80/20

You guys, I finally figured it out!!!! The secret to happiness! Hahaha!! Lalala!!! My work is done!

Just kidding, it's just started. And it's a lot of work. Happiness for me is actually mostly work. It's 80/20. 80% of my time I do things that are hard and I don't want to do, and 20% of the time I can chill. You really would think happiness lies in, well, lying around and vacationing. Of course I live for those things, that's why I work. It's a paradox, life seems to always be that way. You can't have one thing without the other. Too much working = stress and problems in your personal life, too much chill time = regret and laziness. So there's the balance. You kind of have to tell one of the voices in your head to shut up. Yeah, I get it. You don't want to brush your teeth, or put on sunscreen, or dye clothes, or work out, or make yourself 5 meals a day. WHO CARES. Your happiness doesn't care. It will go away if you get lazy or afraid. The instinct to rest, give in to little luxuries, eat sugar and fat and mate with people is there for a reason, but you can't let it become your #1 interest. Work is #1 for me to live and grow into the beautiful being I'm meant to be. Work, by the way, for me is my passion. It's not drudgery (most of the time!); it's my creativity, my discipline, my soul poured out into something physical. I know I'm really fortunate to do what I do, but I see it's become this because of 80/20. Opportunities arise from putting in the time and effort with your whole heart. 

Just keep it up. Keep doing what you love and all is coming. All is coming...

(P.S. Look at me in this photo. LOL. Star Wars tee, 5 finger shoes, fanny pack, big hat, 2 labs... I don't even know what to say about that.)

accepting.

the getty, los angeles

Do you ever have days when the overwhelmingness of being alive makes you feel like you could burst into tears at any moment? Ok, this is totally a woman thing, but I'm sure men have the same thoughts minus the tears.

This morning I woke up and I just felt heavy. But also in a strange way light because I felt... different.

I've been working really hard at positive thinking and making intentions for the past 2 months. Around 5 days a week I sit on my yoga mat, read, write in my journal, and sit in some sort of intention focused meditation with deep breathing. This sounds cliche, but it's dramatically changing my life. I notice my thoughts so much more than I used to, and I remember to focus on a thought or just become present. It's not an easy thing to do, and I honestly think it's impossible without the daily discipline of sitting and meditating. I stretch a little bit usually to get comfortable sitting, but I don't move through too much asana as it distracts my mind.

So I've been feeling good. I am not 'there', I know this. You are never done growing and learning. But overall I feel better about the decisions I make and how I spend my days. I'm facing fears, but taking baby steps to start. As long as I put in the work, the universe will take care of the rest. I control what I sow to an extent (still have a lot to learn), so what I reap are my intentions coming to life. I'm learning (slowly) to let go of expectations and just BE, DO, HAVE. Be what I want, do the work, and then have the beautiful results (good or bad).

This morning I just had a hard time staying positive. It was my birthday this weekend, and I kinda took a vacation from real life. I ate well, got pampered, and let go of my adult responsible life for 2 days. And today I didn't want it to end, ya know? I sometimes miss youth. I know I'm still young of course, but I can no longer disappear on some adventure or let the day take me where it will. I can no longer be ok with making $0. I can't go back to relying on my parents to take care of me. I can't go back to long lazy summer days with Patrick riding our bikes in the Connecticut countryside, hiking, and going to secluded swimming holes. (I also miss the east coast. I miss weather and empty roads and GREEN and family.) I'm an adult now and my work is most of my life at this moment. I can't disappear into days of spontaneity.

I realize everything is better looking at it from a distance, so I understand I wouldn't be happy if I went back. I had no purpose, I felt like a leaf blowing in the wind. It was fun and leisurely but I felt unhappy about not knowing where I wanted to go. As a "grown up woman" of 31 I need to know where I'm going.

This brings me back to why I feel like I could break down into tears very easily today. It's because of the terribly bittersweet reality that we can't move in time. We can't go backwards, we have to be right here. And right here is just as good, if not better than back there! Ironically, someday I'll look back at my living in this tiny studio apartment in Topanga, CA, working my ass off to create a business I believe in, and wish I could try it out again. Just for a little while. Forgetting all about the dissatisfaction and longing for life to move forward faster. Corners become smoothed when some time as passed.

It's impossible to feel happy, optimistic, and light everyday. We would become machines if we could master our emotions so well. I'm glad to evolve personally in my thinking, but I'm not mad that today I just feel a little sad. It will pass. And hey, some of the best creativity and art comes from times of high emotion. I'm going to go channel my spirit into making some clothing.

May you feel your true self coming through today.

our afternoon at the beach.

Sunday afternoon was Patrick and I's 7th anniversary and Easter so we figured we'd better head on down to Malibu and enjoy our love and the sunshine. Going to the beach with two labs- one being under the age of 1- makes for a very non-relaxing beach day, that's for sure! We just play play play the whole time. And I kinda wouldn't want it any other way. There's nothing like seeing Liam run full speed into the water and run his quick turn fast circles on the shore, fully blind and all. People don't believe us when we say he's blind. ;) Of course Byron thinks Liam is just the coolest too swimming with the waves. Byron's still afraid of the water, but much braver than last time. He swam for the first time, looking as unnatural as possible. We basically have kids, Patrick and I. They hijacked our day! When the time comes to have kids I think we'll be really prepared. Thanks dogs! But seriously, I feel so full and complete with my guys. I'm a lucky lady.

beyond positive thinking.

I've been working pretty hard recently on my positive thinking. And actually trying to go beyond positive thinking and into reality thinking. Each morning last week I read and meditated on my thoughts, on what I believe is my world. Life is only what we are conscious of, we experience what we are convinced is real. That's why we are all different. The world is actually the same, we're for the most part anatomically identical as humans, but how we view life allows the world to be different for each of us.

I kinda got to the point where I was just feeling fed up with floating along, allowing my emotions to guide me blindly. Waking up, checking email, spending time on social media... Getting jealous, stressing out on work, comparing myself to others, wishing I had more or was further along. Just feeling bad often. It's a scientific fact that we remember negative experiences more deeply than positive ones, so it's truly going to be a daily effort for the rest of my life to not let the bad stuff pull me under without me even noticing. You have to put the time in on the mind, just like I put the time in each day to exercise my body. Because, I just really want to feel good. Plain and simple, it's time to feel good.

The mind is SO powerful, and the universe is neutral. It will all flow on with or without me. I can choose to go down the river of life crying and worrying, or I can go down it with health and abundance. We receive only what we believe we are worthy of. The river is always there with as much or as little water as we accept we deserve.

The subconscious mind exists to make the conscious mind right. It doesn't question if something is true or not, it just follows instructions from the conscious mind. If I don't even realize what my conscious mind is thinking about on a daily basis, how can I begin to change my life from the inside out? If my conscious mind tells my self I can't do something, my subconscious will seek justification and ignore opportunities to make it otherwise.

In words this stuff just seems like common sense, but it's hands down the absolute hardest thing to do. This is why I adore characters like Darth Vader, and my Dad. (Haha, because they're so alike!) But seriously, to change the very foundation of who you are, and drop beliefs you once held so strongly because you understand changing will lead you to a life that's free... Well, that's a miracle. Rewiring your mind is nothing short of a miracle. It's uncomfortable, it's a lot of work, it makes you face parts of yourself you'd just rather bury.

But you get to the point where your view of the world is hurting more than it will hurt you to change. It's the craziest thing, but if you just start telling yourself who you want to be, you can become it. Each day I say to myself,

"It's like me to laugh easily."
"It's like me to support all the people around me in whatever they're doing, and not judge where someone else is on their journey."
"It's not like me to compare myself to others."
"It's like me to love instinctively and not worry if I get it back."

At first when I told myself things I thought were lies, like too good to be true, I just laughed. But say something enough times, and you start to see that you like it. You like this person and want to be her. You believe in her, and your subconscious begins seeking opportunities to validate this lovely person.

The key though is daily discipline. I have to keep this up and never look back. I'm not looking back.

IT'S GOOD TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Business is really hard. I can already tell that if I knew how hard it was to do this from the start, I probably wouldn't have began at all. It's good to be naive. And man do I sure feel like I've been naive. 

I'm changing a lot with my business. I've made some mistakes, but I'm proud to say I correct my mistakes pretty fast once I realize them. So that's good, right? One big change for purusha is, we're going to begin producing our more popular styles in an ethical factory in LA, and eventually have everything made "out there". I've found sewing in house to be too costly, timely, and not as perfect as I'd like. Perhaps once the brand has grown bigger I'll go back to having my own factory, but for now it's just not sustainable. This is a pretty big deal, as one of my big dreams for purusha has been to have my own merry sunlit factory. But you know what? In business you have to change your mind. You have to evolve and do what makes the most sense for the livelihood of your business. purusha comes first, and if it's not healthy, how can I employ people? I can't. Producing in a factory will even allow me to lower the cost of my pants, which would be pretty fabulous.

I've been dyeing, screen printing, and overseeing the sewing of my clothing for the past- geez it's been SO long!- almost 5 years! How crazy is that? I am 100% ready to leave the production of my clothing to the experts, and focus on what I think I'm much better at- growing purusha, managing, and designing and branding. That's the kind of stuff I'm excited to wake up for. And leaving production to the pros will just allow purusha to have better products. It's a win win.

Another cool thing about not producing in house is I can turn my factory into a design space/show room where I can meet with buyers and host little purusha events. It could be really cool.

So that's where I'm at right now. My mantras recently have been 'It's good to change your mind.' and 'I'm excited' (not nervous). I can honestly say I'm excited to take purusha in this new direction. It's time!

moon phases.

last week was just obnoxiously full. full moon, full challenges, full schedule. i'm not one to really believe in zodiac stuff or moon phases to affect my life (i think it's fun to talk about and pretend though!), but hot damn! enough full moon!!! patrick and i felt like we were just living in a constant spotlight where we couldn't get any relief.

we love our new pup byron, of course we do. he's just such a handful. it's been so long since liam was little, i sorta forgot how much work a puppy is. he wakes us up ridiculously early by batting our hair like a cat. (he sleeps on the pillows behind our heads. haha, he's a strange one.) byron puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. he bites me hard! he makes me take him outside late night to pee when the moon is the fullest, and i don't realize how stupidly bright it is outside and i'm not wearing pants and of course neighbors are outside on the bench talking and i just try to pull my tee shirt down and act like it's a dress (?) while i'm chasing a puppy around talking about pee and poop.

i'm also participating in the whole life challenge  with a bunch of awesome women at my gym. last week was the first week of 8 where we cut out gluten (another thing i don't believe in for myself, i think gluten free is a fad diet unless you seriously have celiac disease, but that's another blog.), dairy except yogurt, sugar, alcohol, and make sure to exercise and stretch and drink enough water everyday. i feel really good, but i also feel challenged. it's nice to switch up your life a bit and try something new, but i miss pizza. haha! i can tell this will all be so worth it once the 8 weeks are up. 

oh yeah! and i took my first barre class last week! it was super fun and hard! i signed up for a month trial at exhale, so i'm going to whore myself out to all kinds of barre and yoga classes. haha, again, nice to do something different and challenge my body and mind.

and purusha work is just a neverending journey. not complaining in the 'effin slightest (!), but man, running your own business is 24/7. i eat sleep and breath active wear. it's an obsession. working on getting my clothing factory ready and dyed and printed not in house, setting up an ambassador program, making new designs, getting purusha in more stores and having sales reps... oooh it's a lot!

the full moon is pretty though, and the fullness of the challenges in my life right now are a gift. one cool thing with byron waking me up all the time was i got to see that crazy moon in so many ways; directly overhead and beaming down on me, or just about to set on the horizon as the sun is rising. i like to be able to see my life too from these many angles and perspectives. i appreciate the waning and the relief all the more.

color!

pantone's color of the year is radiant orchid!

i'm a little torn on pantone and this whole "color of the year" thing. part of me is like, why does some boardroom of people get to decide what colors are "in" this year? but then part of me just loves color, all colors, and i think this is totally fun. i bought my pantone color book for dyeing and printing a month ago, and i find myself constantly inspired when i open it. it's like the ultimate book of paint swatches! there aren't too many colors i don't like. {ok i don't like army green or lime green.} and i gotta say i LOVE radiant orchid. colors are so therapeutic. when i see this shade of violet i feel mellow, yet excited, warm, in love, and beautiful. what do you feel? do you want to see some radiant orchid in purusha this year? i do! hehe! one thing i love about designing clothing, even something as simple as active wear, is the never ending inspiration. it's limitless. i re-fall in love with images, feelings, styles, and colors everyday. 

our new pup!

this weekend we got out baby byron the second! boy are we in love (and hate! haha!).  he's a cute little angel when he's sleepy, but when he wakes up he's a big devil! he's got this look in his eye that says... 'i'm going to fuck shit up dudes!!!' and he will. i forgot what it was like to have a puppy since liam was one 8 years ago. i forgot how hard it is. poor little guy doesn't know much and just wants to take the entire world in his mouth. literally. he sleeps a lot, plays hard, pees everywhere, and his voice is like some sort of baby ewok. everyday i feel like he's growing too! so much going on in that little body. byron and liam are fast becoming good buds! they play with their toys so nicely together. liam is a total saint- not jealous, happy to share his house and our love, and he even shares his prize bone with byron. we have 2 pretty good boys on our hands. seriously, i could forgo kids and collect a pack of labs. i love my guys! 

speaking of babies, my best friend is having a baby!!!! a human one! i'm soooo beyond excited for her! love you christa!!

hope you all are well and surrounded by love as we enter into 2014. happy new year!

a new trail.

here i am on sunday evening finishing up on orders before taking a christmas break this week. i went on the most beautiful hike today with liam. the weather today was at about the temperature when you feel just completely alive. not too hot or cold, with just the right amount of sun and wind. i drank it in, taking deep breaths and trying my best to stay present while witnessing my thoughts.

i've been taking a break from the internet. for some people it inspires them and drives them, but more often than not for me it brings me down and zaps my creativity. if i go on instagram too much or just surf blogs and pinterest i begin to feel like a zombie with low self esteem. i blindly compare myself with others and doubt who i am. i wish for more 'followers' (like anyone will remember 100 years from now how many followers you had on social media!) and get excited when i get a bunch of 'likes'. it really is quite like being a drug addict, where you need your fix every few hours of the day. i quit facebook which has helped tremendously, but obviously my pride and joy- my purusha- needs to have an internet presence.

so this is where balance and moderation comes in. for me, it's somewhat easier to quit cold turkey than to discipline myself to moderate. but it must be done, and it's being done. i post what i need to post and let go. i am noticing the urge to check my phone, and seeing i don't have to. and now that i've found i'm happier without constant internet stimulation it's getting easier to continue. you just follow your joy. my joy is not waiting for me on instagram. it's in a good book, it's in my journal, it's in a hike, it's in a cup of chamomile tea with honey and lemon, it's in a daydream. it's funny, i kinda have to revert back to the me of 2007. when i didn't have a job, lived with my parents in my childhood bedroom where i painted the walls golden orange, spent my days painting and writing poetry, listened to a lot of joni mitchell and van morrison, didn't even own a computer, and when i met my love patrick. creativity flowed boundlessly.

though i sometimes yearn for what was, i can't go back to those carefree days. and everything good appears heavenly when you're looking back at it, doesn't it? so this is now. i just want to take the best bits of me from back then and remember how it felt to be constantly inspired. i'm excited to celebrate the holidays and remember that taking a few steps back often brings you to a new trail you never noticed before.

the leader.

oh mama! i'm finally starting to catch my breath. the past 4 weeks or so have been sort of insane for me. just non-stop work. and stress. and tiredness. pretty common territory for running your own business though, don't you think?

i really had no idea that moving into our new studio space would be so complicated. buying sewing machines, hiring a new person, actually working with the people i hire (not working from our separate homes!), trying to maximize our production capacities, out sourcing our dyeing and printing, and actually becoming a BOSS... it's all so new. it's required me to stay on my toes and act fast when problems arose. i think i'm doing a decent job of it. or at least i tell myself this. you have to. pep talks and mantras like "i am powerful" and "i love to meet challenges" have become a ritual for me as i make the commute to work. i've always prided myself on being an awesome employee, that's all i've ever known. but to be an awesome boss, damn it's a trip. it's a journey to get to that head space, and to realize you have all the power. obviously not in a sick way, but in a way that makes you own it. i have to be more confrontational than i'm comfortable with, and not worry all the time about being liked and being the nicest person in the world. you just have to get the job done and be the leader.

i think the idea of becoming a leader has been the hardest part for me. making lists and plans and organizing, that's all good. but to be the foundation, the rock that supports the whole business, it's going to take a little more development than 4 weeks. i know this is just the beginning. i've been trying to channel some people i've worked for in my life that i've respected. they weren't my best friend, they made sure to correct me when i did something wrong (but didn't act like a dick about it), they complimented me when i did something right, and believed i was capable of good work. i want to be one of them. 

i think i can.

invitations.

this has definitely been the longest i've gone without blogging in a lonnng time. busyness and business. sometimes life just takes you for a ride, doesn't it? and days fly by as you work like a little worker bee. last night i had the honor and pleasure of hanging out with some awesome new girlfriends!!! let me tell you, girl time is so therapeutic, and with a demanding work schedule, i sometimes forget that i need that time. i am grateful for beautiful feminine energy last night that pulled me in and reminded me of who i am and who i strive to be. i'm a really really lucky person (sick of me saying that yet?!), but sometimes i just can't believe it and i get scared of losing my luck, or something. my default mind often goes to worry and worst case scenario, out of habitual experience from traumas in my past, and it truly is a conscious struggle to rewire myself. but i keep working on it all... opening myself to the invitations life offers me, and constantly striving to create new memories that are positive, so i can realize maybe there isn't such a thing as luck. maybe you create your own blessings by being open, doing what scares you, and sharing yourself and your love freely. namaste.