so i said i wasn't going to get personal anymore. breaking my own rules, that's what i do. my new rule is; i write when i want, how i want, and if i have time.
i used to love writing in my journal every night before bed. it was my ritual, to settle my thoughts for the day, and to have a record of they way i thought so i could watch myself evolve.
i miss this. i miss writing, i miss talking to someone, or no one. so i'm going to write and share myself with anyone that will read.
last night i had crazy dreams, as usual.
i dreamt that my sister kate died in a car crash. i must have drawn this dream from my real life experience of my other sister lucy dying in a car accident about 14 years ago now. it was the worst feeling i've ever experienced, both in the dream and in real life.
i had trouble sleeping last night- i woke up early (or late) and tossed and turned a bit. so i dreamt that i was in bed and couldn't sleep. i woke up patrick and he was like, 'let's not sleep then, let's eat some pasta.' so we made pasta and brought it to bed and watched the sun come up (confusing to me, but still a dream). my phone rang, and it was a number i'd never seen before so i didn't pick up. then pat's phone rang and someone left a voice mail. we listened to it on speaker and it was my dad crying. when my dad cries, that's when i know shit is bad. he told us kate died in a car crash that morning.
that moment, i relived and re-experienced the worst pain i've known in my life. death sucks, all of a sudden any softness of living is gone. it's all hard, rocks everywhere, and the biggest rock of all has been thrown at your heart. you can't breathe for a second; and there's no erasing, no saying sorry or trying again. it's final, and all you can do is bare it and fight for survival. you know everything will change, and life will grow harder before the softness shows itself again.
i texted with kate tonight, so i know she's ok. but for a few minutes this morning i was frozen in shock- really? i'm an only child? another car accident? no more sisters? i won't get to hear my funny lil sis's laugh ever again?
like there is no feeling like losing a loved one, there is no feeling like awaking from a bad dream to realize, it was only a dream. why must i fall for my dreams 99% of the time? i wish i could learn to differentiate dreams from reality.... but then i suppose i wouldn't have a good sleep?
cliche as it is, there is no life without death. i'm sorry that i've had to experience the death of someone so close to me, yet i am lucky to have experienced the full depth of what life can hand us. we are so fragile, and everything can change in an instant. we don't have all the time in the world, and everything is possible.
more than ever, i want to share my heart with people i love. so what if i cry and tremble when i talk about my dreams? life is fleeting and useless if we hide ourselves because we're afraid to show emotions. my peepa (grandfather) used to cry all the time when he talked about things close to his heart. i always admired that, and i long to not care if i shed a tear when i reveal my thoughts.
well it's time for me to hit the pillow again, and venture back to dreamland. i hope tonight balances out last night and i get to fly or perform a dance on a stage or become the first woman president. yeah, that sounds fair. good night my loves.
photos c/o jmbarclay