photo i took from fall 2007 at great pond, CT
something about not being in new england for fall this year is making me very emotional. it could also be that it's that time of the month. i dunno. but i feel soooo nostalgic, and just wishy washy. i cried to patrick a little this morning about the fact that we can't move backwards in time. those moments that i didn't even realize were special are gone, only alive in a coma in my memories. rational patrick helps a bit, telling me that, like most people, i have survivor ship bias, or i am only choosing to remember the good and forget all the bad.
yes, this seems to be true, but i still feel a little sad. i miss when patrick and i first met in the spring of 2007 in simsbury, ct. we both lived at home, i didn't have a job. my only job was to spend time with patrick and fall in love. and paint pictures. and write poems in my childhood bedroom. i told patrick that i missed those carefree days, and ha, patrick said, "we were ignorant, we didn't know we were adults that should have been working and not living at home. you were 23!", and "didn't you long for more though?". all true, but i really needed that time to figure out what i wanted to do with my precious time.
patrick and i, that summer and fall of 2007, we just rode bikes, ate food together, went on hikes, and learned about who we were. it was so sacred. i tear up to think we can't ever go hang out in patrick's room again (his family doesn't live there anymore), and we can't ride down his road at night and look at all the fireflies. that time is gone.
and then when we moved in together 2 years later in collinsville, ct. i find myself missing that too. we were both working more then, but still, we had this safety there, this feeling like we were still young and free. our families were nearby, lots of friends down the street, and plenty of time to spend exploring life together. again, patrick just told me "that house was dark, you wanted to move and try something different, and we knew we couldn't stay some place because it was easy." yes, pat, right again. maybe another day i will be so rational. but not today.
the funny/crazy/stupid thing is, i fully know someday i will look back at our time here in topanga and think... i wish i could go back. to when things were simpler. time is a concept none of us trapped in existence bound by time can understand. all i can understand are my feelings of attachment to moments gone by... and try in this moment to be hugely grateful that those people in the memories i miss are still here with me, safe and sound.
we have to move forward, life is change. i'm not sure though i will ever be able to think back without a few tears mourning what was and can never be again. but that's natural right? i have a feeling i will be a weepy old woman someday, crying when i'm happy, sad, nostalgic... if i can't understand time, at least i can feel it. i can feel it.