here's me.

performing is kind of like a trick, especially in yoga asana.

not that there is ever a 'performance' in yoga, but we are always working to do a pose correctly, comfortably, and beautifully.  it is satisfying to 'conquer' (probably not the most 'yogic' word!) a pose.  of course it feels really good too, in the body and in the mind, to find less struggle in something that was once challenging.

but i often wonder when i look at some exquisite photo or video of a "yoga master", how did that person get there?  what did the process look like, and how sloppy did his or her first hand stand attempt look?

we all start from some point, and for most of us in yoga, we start with very little.  we're looking to ease pain in the body, to feel more confident in our skin, to build strength and flexibility, to quiet the mind, to be more calm in life's situations.  yet we're each beginning at very different starting lines.

i danced for about 2 years in my life and did gymnastics when i was very little.  i figure skated for about 3 years, and always tried to be active and somewhat healthy (with the exception of a couple off years in college- lol).  i've always been flexible with forward bending, yet my back is not bendy and my hips are not super open.

spiritually- i was raised christian, questioned it in college, tried out hinduism/buddhism religious philosophies, questioned them after college, and am now arriving to the point where the only thing i believe in is positive thinking and benevolence to life in general.  i don't believe there is any god watching out for us, yet i treasure life more because of that.  there is nothing waiting for me on the otherside- this is it!  life is the ultimate gift and i've been lucky enough to be born where and when i am.

i meditated, but didn't really know what i was doing, when i went to my kind therapist after my sister lucy died.  i learned how to go up an elevator in my mind and come out in a field with a big sign that said 'i love you.', under a mountain where a tree was growing that i planted.  i couldn't quite remember to go there when i needed to, when i was scared, but i did practice it in my dr.'s office.  i'm still working on the meditation, and i know it is like 50% of yoga, at least for me.  it doesn't come easily and for some reason my busy mind often resists it hard.

so this is where i came from and this is where i am, in a yoga sense.  i'm practicing everyday with my meditation and my asana.

neither is where i picture them to be someday, but what is someday anyways right?  someday is not today, and today is all i have.

i wasn't too psyched about these videos because they aren't "perfect"; but as someone that looks at perfection and wonders about the sweat and tears that were given to get there, i'm interested in the process not just the destination.

so here's me, right now.

asana.

happy sunday!  xo xo

real beauty.

how would you live if you were turned inside out?

if physically all the world could see only your inner virtues and the projections of your mind?

your outer body, face, and hair are all hidden beneath your concepts, beliefs, and the messages you tell yourself about reality each day.

what if we could see each other's souls only?  no breasts, no make up, no toned body, no brands of clothes.  how would we decide someone is beautiful?

today i am dedicating all that i do, say, and think (or at least what i can catch myself thinking, i'm still learning) to the nurturing of my inner beauty.  

the foods we put into our body, the exercise we do, the work we create, the relationships we sustain- let them all be positive contributions to our inner self's worth, truth, and beauty.  

and the outer beauty will follow.  so perhaps we can let go of the need to manipulate and obsess over the outside, and remember that it will be a reflection of our internal world.  

i made a vow in my practice/meditation this morning to watch the purpose of why i do what i do.  and to constantly redirect that purpose to my inner grace and light.

inside out, it's the only way.

little by little.

today, this has become my mantra.

the words came to me from somewhere in my memories while on my run with my puppy boy this afternoon.

some people close to me know this; however i try to keep it hidden, even from myself.

this thing is, i can be really hard on myself.

and i won't notice it because i'm still not that great at watching my thoughts.  i know i am not alone in this way of thinking, so i am hoping my words and my thoughts will influence and bring some of us type a's together to see we don't have to live like this.

little by little, it's the only way.  nothing beautiful, brilliant, genius, or transcendent ever happens quickly.

i hate to admit it, but i am still a child in many many ways.  i'm not fully ready or capable of certain things yet because my brain literally is still developing.  this is not an excuse to not be great, i am simply always going to be a work in progress- like my blog's title 'purusha in progress'.  i won't ever be done or complete or perfect.

the type a in me wants all or nothing.  she is impatient, irritable, judgmental, and jealous.  she wants it all now, and if she can't have it perfect, well then i'm just fucked.  all my small accomplishments are ignored, and i find it harder and harder to even accomplish the small goals as they are lost in the lofty, grandiose, perfect goals of this lower self.

this honestly makes me feel sad for myself.  not like 'sorry for myself', but sad that i've allowed my self to be treated so badly.  a girl's gotta have time to grow, and to take the steps one at a time.  there's no way i will make it up the stairs of my life if i try to take them 6 at a time.

throughout many days, my automated louder self sets some pretty high standards.  up by 7 am, yoga for 1 hour at least, work, lunch, run, more work, dinner, bed.  now to some of you, this sounds like a normal day right?  i would like this to be my normal day.. but more often it looks like this: up by 9 ('cause i went to bed at 12), reading, emailing, playing on the computer for a few hours, work, lunch, run, yoga, little work, dinner, more work, hang out time, bed late.  this isn't terrible by any means, and i'm not complaining, but it is damn hard being your own boss.  i'm still learning how to train myself to find the schedule that works for me.

however, there's someone in my head that thinks they're the boss of me.  and this boss is not nice.  she doesn't see that i did wake up early today, and i did something nice for patrick, and i worked hard on purusha (even if i worked from 6-11 at night...).  if it's not according to the 'perfect' plan, well then it just sucks.  oh yeah, and she constantly compares me to other people, and will find something to be jealous of in just about ANY person.  no joke- whatever skills, height, bravery, brains, beauty i don't have, mean boss lady will dwell on it and envy it.  seriously, this silly voice will have me wishing i could sing joni mitchell like joni mitchell, break dance, study biology, be tall, foster animals, write books, be an exhibitionist, etc etc etc..........

and well, perhaps i could do all those things; but i know even if i did the crazy boss bitch would still want more, and find more talents to desire and obsess over. 

so i have to practice what i preach... to turn that voice down, and turn my own inner voice up.  the voice that is whispering 'little by little'.  and her voice sounds a little like joni mitchell.  joni, i'm listening.

slowly but surely i will become very similar to the person my type a is so aggressively seeking out at this very moment.  yet, this person will be better and even more than my ego can imagine, because this woman needs time.  time so she can accomplish things beyond anything my ego can dream.  she is being born within me, and is gently and deliberately evolving into someone so freaking beautifully beyond instant gratification.  she is kind, compassionate, funny, patient, confidant, and open.  she is like a flower bud right now, and no way can i force her open or she won't bloom.  but i see within her the mighty potential to burst into petals.

so hayley, i'm going to start taking it easy on you.  no more impatience, no more cruel words when you aren't 100% perfect.  small goals add up to big accomplishments like water drops to fill a bucket.  you'll get there, but not tonight.

little by little- this may be my next purusha t-shirt. ;)  

please make the vow with me to celebrate the small goals we meet everyday, and to turn up the beautiful soft voice in our heads that tells us we are exactly where we're supposed to be.  because we are.  and we always will be.

love.

today, i'm feeling it.  from every direction.

love's the best isn't it?  it makes me care less about ME and my silly little needs.  instead i want to give, share, and put others first.  having a partner makes this more clear to me, because i can practice at home :).

it's funny, i never thought i would be able to give the things i wanted to someone else, and feel really good about the decision... but love changes you, softening the heart and confronting the ego.

i am eternally thankful for the people in my life that i love and for these people loving me back!

it is the purpose of being human, i believe... to collaborate this love in order to achieve beautiful, universe-altering things.

and it all starts with self love and the ability to love just one other person; to realize how similar we humans are, and how basic are needs are for happiness and satisfaction.

LOVE.  i'll take it.  it takes me!