nostalgia sets in.

photo i took from fall 2007 at great pond, CT

something about not being in new england for fall this year is making me very emotional. it could also be that it's that time of the month. i dunno. but i feel soooo nostalgic, and just wishy washy. i cried to patrick a little this morning about the fact that we can't move backwards in time. those moments that i didn't even realize were special are gone, only alive in a coma in my memories. rational patrick helps a bit, telling me that, like most people, i have survivor ship bias, or i am only choosing to remember the good and forget all the bad. 

yes, this seems to be true, but i still feel a little sad. i miss when patrick and i first met in the spring of 2007 in simsbury, ct. we both lived at home, i didn't have a job. my only job was to spend time with patrick and fall in love. and paint pictures. and write poems in my childhood bedroom. i told patrick that i missed those carefree days, and ha, patrick said, "we were ignorant, we didn't know we were adults that should have been working and not living at home. you were 23!", and "didn't you long for more though?". all true, but i really needed that time to figure out what i wanted to do with my precious time. 

patrick and i, that summer and fall of 2007, we just rode bikes, ate food together, went on hikes, and learned about who we were. it was so sacred. i tear up to think we can't ever go hang out in patrick's room again (his family doesn't live there anymore), and we can't ride down his road at night and look at all the fireflies. that time is gone. 

and then when we moved in together 2 years later in collinsville, ct. i find myself missing that too. we were both working more then, but still, we had this safety there, this feeling like we were still young and free. our families were nearby, lots of friends down the street, and plenty of time to spend exploring life together. again, patrick just told me "that house was dark, you wanted to move and try something different, and we knew we couldn't stay some place because it was easy." yes, pat, right again. maybe another day i will be so rational. but not today.

the funny/crazy/stupid thing is, i fully know someday i will look back at our time here in topanga and think... i wish i could go back. to when things were simpler. time is a concept none of us trapped in existence bound by time can understand. all i can understand are my feelings of attachment to moments gone by... and try in this moment to be hugely grateful that those people in the memories i miss are still here with me, safe and sound. 

we have to move forward, life is change. i'm not sure though i will ever be able to think back without a few tears mourning what was and can never be again. but that's natural right? i have a feeling i will be a weepy old woman someday, crying when i'm happy, sad, nostalgic... if i can't understand time, at least i can feel it. i can feel it.









Comments

  1. Aww Hayley! I am extremely nostalgic, so I sympathize. I think it's obviously only natural to feel those things from time to time, but you've also had very precious things taken from you in this life, so the desire to "hang onto" and cherish specific time periods, places, things and people is probably an even more desperate and strong need.

    You are someone who walks through life not with your head looking down, but looking all around you. You see things-- you appreciate things, and more than most. It is always sad to say goodbye to past times, but Patrick is right-- there were things you assuredly didn't like about those times as well, and your time in CA will someday be another wistful fancy of remembrance. But at least you fully SEE everything around you. Those times are gone, but you most likely experienced them fuller than most people do, and that, my dear, is something that should make you smile.

    <3 Amanda

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  2. Well said Amanda!

    I feel ya sister. I remember coming back to Simsbury from CA and seeing you and Pat just the way you describe here. Making him a BLT and watching house hauntings on TV at mom and dads. I remember thinking, these two have it so good! I work way too much. haha. Being an adult is tough. But you guys still have all those moments inside you and you are still those same two people! Just doing different things with your time now. When I feel sad about the past being gone I sometimes think about what is ahead of me.... ohh all the great things to come in the future! So much good things are happening to create an awesome life for yourselves. Maybe even kids! ;)

    But of course, you know, the present (and past) is all we have. But just saying, it helps me sometimes to smile at whats ahead. We are still kinda young. Like you said we will be looking back at this time one day too. It's a good thing then that you know how to cherish it while your in it. Many people let it all pass by...

    I know what your feeling though. We come from the same roots and it's hard not to be in the comfort of mom and dad as we once were as children. Going to visit home helps!!

    Time always marches on and this too will pass.

    xoxox
    Your sis.

    p.s Love those old pics. Esp the one of you and Christa haha! So creppy.

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