sun.

happy monday!

i am loving monday this week; new beginnings, a fresh start, and i feel good!  it might be in part because i had a totally fun and relaxing weekend.  i hope you did too!

this weekend i went hiking in the berkshires with my guys.  it was beautiful.

first we headed down to bash bish falls and soaked in the dewy air and the soothing white noise.

liam was in heaven, running and hiking around, fetching sticks and smiling at everyone. :)

the hike was long!!  well, compared to hikes in connecticut, it was long... but seriously climbing mount washington felt like we were mice in a maze... patrick and i kept thinking we were almost at the top as the trail would level out, but then we would walk for another mile and next climb a steeper part again and again.  it was a great mental and physical challenge!

liam loved every minute of it!

pat and i laugh so much at this picture!  at first you don't notice liam in the corner- and suddenly there he is!- looking odd and biting his lip, the little creeper!

after about 2 1/2 hours we made it to the top!  the first thing patrick said was, 'huh.  this view is anticlimactic'. haha!  it kinda is!  for how long and far we hiked it should have been more dramatic.  oh well!  we still savored the scenery and the brilliant sunshine!

liam told us jokes ;) .

we took off our shoes, and it felt GOOD!  my feet are having some issues right now, as you can see.

we laid in the sunshine, drank some wine and a smoothie and ate some raw food bars- yum!  liam shared in the bounty, as always.

look at this clown.

my funny love bugs!

i adore this star.

liam and i in the mouse maze!

~

i am beyond blessed and lucky.  this autumn i'm strongly feeling the abundance of goodness, warmth, love, and growth in my life.

wishing you a monday of renewal, loving hugs and gestures, positivity, and brilliant warm sunlight!

the last flower.

this was the last dandelion i found in a field today.  

ah, lessons.  they never stop do they?  we grow older and older yet there's always more and more to learn.

today i've found, no matter how smart or hip or evolved i think i've become, there's always more improvement, more evolution, more humility to be found.  the growing never ends... as much as i wish it would sometimes!

i can't ever stop watching myself, checking myself, making sure what i'm doing and saying isn't reactive and automated.

being in a relationship is really challenging at times, we all know this.  but i truly think it's worth it, because your mate is pretty much the only person who can point out your shitiness without directly insulting your ego.

that ego!  man, it's tricky.  it's like.. 'hey girl, i'm gone, you're acting out of purity and kindness.'  but, wait ego, no you're still here, telling me what to think.  it'll lie to you.  yep, it will!

anyways, your life partner or best friend can convey that you've done something problematic with just a change in atmosphere, a change in body language and in tone of voice; such a delicate change that only someone close to him or her can sense it.

today i said some things to my mate that left a stagnant and blocked feeling in the room.  he had a vacant look in his face and got quiet.  i immediately knew i caused this.  damn, to be the cause of someone you love's stress- one of the worst feelings in the world.  within 30 minutes i felt bad and apologized, unraveled, and released.

this is why we need people to be close to us- to understand our own programming.  i tell myself pretty much daily to CONTROL, MAKE TIDY, PERFECT, HOLD ON!  i don't see how this affects me and others until it directly effects my daily life.  and today it did.  i felt guilty and responsible for another, an another i love's, pain.

i went on a run with liam after to release some stress i induced from my love's stress.  i found myself annoyed that liam kept stopping our run to pee and sniff stuff.  i got frustrated and yelled at him a little.  we stopped at one of our favorite spots for him to jump in the water and fetch some sticks.  lucky for me, liam's joy is contagious... then an older man came by, and watched liam jump with all his heart from some rocks to get the stick, and let me tell you, this man laughed and twinkled.  he said, "this is just what it's like to be a kid again."

that old man and his words stuck with me for the rest of my run.  i felt bad for getting short with liam, for his being youthful and exploring.  to be a kid again, i don't want to ever forget that we all have within us what it is to be a kid again, to soak up information and use it to grow.

the things i tell myself daily- that i need to be perfect, that i must do everything just right, that i have to have some form of hidden control over things, that i need to accomplish certain events everyday to be happy- these mantras are not true!

these notions are lies, invented by my ego to cope with things in my past.  they don't hold weight anymore.  i'm lucky i have supportive people in my life to love me even when i'm living in a conspiracy theory; and better yet, to point out to me that i'm living in a drama of my own creation!

today, i am slowing letting go.  no, it's not easy.  it's rough and the progress is slow.  but, you know what- that's ok. no one is perfect and i don't want to be perfect.  it's boring and not creative.  so there, ego!  i don't want your rules!

i took a class by elena brower tonight on yogaglo.com and was reminded- our breath can nurture us, sometimes more than anything else.  i'm breathing so deeply right now, breathing into the parts of myself that are clenched and caught up on perfection.  i know that cultivating compassion for myself is the only way i can ever dream of having true compassion for anyone else.

i am still a child.  i have so much to learn about myself and about the world.  and i'm nurtured by this truth.  it is a humiliating truth in a way, and it brings me right back to my roots here on the earth as an organic animal being.

the photo i took above is of the last flower that grew in a field by my house.  as i picked it- and it's not even a flower! it's a weed!- i felt within myself a letting go of summer, a release of obvious beauty and perfection.  things are about to get ugly and cold around here in connecticut, and this is the cycle of life.  nothing is eternally a blossom, everything must die to support future life.

tonight, i don't grieve the death of certain parts of me; but rather i celebrate the space that absence has created for the birth of better things to come... things i haven't even imagined or dreamed of yet...

my sweet friend sarah anne posted this song today, and it was love and release at first listen! 

magic in the woods.


'ello there!

a few weeks ago i had the pleasure of taking some photos with my dear friends corey and laura.

laura and i pretended we were wood nymphs and woodsy yogi beings; while corey kept us smiling and looking good, snapping her typical beautiful photos!  it was awesome!

here are some of my favorites...

all photos c/o corey lynn tucker photography

have a peaceful and joyous evening my dear ones!!  a hug and positive thoughts to YOU :).

being sick is a trip.

c/o vlad

today is a good day! 

everyday of health is a good day.  feeling ill is a sucky, yet eye opening and rejuvenating experience; a completely aware and in the moment way of living for a short time.

most of us get some sort of virus from time to time.  why?  i'm not sure, but i've read in many raw food and alternative health type books that a virus is a cleansing, your body's natural way of detoxing.  i'm not sure where i even heard this, but, something like- we should feel thankful our bodies are strong enough to host this virus, this cleansing and healing event.  we got more 'stomach bugs' when we were young because our bodies were more able to make it through with less struggle.  i used to read a lot of david wolfe's ideas, so it was probably something from one of his books... david's no doctor, but i am a little skeptical of doctor's sometimes because of their lack of education in preventative nutrition and their lobbying by the FDA.

anyways, kinda off topic there, but yeah... i got a nasty lil virus this weekend.  friday afternoon my stomach hurt, friday night fever, saturday puking and more fever, last night more fever fun, and this morning- finally getting better!  woohoo!

laying in bed today doing nothing but resting, drinking carbonated water, and recharging got me thinking: 1. health is so precious and taken for granted, 2. slow down, 3. i don't need to always think about the things i think about everyday!!, and 4. pain keeps us fully immersed in the moment.

so, like everyone else when we get sick, i am so grateful to feel normal and healthy!  oh my gosh- to have an appetite again, to crave food- makes me feel human again... to be able to think about the future in a positive way again, to feel like i can handle what i need to do everyday- prepare food, work, exercise, laugh, create; to feel strength and vitality in my body- this is something i took for granted!  i am amazed and so grateful that my body is able to do what i want it to everyday, and that it works with me and we respect each other.  and yet, there's always room for more respect!  that leads me to my second point: to slow down.

our bodies are organic things, not machines.  we need rest and recharging equally as much as we need work and stimulation and exercise.  i tend to forget this as i am sort of a high energy gal- running everyday, yogaing everyday, working long hours, stressing here and there still, and compromising my health a bit to get what i need done.  this is not ok!!  i've come a long long way in learning to listen and respect my body, but i still have much to learn.  i need downtime and the occasional gentle yoga practice.  so often i practice yoga for a workout- and that's great sometimes- but there has to be a balance.  our health and longevity depend on our body and mind's capability to moderate everything and find enough time for relaxation.  i know americans in particular have this flaw- to work too much and forget how crucial taking it slow is.  today, laying cozy in my bed feverless, i am reminded how fragile our bodies are; and how we must nurture them with gentleness, tranquility, and slower deep breaths.  i vow to dedicate some time out of everyday to slow down and offer moments to listen to where my body is at.

my third thought is i don't need to overthink and rethink and stress!  the past 36 hours i didn't think about anything i normally think about- planning to move in january, i need my mom and dad to move too, will i get my work done fast enough, the purusha orders that are waiting for me, have i ran and yogaed enough today, should i find a way to teach yoga, i need to call this person back, i want to write a children's book, patrick and i need some more time together, i need to go to bed earlier, etc etc a million times over!  silly thoughts- thoughts that don't change reality at all- but rather only lead to my stress and my fears.  they are so useless.  get 'em out of here!  no more- i don't want you thoughts.  this is an easy thing to do when we're in pain, because our minds are already full.. but much harder in normal everyday life.  to rid myself of these thoughts, i need to watch my mind diligently everyday, slow myself, and take those deep breaths of awareness.

my last little notion is about pain.  pain, ughh it sucks, we all know how it hurts.  but with that pain, we get something we rarely achieve without it.  we find awareness of the moment.  yesterday, as i took a hot bath and laid on the bathroom floor, i was nowhere else but there.  my mind wasn't thinking of tomorrow or next month, it was right there with my groans and my chills and my weakness.  i wanted to escape that moment SO badly, but there was nowhere else to go. every time in my life i've felt pain and grief, i've also felt consciousness and timelessness. pain is our reminder that we are temporary beings, and that all we have is now.  

yeah, being sick is a trip!  and a blessing.  i'm SO lucky i'm healthy and that this illness was short.  i'm beyond grateful for today and for the body's incredible ability to heal itself.  it truly feels like a miracle.  and i'm lucky to be reminded that i can always change the way i live my daily life.  some things weren't working for me and i feel now like i'm ready to change.  more time for the slower gentler hayley... she's been last on the list for too long.  i am learning to return to my true self.

today, i will continue resting and taking it oh so easy:  miso, seltzer, a little sunshine, and lots of love and care.

i wish you all much love, light, ease, and health today!  namaste.

c/o aesthetic focus

quick little getaway. 

this weekend patrick and i just wanted to get out of town for a little while.  we headed up to burlington, VT- my old stomping grounds, where i went to college at st. mike's ;).  it was a super short trip, but worth it for our minds' change of perspective.

liam, of course, had an amazing time revisiting his old hometown, and was totally gulping up the fresh nostalgic air. pat and i took him down to lake champlain and to the dog park.  he was in heaven, and remembered it all- exactly how to get to the dog park, and cried when we drove by the places we lived.  liam also loves staying at a hotel with patrick and i; and we get real cozy, the 3 of us, in the king size bed.

i had a great time bringing my love patrick to a place i was before i knew him.  i felt overwhelmed and almost teary eyed driving and walking through town- every little corner conjured up a memory.  i could almost see my gang of friends hanging out the window at jp's bar, see people playing beer pong at this notorious party house on pearl st., or see my friends and i laying out on a blanket in the quad while people played ultimate frisbee.  so much happened in the 5 years i lived in burlington, from age 18-23; really stupid shit and some of the most fun and free high moments of my life were experienced in my first venture from home.  it felt bittersweet to be back as an 'adult', i suppose.

it rained a lot the day we were there, but hey, that's burlington for you.

good stuff: this trip made pat and i super excited and invigorated for our upcoming move out west in january.  we are still young and need to explore and travel!!  i am pumped for the future ! :)

i contemplated the human memory a lot while away.  i've noticed i'm not one to think of the past very often... if anything i plan for the future, and even worry about the future.  i'm in the moment often too definitely, but the past fades from me very easily.  i always thought i had a poor long term memory, but maybe it's because i don't revisit my memories that much.  

just before bed at our hotel room i let my mind go back... back to years ago.  it's hard to believe i first came to burlington 10 years ago.  i was kinda just a little girl child back then, such a different person.  i was naive, more fearless, less grounded, more materialistic, short sighted; yet i felt limitless, immortal, and wild and free.

growing older is so strange, and of course i'm not old yet, but we really don't know and can't understand phases of life until we enter them ourselves on our own time.  pat and i went to the 'bevy', or pearl st. beverage store, right across the street from where i used to live.  we waited in line with a more pricey than usual for us bottle of red, while pretty much everyone else was buying some hard liquor and a mixer.... i looked around at all the young people and felt almost replaced.  time doesn't need you or necessarily remember you.  and the young folk i saw will be replaced with new ones in a few years.  everyday we are entering and exiting from stages of life.

i'm beginning to realize we never quite feel our age!  however, i feel this yearning to return to youth, and this sinking feeling like the door is closed and i'm locked out.  the memories are all i have, and they are so fuzzy now.  my mind and body have been mostly replaced with new cells, so in a way, i really am not the same person i was 10 years ago.  i want to replay those blurry memories in my mind, but i have so much to do today and tomorrow, and i don't care or worry about what i used to.  i can't even imagine what i will feel like once i really am getting older- like old- in my 60's and 70's... will i finally feel old then?  and what will i remember?

what i remembered while away is, it's important to remember where we've come from, how we got here, and where we're going.  taking some time to reach back into my mind for that sentimentality helps me not to forget my life is a journey that won't end until my last breath.  i feel so much gratitude for all the people i've met and loved in my life- especially in burlington- because they've shaped who i am today.  and everyday i love myself and my life more and more.  

namaste my getaway.