dreams.



so i said i wasn't going to get personal anymore.  breaking my own rules, that's what i do.  my new rule is; i write when i want, how i want, and if i have time.  

i used to love writing in my journal every night before bed.  it was my ritual, to settle my thoughts for the day, and to have a record of they way i thought so i could watch myself evolve.

i miss this.  i miss writing, i miss talking to someone, or no one.  so i'm going to write and share myself with anyone that will read.  

last night i had crazy dreams, as usual.

i dreamt that my sister kate died in a car crash.  i must have drawn this dream from my real life experience of my other sister lucy dying in a car accident about 14 years ago now.  it was the worst feeling i've ever experienced, both in the dream and in real life.

i had trouble sleeping last night- i woke up early (or late) and tossed and turned a bit.  so i dreamt that i was in bed and couldn't sleep.  i woke up patrick and he was like, 'let's not sleep then, let's eat some pasta.'  so we made pasta and brought it to bed and watched the sun come up (confusing to me, but still a dream).  my phone rang, and it was a number i'd never seen before so i didn't pick up.  then pat's phone rang and someone left a voice mail.  we listened to it on speaker and it was my dad crying.  when my dad cries, that's when i know shit is bad.  he told us kate died in a car crash that morning.

that moment, i relived and re-experienced the worst pain i've known in my life.  death sucks, all of a sudden any softness of living is gone.  it's all hard, rocks everywhere, and the biggest rock of all has been thrown at your heart.  you can't breathe for a second; and there's no erasing, no saying sorry or trying again.  it's final, and all you can do is bare it and fight for survival.  you know everything will change, and life will grow harder before the softness shows itself again.  

i texted with kate tonight, so i know she's ok.  but for a few minutes this morning i was frozen in shock- really?  i'm an only child?  another car accident?  no more sisters?  i won't get to hear my funny lil sis's laugh ever again? 

like there is no feeling like losing a loved one, there is no feeling like awaking from a bad dream to realize, it was only a dream.  why must i fall for my dreams 99% of the time?  i wish i could learn to differentiate dreams from reality.... but then i suppose i wouldn't have a good sleep?

cliche as it is, there is no life without death.  i'm sorry that i've had to experience the death of someone so close to me, yet i am lucky to have experienced the full depth of what life can hand us.  we are so fragile, and everything can change in an instant.  we don't have all the time in the world, and everything is possible.  

more than ever, i want to share my heart with people i love.  so what if i cry and tremble when i talk about my dreams?  life is fleeting and useless if we hide ourselves because we're afraid to show emotions.  my peepa (grandfather) used to cry all the time when he talked about things close to his heart.  i always admired that, and i long to not care if i shed a tear when i reveal my thoughts.

well it's time for me to hit the pillow again, and venture back to dreamland.  i hope tonight balances out last night and i get to fly or perform a dance on a stage or become the first woman president.  yeah, that sounds fair.  good night my loves.

photos c/o jmbarclay
taking a step back.




so today, here i am sitting in the living room, taking a break from work with the fan blasting on my face. it's hot here in connecticut, but the hotness chills me out in a way.  the heat slows me down; i'm thinking slower, speaking less, and moving  ever so carefully.

right now, as usual, i'm thinking about the future of purusha, and where i want my business and my life to go.

as some of you may have noticed, i've been blogging less.  i honestly adore blogging.  having a reason to take pictures and write and share my world with you is so satisfying.  but i've been wondering recently, is it worth my precious time?

if i didn't have to work everyday so long and hard on purusha, the answer might be 'yes'.  ultimately, my goal is for purusha to be a success- to build a sustainable business, hiring awesome people to work for me that i can treat with kindness and respect, and to provide beautiful organic clothing for all people!

does blogging get me sales?  no, i don't think so.

i love that people can get to know me on here, understanding my vision and my passion.  so i'm not going to quit the blog, i'm just going to blog less and, pardon me, not give a shit who's reading and how many people are reading.  i've noticed i've been checking my blog stats too much, and placing too much emphasis on people's receptivity of my personal life.  it's humbling to think, people that don't know me don't necessarily care that i went on a hike somewhere yesterday, ya know?  writing my blog like my personal journal may not be the best medium to draw people to purusha.

i'm thinking i will keep my blog mostly about fashion and yoga, not so much personal stuff.  my family and close friends, i'm sorry, i know you guys like knowing what's going on in my life (thank you so much!).

mondays will be the only day when i get a little personal.  other days i'll post yoga, clothing stuff, or i won't post at all.

people out there, if you can, please let me know what you think of my new blogging perspective.  i would appreciate any feedback!  thanks so much my sweets!  i am so grateful for your reading!

stay cool today, and embrace the heat as it cleanses your spirit!  namaste.


monday meditation.


this weekend i had a real 'connecticut' kinda weekend.


patrick and i went to an incredible and delicious, refreshing and rejuvenating wine tasting just down the road at connecticut valley winery in new hartford.




oh my goodness the wines here are SO tasty!  i never really thought i was a 'fruity' girly wine drinker, but this place changed my mind!  ct valley winery has won so many awards and grows all it's own grapes on site.  each wine is totally fresh tasting, like it had just been harvested(and it probably was!).  i love a vintage dry wine, but i also can really appreciate a low acidity vibrant clean berry wine.  we bought a fantastic bottle of their chianti- it tastes like cherries! mmmm!  valley's wines are like amazing grape juice that makes you feel realllly good!  haha!



we feel good, can you tell?!


afterwords, with a nice healthy lil buzz on, we went to walk around a gorgeous abandoned farm down the road.





pat and i talked, daydreaming about what this farm was like 50 years ago.  we wondered what happened, why it went to ruin, and contemplated how the world is f-ed up.  to make a living these days as a small farmer has gotta be an uphill battle.  i mean it's so awesome that more and more people are becoming educated and want to buy local, but man those factory farms are so powerful.  and with rising food prices... what can consumers do?  we can try our best to make humane choices and support small businesses as often as possible.

we decided we're only going to buy local wine from now on.  it's convenient, a bit more expensive, but worth it.  $ is power, and everything we buy says 'this is my choice, and i choose to support this.'  i am learning to spend wisely...






another thing i reflected upon this weekend is balance.


i've said this before, but i can't stress enough how important it is to both work and play, hard!

when i take the weekends off from purusha, and say NO i will not work on anything.. i find i'm a better and a more productive worker come monday.  life is for pleasure just as much as it is for productivity.  i have to remind myself that i will be a happy hayley as long as i allow myself to take some time to completely turn off any thought of work.  i have to do this for my own health, and for the health of those around me.  and YOU should, too! hehe ;) it's easy!




wouldn't you love to lounge here?


the view from the farm.  this kinda pissed me and patrick off.  what an eye soar right?!  really, your church isn't enough, you need a pillar so all can see your beliefs?  ugh, sorry, but we're not all christians here!  hhmphh!!


so lovely here.

hope you all have a wonderous week with enough time to recharge and balance out your work!  one breath at  a time, and all is coming.... :)  
give.



it's funny.  whenever i am about to travel somewhere i don't what to go anymore.  i want to live my normal everyday life and i'm afraid of change.  then once i'm gone for a little while, i don't want to go home.  are you like this too?


it seems that again and again i learn that what comes easily isn't necessarily the best thing.  what pushes you out of your comfort zone, into new surroundings, is what causes you to grow and change your perspective.


while in california for the past week or so i really didn't feel any different.  if anything i thought perhaps i got a tad cranky with my family at times, and missed liam and patrick a lot more than i should have.  when i got home, i thought (as i always do when something is over), 'i could have been kinder', and 'i could have been more appreciative', or 'i could have savored the moments more deeply', etc.


these thoughts, or mini regrets, are life's lessons to me.

and since getting home i feel... different.  in a good way.



i feel like my internal equilibrium is balanced, and i also feel more ready to give than i ever have before.  it's really amazing that giving can be a self-centered thing to do!  when i give my love, my touch, my kindness away, i actually get back about 2X as much as i thought i lost.



this readiness and desire to give comes from my new perspective on my life, a view that can only come from leaving my duties and stepping back from my little collinsville, ct bubble.  california erased the notion that i didn't have enough to share, and that i needed certain things from people.

i have too much already, and i need to share my overflowing cup with those that i love.  giving people hugs, support, and letting them care for me back without feeling indebted; instills within me a courage to live and experience life more fearlessly than ever.


so give what you've got away.  you won't be sorry or regretful EVER.  you will resist at first because it's not that society tells us to do.  the material world encourages us to hoard, that me need more, that we will never have enough.  this is wrong.

love is for sharing, kind words are for giving, and wealth is for spreading.  today, i want you to know that i care for YOU and am sending you a bit of my love through my thoughts and my intentions.

namaste.

 feast your eyes.


while in santa barbara i had the pleasure to visit the beautiful lotusland in the montecito hills.


the garden was founded and designed by madame ganna walska, an eccentric and awesome 6x times wed opera singer with a taste for the unusual in horticulture.


this place is magical- 37 acres of wonderment and rarities, plants i've never seen or even heard of!


black bamboo


aloe trees, a 'la dr. suess


crazy varieties of palm


more unique aloe


a wading pool with a fountain made from an almost now extinct kind of shell from africa


my first time seeing a real live lotus!


so gorgeous



sister.  i love you.





so many cacti!


a weeping willow style cactus



black flowers?!



awe-struck


madame's pool looks so inviting.  more rare abalone shells


madame walksa herself


fern trees looking so prehistoric




one of my favorite scents happens to be the most poisonous thing ever- angel trumpet.


haha this flower is rare and blooms for only a short time, yet can't remember what it is...


a small redwood tree






stone designs on the garden floor


the blue garden


i love succulents


water runs everywhere in the gardens- you can always hear a trickle.



the hugest clock i've ever seen




madame wanted a blue garden.  the gardeners said 'it can't be done!' madame proved otherwise! ;)


the incredible cycad garden.  one of the largest collections of cycads in the world!  dinosaurs ate these plants, making them millions of years old. wow!



the rainforest garden


the japanese garden


a great spot to meditate!


so peaceful


i can't wait to go back someday.  hope your eyes enjoyed this little treat!  

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