him.

i'm feeling heartbroken. i know it could be worse, it could be better.. blah blah blah. but i just feel terribly emotional. this weekend is appears to us that liam lost quite a bit more vision. it basically happened overnight. thursday, liam and i went hiking with a friend and her dog and he was his usual slightly clumsy self, but he could manage a hike without a leash. sunday morning patrick and i noticed liam had a hard time finding where to step off the bed, which we thought was weird, but also thought maybe he was disoriented from just waking up? we took him on a hike and it was nuts. like he could barely walk the trail. and today i took liam on a run with a leash and liam couldn't keep up. he circled around and behind me, clearly confused and scared about not knowing where he was. he couldn't even find his friend adele's house like he usually can. when i called his name it took a while for his eyes to find me, if they did at all. i came home after our run and just bawled. i'm trying to be strong and keep things happy for liam, but i can't help but feel a little devastated.

so this afternoon we took liam to the opthamologist just to check why his vision decreased so rapidly, and be sure there wasn't anything besides PRA wrong. the doctor's were super kind to us, and luckily there isn't any neurological damage or anything, all they could really tell us was he has advanced degeneration in his retina. like we already know. i'm just kinda in shock at how much our baby boy has changed within only 36 hours. man, am i missing that 30% vision he once had. the doctor told us things will get easier once liam adjusts and realizes he can't see, so he'll start using his other senses more to move around... but right now i gotta say it's really really painful for me to watch. he's still trying to see.

i know liam is going to be just fine. he's still happy, though confused, it's just silly little me that's feeling pretty low. today i bought the book 'living with blind dogs'. in a way i just kinda hoped and believed that liam would never go blind. i didn't think i would have to buy a book on living with a blind dog. ouch. it hurts right now.

i had to help liam go outside this evening, putting him in this little dirt spot he lays in sometimes, and i watched as he just stayed there... and realized he was planning on staying there until i helped him out. normally we keep the front door open and liam steps outside and sits as he pleases, but today he couldn't do it without our help. that's the hardest part, seeing that he can't be independent, and go roll in the dirt or find a stick on his own.

i guess all i can do is wait for time, time will heal me. and liam's already healed. ha most of what he cares about is food! and hugs and walks.. and those things aren't going anywhere. it feels a little like mourning today... you know that feeling like it might be, hopefully could be?, a dream? speaking of dreams, i just lost it a little while ago thinking that liam can only see now in his dreams. waahhhh. my heart.

more than anything i feel just this sense of finality. there's nothing that can be done, and being sad longer than necessary doesn't do a thing. so i cry, buy a book on blind dogs, and move on. deep breaths. liam is still here with us, in no pain, and smiling. that's all that matters.

surrounded by beauty.

photos by katie adelsberger. modeling by lauren york.

i am just SO blown away with these incredible photos from our recent shoot for the night call collection. above are some of my favorites, but if i could put up all 260 photos in a blog post without being obnoxious, oh i surely would! i feel like the luckiest girl in the world that i have the BEST photographer and model to work with. katie and lauren, i love you sooooo much!!!! thank you with all my heart for creating such beauty with me. i really feel completely honored to work with these immensely talented women. gosh darn it! i can't wait to work with these ladies many many times to come. aww i'm all warm inside. :)

comfort in fear.

photo : www.katieadelsberger.com

the past few days i've been a little fed up with myself. i've gotten to the point where i'm just really sick of feeling scared, nervous, and anxious. it doesn't feel good, obviously, so i just want it out of my life. out. it's time. not that i feel these negative emotions all the time, but they do keep me from being the complete person i know i can be.

on saturday night i went with patrick to a toastmaster's party. toastmaster's is a public speaking club that patrick belongs to. so basically my worst nightmare. ha. everyone in the group is SO so incredibly nice and welcoming, and of course they all say i must join. at first i just thought in my head 'hell no. i can't do it.' over and over again as these kind folks talked to me about how toastmaster's changed their lives. one super sweet woman that designs lingerie told me about how she hosts fashion seminars, where different designers speak on their area of expertise, and she asked me if i wanted to speak about how to start your own brand and sell online. a small part of me whispered from some dusty untapped part of my brain 'yes'. today, i've noticed that voice is getting louder. i'm seeing there's this part of me i don't really know yet, this brave and strong person that someone got punched down and silenced by the fear bully. the fear in me typically yells so loud i can't even hear anymore that's it not who i am, that it's not the only voice in my head.

maybe you have to get to this point, where you are just so freakin' tired of believing yourself to be a certain way... like 'oh, i'm so shy, i have nervous energy, i'm a meek person.' these stories just aren't holding up for me anymore, they're not working with the person i want to be. i'm just going to stop letting what scares me lead my life. i'm joining toastmaster's and we'll see what happens. no pressure, but i'm 30 years old now and kinda don't want to hold onto a belief about myself that i established when i was 14 years old, ya know? it's just lame.

so that's that. time to leave this prison of fear. i wouldn't even call it my comfort zone anymore, it's getting so uncomfortable that it feels worse to stay as i am. it's like i need to find that there's comfort in doing what's scary, because there's no better feeling than silencing the lies in your mind and doing what you know you're fully capable of doing. 30 years, it's go time. 

don't fear what's dark.

isn't this such a pretty hike liam and i get to go on? it's right down the street from my house, and it's just beautiful. the other day we hiked it, and i should have been happy and upbeat, it was a gorgeous day... but some days it just seems your mind gets drawn to the dark side. in a way, i think it's healthy to go there, and not be afraid of it. because once you go inside what's dark you see you have to accept it all in order to be here on this planet. it can't be all good, all positivity, all sunshine all the time. the earth exists because of balance- dark and light, high tide and low tide, full moon and new moon, happiness and sadness. there will always be the opposite.

one thing i was really getting down about was liam's ever fading vision. sometimes i just shortly dwell on how much he's changed in even the last year as his vision declines. {liam has PRA, a genetic degenerative eye disease that usually is a slow progression to blindness.} like, walking up steps and me directing him up steps now is a big accomplishment. after our teamwork getting up those stairs on the trail we celebrate! with yay! go puppy boy! good work! and silly/trite as it is, i feel bad we are celebrating going up stairs, when a year or 2 ago liam was jumping off rocks to fetch sticks in water. no way could he find a stick now.

after a little battling with myself about feeling sad {you know, thinking it could always be worse, these are 1st world problems, we don't have cancer, etc etc}, i decided to stop fighting it and just let my mind go there. it's ok to give things that are sad your sadness. why belittle what's so blatantly getting you down? i let my mind go back to when liam could see, and compared him to now, and just watched my mind rewind itself to memories of the past 8 years together... i came to the realization, or the remembrance, that to love someone is to love all of them. not only the parts of them that are beautiful and easy, but also what's wrong and broken. because what's broken in liam, his eyes, has been programmed within him his whole life. this is who liam is. without liam's blindness {i often don't even want to put those words together- liam and blindness. like if i speak it, all his vision will be gone. not just 70%.}, i wouldn't have this love bug that likes to sleep in with me, listens and tilts his head with more attention than anyone's ever given me in their life {!}, wags his tail when he hears me laugh, loves showing off his big bone, and well i could just go on and on. i love everything about liam, therefore i have to love his damaged eyes.  and with this disability we have grown SO close {probably too close! lol.}, and we communicate so intuitively with each other, it's kinda magical. 

don't fear what's dark. more and more i've come to find understanding and peace within this giant spectrum of existence. it's all a part of being alive. ha, come to think of it, without the ultimate darkness- death- we wouldn't have life. this whole shebang is a giant paradox, and we each contain what's dark and what's light. 

may we continue to have the courage to face all of it, and never stop loving the journey. namaste.

new dress.

hello! how are you?

this weekend patrick, liam, and i had a date :). we needed a reason for me to wear my new dress! this dress is my very first piece of "designer" clothing. it's by missoni. i've been admiring their stuff for a long while now, and i didn't have to spend a fortune on it! {ha i couldn't have anyways ;)}. i got it from this sweetly addictive site called shop-hers, where girls can basically set up shop and sell there new or gently worn designer clothing with awesome mark downs. this pretty silk dress was a steal, aaah i jut love it! 

on saturday we all went to the blue table in calabasas, one of our favorite european style casual but charming lunch spots, where we love to get a bottle of wine, paninis, and a yummy cookie. my dress made me feel like a sophisticated woman, let me tell you. i love how special clothes can make you feel like a different person, it's so cool.

then we headed to home depot. yes, home depot. because i've been wanting to get some new plants and pot them. on the way into the store, liam on his leash charging forward in excitement, patrick playfully started making fun of me... all dressed up in my missoni about to get down and dirty in the plants section with a yellow lab. {by the way, more errands to places like staples and rite aid followed. very glamorous, i know.} somehow purusha and work and errands seem to seep into most of our dates... even the conversation inevitably goes to my business often, and brainstorming new ideas. patrick is such a beautiful man though, he always listens, cares, and gives me his input. he's like my consultant.

anyways, that was my saturdee, and it sure was nice! sunday was mostly fun work, planning for purusha's fall line photo shoot this week! i am SOOO excited to share everything!

love you all! namaste.

my huge ego.

i wish i had some sort of pretty/cool picture of myself to share here, but my heart just hasn't been in it. blogging is weird. i blog for myself because i basically get to have a memoir of my life documented here {which is pretty neat}, but i also know i have a few readers, so i feel like i have to blog about what people want to read and see.

lately though i've been feeling just a whole lot of 'i don't care.' not that i don't think things matter, but more like i'm letting go of results and expectations. it's a really really hard thing for me to do. but i've been feeling this call to strip down my ego. i am totally embarrassed to say this {damn ego again! eh hem, who cares!}, but my ego is ginormous. and the way my ego manifests itself, i'm not cocky or overly confident, instead my large ego is very fragile and wants to stay in one piece at all times. it doesn't want to put hayley out there, try new scary things, or take a chance on making a fool of me. it cares a lot about what people i don't know think, and bases my emotions on responses or lack of responses i get to my words, my actions, and my work. my ego really holds this person hayley back from trying things. for example, playing music with patrick. patrick is helping me learn how to play piano, and learn how to "jam". when you play random notes, you have to not give a shit what it sounds like. or else you're just crippled, and will never realize your creative potential. 

so i'm working on this. i'm working on creating, trying, and exploring without worrying about the outcome and caring about what people say or don't say. i love patrick {among millions of reasons} because he isn't afraid of looking silly. that's what i want. i want to to be hayley, without this barrier of analyzation keeping me from my authentic self. it is SO difficult.

what do you do to deflate your ego? i would love some help :).

deep breaths! thank you. namaste.

my promise.

this morning i woke up hungover. this doesn't happen to me very often, but patrick and i went to a scotch tasting last night... and well about 4 shots later i was done. i'm a total light weight and didn't drink enough water, so i've kinda been taking my time with what i have to do today. {i'm starting to feel all better now! phew!}

while sipping chamomile tea, recovering from my head pains, i did a little browsing and exploring online of what it's like to work in a garment factory. and mostly... just...ugh. cringe. it's sad. the majority of garment factories in the world, and in los angeles even!, look like absolute shit {what a surprise.} these places appear sad, crowded, dark, and unhealthy. i will never ever ever have anything made in a factory that i wouldn't want to work in.

yesterday i met up with nadya my seamstress in downtown LA, as we always do every 2 weeks to exchange finished clothing for new work. you guys, it's ridiculously ghetto what we do. we meet at a fabric store and i buys some supplies, and then nadya and i drive to a place where parking is free, but not too far away. so downtown, this is just a side street with no grass and no benches or anything like that. we used to stand up, nadya would clean off the back of her car, and we would go through all the bags of clothing on there while i crossed off each item on the checklist. however, {yay for us!} now nayda is making so much stuff for purusha that, well, we get a little tired standing. so we've taken to putting a blanket down right on the sidewalk on some grungy street and just going through everything like that. our own little ghetto picnic. nadya and i giggle a lot at how odd we must look. but it works. i know someday when we have our own space we'll look back and laugh.

each time i meet up with nadya i just love her a little more and more. nadya takes so much pride in her work, has endless spunk, and works so damn hard. i am really really lucky to have her. she makes me feel even more strongly that i have to have a different manufacturing situation as my business grows. i know i might be a little naive, but i still imagine this lovely little space with plenty of sunshine and open air for my purusha "factory" family to work in. to be able to give someone employment, a place where they spend most hours of their lives, and treat them with kindness and respect is such a beautiful and rewarding honor. i don't know really anything about manufacturing overseas, but from what i see on the outside, it seems really complicated. and almost too easy to shrug off the responsibilities of ethics, like good working conditions and sound environmental practices. i have to, totally have to, be able to see every aspect of my creation. {side note, i'm beginning to work with a fabric supplier here in los angeles, where i can visit the mill, so as purusha grows i'll be able to have more control over the full process.}

so this is my promise. to you, to nayda, to my future employees, and to myself. to make sure that where the clothing comes from is as beautiful and pure as the clothing itself. running a business to me is a sort of sacred art, and each piece of it is holy. i vow to keep this at the core of every choice i make for purusha.

and now my head feels all better.

namaste.