him.

i'm feeling heartbroken. i know it could be worse, it could be better.. blah blah blah. but i just feel terribly emotional. this weekend is appears to us that liam lost quite a bit more vision. it basically happened overnight. thursday, liam and i went hiking with a friend and her dog and he was his usual slightly clumsy self, but he could manage a hike without a leash. sunday morning patrick and i noticed liam had a hard time finding where to step off the bed, which we thought was weird, but also thought maybe he was disoriented from just waking up? we took him on a hike and it was nuts. like he could barely walk the trail. and today i took liam on a run with a leash and liam couldn't keep up. he circled around and behind me, clearly confused and scared about not knowing where he was. he couldn't even find his friend adele's house like he usually can. when i called his name it took a while for his eyes to find me, if they did at all. i came home after our run and just bawled. i'm trying to be strong and keep things happy for liam, but i can't help but feel a little devastated.

so this afternoon we took liam to the opthamologist just to check why his vision decreased so rapidly, and be sure there wasn't anything besides PRA wrong. the doctor's were super kind to us, and luckily there isn't any neurological damage or anything, all they could really tell us was he has advanced degeneration in his retina. like we already know. i'm just kinda in shock at how much our baby boy has changed within only 36 hours. man, am i missing that 30% vision he once had. the doctor told us things will get easier once liam adjusts and realizes he can't see, so he'll start using his other senses more to move around... but right now i gotta say it's really really painful for me to watch. he's still trying to see.

i know liam is going to be just fine. he's still happy, though confused, it's just silly little me that's feeling pretty low. today i bought the book 'living with blind dogs'. in a way i just kinda hoped and believed that liam would never go blind. i didn't think i would have to buy a book on living with a blind dog. ouch. it hurts right now.

i had to help liam go outside this evening, putting him in this little dirt spot he lays in sometimes, and i watched as he just stayed there... and realized he was planning on staying there until i helped him out. normally we keep the front door open and liam steps outside and sits as he pleases, but today he couldn't do it without our help. that's the hardest part, seeing that he can't be independent, and go roll in the dirt or find a stick on his own.

i guess all i can do is wait for time, time will heal me. and liam's already healed. ha most of what he cares about is food! and hugs and walks.. and those things aren't going anywhere. it feels a little like mourning today... you know that feeling like it might be, hopefully could be?, a dream? speaking of dreams, i just lost it a little while ago thinking that liam can only see now in his dreams. waahhhh. my heart.

more than anything i feel just this sense of finality. there's nothing that can be done, and being sad longer than necessary doesn't do a thing. so i cry, buy a book on blind dogs, and move on. deep breaths. liam is still here with us, in no pain, and smiling. that's all that matters.