comfort in fear.

the past few days i've been a little fed up with myself. i've gotten to the point where i'm just really sick of feeling scared, nervous, and anxious. it doesn't feel good, obviously, so i just want it out of my life. out. it's time. not that i feel these negative emotions all the time, but they do keep me from being the complete person i know i can be.

on saturday night i went with patrick to a toastmaster's party. toastmaster's is a public speaking club that patrick belongs to. so basically my worst nightmare. ha. everyone in the group is SO so incredibly nice and welcoming, and of course they all say i must join. at first i just thought in my head 'hell no. i can't do it.' over and over again as these kind folks talked to me about how toastmaster's changed their lives. one super sweet woman that designs lingerie told me about how she hosts fashion seminars, where different designers speak on their area of expertise, and she asked me if i wanted to speak about how to start your own brand and sell online. a small part of me whispered from some dusty untapped part of my brain 'yes'. today, i've noticed that voice is getting louder. i'm seeing there's this part of me i don't really know yet, this brave and strong person that someone got punched down and silenced by the fear bully. the fear in me typically yells so loud i can't even hear anymore that's it not who i am, that it's not the only voice in my head.

maybe you have to get to this point, where you are just so freakin' tired of believing yourself to be a certain way... like 'oh, i'm so shy, i have nervous energy, i'm a meek person.' these stories just aren't holding up for me anymore, they're not working with the person i want to be. i'm just going to stop letting what scares me lead my life. i'm joining toastmaster's and we'll see what happens. no pressure, but i'm 30 years old now and kinda don't want to hold onto a belief about myself that i established when i was 14 years old, ya know? it's just lame.

so that's that. time to leave this prison of fear. i wouldn't even call it my comfort zone anymore, it's getting so uncomfortable that it feels worse to stay as i am. it's like i need to find that there's comfort in doing what's scary, because there's no better feeling than silencing the lies in your mind and doing what you know you're fully capable of doing. 30 years, it's go time. 


  1. Yeah, you go girl! Proud of you! Beautifully written post.

  2. "there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom" anais nin (your words brought this quote to my mind)

    i identify with this so much. something that i realize for myself is that i don't necessarily need to change who i am so much as what i do-- i can be shy and introverted and have nervous energy, but still have strength and speak in public well. have you seen susan cain's ted talk?

    1. hi love! oooh i adore that quote! thank you for reminding me of it! so true :)

      im totally watching that ted talk tonight. and i love the idea of not changing who you are, just realizing there are different sides to you. XO!!



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