today i am 30 years old. 

last night i reflected deeply on my last night in my 20's. i think numbers are funny, but in our mathematic world they sure feel like they mean something when you enter into a new decade. above all i just feel really grateful to be healthy and happy and loved. in the shower last night a song popped in my head and i sang it with all my heart! 'hard believer' by first aid kit. it's a great song in my opinion because it beautifully explains some of my ideas and lack of beliefs. when i tell people i'm an atheist, or agnostic (really the same thing to me), sometimes people are shocked. the word atheist scares people, it sure scared me when patrick first told me he didn't believe there was a god. but it's only because i grew up with a negative connotation of it. all it means is there is not enough evidence for me to believe there is a god controlling things from up there. when i was home in connecticut my dad mentioned his disapproval of atheism. we got to talking though, and what do you know, what we hold dear is about the same. i don't believe there is an afterlife, i don't want to live on forever as hayley. it's exhausting, i don't want to live forever. my dad agreed he didn't want to be steve forever either. i told my dad, i don't not believe in anything. i believe in love, i believe in you, i believe in this life. because of all this, right here and right now is absolutely everything to me. the earth and all the relationships i am beyond blessed to have are what i consider holy. you might disagree with me and that's ok. i'm sure we agree on more than we disagree on. to be able to love and accept someone with a different opinion, to me, is the most beautiful thing in the world.

so at 30 i am just swimming in complete gratitude for the holiness that surrounds me.

"i just live because i love to and that's enough for me". 
"it's one life and it's this life. and it's beautiful." - first aid kit.

{p.s. purusha's new slogan from now on is this : LIVE BECAUSE YOU LOVE TO.}


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