my pregnancy journal : 3

How far along?

19 weeks tomorrow. Can't believe I'm pretty much half way there. Time is going by really quickly!

How big is the peanut?

I think he's like 8 oz and about 6 inches long. The size of a big tomato ;) My little tomato boy.

Total weight gain/loss? 

My last doctor's appt on May 20th I gained a total of I think 9 lbs so far? I can't remember. And I am amazed that I can't remember! Usually I always weigh the same weight, and was a little worried about weight gain during my pregnancy. Stupid egotistical body issue/dysmorphia pop culture brainwashing stuff that I used to deal with as a younger girl. I find myself not caring at all. Patrick still thinks I'm hot (right Pat?!), I'm creating a baby in my belly, and he's doing incredibly well! Lately I've just been feeling blessings all around. Life's not perfect of course, but I am extremely grateful for everything I have right now. More so than ever. My life feels like a magical dream.

Maternity clothes? 

I've been really enjoying my Paige black maternity jeans! And my Purusha organic cotton fold over waist yoga pants are still so great and comfy. I am beginning to feel like I can wear tighter clothing again soon because it's becoming more apparent that I am in fact pregnant and not just hosting a beer belly. Haha!

Sleep?

Sleep is still really good! I'm getting about 8 hours a night, but I feel like I could get more. I'm trying to go to bed earlier to get 9 hours, but it's hard. We always eat dinner late. I got my first weird and uncomfortable muscle cramp in one leg the other night, that was annoying. 

Best moment this week? 

Well there are a couple! First one was going to the doctor and him confirming the baby is growing well, seeing his bones- his miraculous and perfect spine and his leg and arm bones, and doctor confirming baby is definitely a boy! Damn I cry at EVERY doctor's appt. They feel like such gifts, I look forward to them. It's like a special time to connect deeply with my boy. Come to think of it... I cry at sooo many things now. Cried watching Back to the Future last night. LOL.

My massage with my friend Linnea was also a highlight last week. I could reaaally get used to doing that. It. was. heaven! So healing for pregnant mamas!

The other huge best moment was I felt the little man kicking for the first time last Sunday!! I was taking the train back from Santa Barbara from visiting my sister and I felt it! First it felt really soft, so I wasn't sure, but then I felt one huge kick from him and I just knew. Then the kicking continued off and on the rest of the train ride home. It really feels like there's someone in your stomach moving around, it's the strangest thing. Of course, I cried and smiled to myself while looking out at the Southern California countryside. It was a moment I know I will never ever forget.

Now I just feel him kicking allll the time. It's so precious! I feel more connected to him than I ever have, and even Patrick felt him kicking when putting his hand on my belly. He seems like he sleeps in, doesn't start kicking a lot until like 10, so fingers crossed he won't wake up too early in the future! Our baby boy also seems to kick a lot while I'm eating. Patrick and I joke he's like, 'OH YEAH! Mama, I love this french toast. This is delicious! Soccer kick to the gut!' For some reason when Patrick and I talk for the baby or the dogs we always make it sound a little like Matthew McConaughey's voice. It's really weird, and funnier to me than I think is normal.

Symptoms? 

I feel really tired at the end of the day. Lots and lots of baby kicks. I need to drink more water than I think, or else I get dizzy. I think that's about it. It feels very easy right now, so I'm trying to soak that up!

Food cravings? 

LOVING eating. I feel like I am getting some cravings. I can ignore them, they're not like driving me insane. But I want chocolate pudding really bad. I haven't bought any yet, I think I need to make it myself. I want it to be as good as I'm imagining and I just know jell-o pudding isn't going to cut it. I'm really enjoying 8 oz of coffee everyday. I didn't even drink coffee before I got pregnant, but my doctor suggested drinking it to help with headaches (he explained how it worked with my blood, but I can't remember). Now I really look forward to my little cup with heavy cream in it.

Food aversions? 

None at all! Loving all food.

Gender? 

BOY!

Labor signs? 

None.

Belly button in or out? 

In. But I had a dream last night it was out! It was a weird thing to see.

What I miss?

Still drinking, but whatever. Being pregnant beats drinking any day! I miss wearing a lot of my clothing. I open my closet and look at some clothes and wonder how I could fit into such a small t-shirt?!

What I'm looking forward to? 

Seriously excited to meet him. So many small things make him more and more real. One thing I did the other day was set up a baby registry for my shower and it was SO much fun! Picking out clothes, bottles, furniture, etc for him further creates his little identity to me. I keep longing for him in a soft organic white onesie with little pants on, smelling all good and holding him so close. BUT I know every moment of this beautiful journey is special and a gift, so I'm not in a hurry. I'm just enjoying, and excited!

Milestones? 

Well we decided on a name! I guess people don't share their names with people? Will someone please tell me why that is? Is it really just a bad luck thing? Because that just seems silly and I am not superstitious. Or do people really think the name they chose is so special and wonderful that others are just going to steal it all over the place?! I want to spill the beans, but I feel like I shouldn't? Help!

Bump? 
It's not very much bigger than 3 weeks ago. I can't believe how small it is for being half way through my pregnancy. I guess from what I'm reading I should start getting bigger more rapidly now as the baby is putting on more weight. I'm very intrigued and excited for what my body will look like!

How are you bonding with your baby?
Still meditating with him almost everyday. I'm telling him and I: We are healthy. We are peaceful. We are joyful. We have enough, we are good enough. I love you so much already.

My friend Ianthe also gave me a great idea I'm super excited about! She told me she sung a song to her babies in the womb, and when she continued to sing it to them after birth when they were upset they would remember it and calm down. The song I chose popped in my head immediately. The first little boy I ever really loved was baby Alex that I babysat for in Burlington VT while in college. I think I was 20 years old at the time. He had a lullaby CD I would put in while bouncing him on an exercise ball to get him to fall asleep for a nap. My favorite song on there was 'Out of the Woods' by Nickel Creek. When it came on I would sing along softly to him. Those moments were so peaceful, and I had a tiny tiny glimpse of what it might be like to be a mama. Fast forward 5 years. I was falling in love with Patrick, probably still within the first year or so we met. We would just hang out in his bedroom because we barely worked and both lived with our parents. Patrick would always be playing the guitar, or showing me something on his computer, or playing me music he'd discovered. One day he played the entire Nickel Creek self titled album, and I heard Alex and I's lullaby! I didn't know who the artist was when I sung it to him, but something about hearing Patrick play it for me just made me feel like I'd come full circle. Like, this man was someone I loved in an infinite way, and he knew things about me I'd never even told him. And woah mama, it's full circle many many times as I play and sing 'Out of the Woods' for our baby on the piano. It is pure magic, and I can't even explain to you how lucky I feel. My life is so beautiful right now.