched her hair, which she had highlighted with some honey blonde in her brown hair. it was really soft. lucy told me she worked in politics, and i was impressed, but not surprised. lucy was always so smart, thought for herself, and challenged authority. then... i woke up.

damn. i cried a bit this morning and patrick held me. perhaps in another dimension somewhere, this reality is real. i kinda wish i could go there sometimes, and see what kind of person i would be. but i guess i can only visit these far off places in my dreams. it's better than nothing though, isn't it?

yesterday i wore one of lucy's old dresses, this lovely banana republic black dress that is just timeless. i slept in it too, so maybe that's why lucy came into my dream space.

i've begun my day with my head somewhere else, and sometimes, you have to. it's interesting, though painful, to think what could have been. and maybe it exists somewhere in this infinite universe. perhaps i got to view this life through my dream... or maybe dreams are just a mixture of crossed wires that don't make any sense. either way, i haven't felt a sadness like this in a while. easily teary eyed. ugh. well, it will pass.

i was telling patrick this morning, grief and pain from tragedy seem like they are forever stored in a part of your brain. they never go away, they're just pushed elsewhere, like clothing in the back of a drawer that you rediscover one day and say 'i forgot i had this'.

so deep breaths i am taking, gratitude for the love i have, i'm reflecting on.

and i'm going to go watch will ferrell on youtube. haha. aaah, life, you are a strange thing.


  1. I could use a little Will Ferrell after reading this blog post....

    I don't know what else to say but I feel ya sister. I loved that banana republic dress on Lucy and I love it on you too. I have her brown one piece pajamas, short sleeve, shorts, button down. You probably don't remember it. But it has her name on the tag (I think she did that for camp) and I sleep in it sometimes too.

    You always have such clear dreams. Thinking of you today. xoxoxo

  2. Youre an excellent writer, i love you

    - J. Depp

  3. beautiful...just beautiful. embrace it...whatever our dreams may be. i am glad you got to see lucy in your dream, and i enjoyed reading about it

  4. love to you... those dreams are hard, but in a sense, also nice to be able to touch and smell and hold for a few moments. <3

    <3 Amanda



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