the beach.

this weekend patrick, liam, and i took a little weekend getaway to santa barbara. it truly was heavenly. the weather was perfect, the people we love were inspiring, and the time to relax was just what i needed! we ate well, laughed a lot with my sister and friends, got massages (!), and played at the beach. i couldn't imagine a more perfect way to de-stress and take a short break from life. aaaah :) and now i feel recharged and happy to get back to work! oh yay! and namaste.

thoughts early this morning.

i just woke up a little over an hour ago. with this overwhelming sense of LUCK. like god damn i'm lucky to be myself in america with the education, the ability, and the opportunity to live my dreams. i'm trying to keep my life stress free and positive, but can't help but get caught up in the awe that i even have a chance to keep stresses and bad stuff away from my days.

i set the tone to my day when i read this article this morning. it's awful, painful, and just plain unfair. i somewhat understand that life isn't fair {that doesn't stop me from wishing otherwise}, but c'mon now i just can't believe where i live with so much opportunity, others live with so much struggle and despair. one woman in the rana plaza garment factory collapse is about my age, and has a broken leg and is going blind from the stampede to get out of the building. not to mention that perhaps she had family and friends that died in the disaster. and to further add insult to injury, she can't afford her medical bills. most of the brands involved in the collapse are taking no responsibility.

perhaps i'm super naive, but i just don't understand as a business owner the ability to ignore the bad shit your company does. big brands run the world, they have shareholders to respond to, and most likely they can shrug off responsibilities to the people that work below them. we've heard this before, but with great money comes great responsibility. business owners literally have the power to change the world with their practices. it's like having the super power of the jedi! but many people take that power to the dark side. there's seemingly more money to be made with the sith. sad face.

i'm obviously not claiming to be more virtuous than the common person. oh my gosh, we all have our faults. i think it's just because i make clothing that i give a ton of thought to the garment industry. my extensive research has turned me into a clean clothes crusader in my own life, and in a way i struggle with wanting to share this information within my brand. of course i don't want to tell you how to live, and i sure as hell don't want to preach to you and make anyone feel that i'm looking down on them. i can't deny that it's easy to purposefully forget everything i know when i see the perfect dress i've been wanting that's been made in bangladesh.

so i think the best thing i can do is keep sharing my gratitude for all that i have, and keep making clothing i believe in. it's good to be educated and inspect where our money is going {now more than ever as big businesses just get bigger}, but it's probably better to just focus on what's good and put your money towards businesses that are in line with your morals. i plan on writing another post soon about how to afford these ethical brands. {in short, just buy less. easier said than done!}.

i suppose that's enough of my rant for today. anyone who reads my blog, i kinda feel like you're my close friend or family, so i really do feel honored to share my inner dialogue with you. 

hope your day is beautiful. so grateful for my great luck in life that i can write and express myself, go for a walk with my dog, and perhaps feel a little like a jedi. ;) namaste.

taking stock.

happy friday! today i was inspired by my favorite blog, the daybook, who was inspired by pip from meet me at mike's! this is just a fun little thingy to update my blog with where i am in my life right now :) so here goes!

Making : clothes! ha, what a surprise, right? i'm constantly dyeing and screen printing and dreaming up new designs.
Cooking : kombucha- not really cooking. but tonight i'll probably be cooking some sort of pasta with seafood and a giant salad.
Drinking : tulsi holy basil rose tea. right this second! it's getting cooler out and i just LOVE it. winter is the best in topanga- cozy to the extreme! fog rolls in at night and burns off mid morning. we live in a cloud!
Reading: to die for: is fashion wearing out the world? by lucy siegle. most mind blowing and eye opening book about fashion i've ever read.
Wanting: our puppy! we're getting a puppy at the end of next month to be a companion and seeing eye dog to liam. we can't wait! it feels like we're having a baby!
Looking: at my 2 boys, liam and patrick, and thinking i am one lucky and blessed person.
Playing: practicing jiu jitsu with patrick. he makes me "roll" with him, and it's very funny.
Wasting: time at night. i am pretty hooked on the game 'where's my water' on my ipad. i can't stop!
Sewing: tags on clothing.
Wishing: that patrick and i would get married soon. this winter. hint hint! ;) i just wanna call him my husband, that's like the whole reason i want to do it. lol.
Enjoying: a glass of rosenthal wine before dinner after my work's done. while watching mad men.
Waiting: to order my new screen printing press and relocate my work area to this sweet open air spot on our landlord's property. it's gonna be soooo awesome and much more efficient!
Liking: minimalism and simplifying life- less on the to do list, more room for spontaneity.
Wondering: where i'll find the perfect wool for new yoga pants to sell in my shop!
Loving: my body. for real. this is the first time in my life i've begun to really accept my body and love it for what it is.
Hoping: i'll get all my work done today and not have to work too much this weekend.
Marveling: how powerful attention to breathing is. focusing on deep full breaths, and suddenly i am the most chill person.
Needing: to do a nice long relaxing yoga session today. probably on yogaglo.
Smelling: my lust solid perfume by LUSH.
Wearing: magenta purusha leggings, one of patrick's t-shirts, and a purusha hoodie :)
Following: the same 2 routes everyday on liam and i's walks and runs.
Noticing: there's a tree in our yard that acts just like new england trees. it's changing color and leaves are falling.
Knowing: that if i refuse to give up, my dreams will come true.
Thinking: of how much i have to do today. and how exciting it is to mail out orders to people. it's like being santa.
Bookmarking: the only place i could find iron & wine's live itunes exclusive EP on the internet. the version of sodom, sotuh georgia on there is the most romantically sad song i've ever heard. {http://grooveshark.com/#!/album/Live+Session+iTunes+Exclusive+EP/7067586}
Opening: my mind up to be less reactive. so not to think in habitual ways, but take each new experience for what it is- new. and it requires a new reaction.
Giggling: about how liam finds himself in weird places in the house from time to time. trapped under the kitchen table, or stuck between the piano bench and the piano. he just stands there until we solve it for him!
Feeling: grateful. so grateful. my life is really beautiful and love filled. it seems to just get better and better. 

wool! {and a little hemp too!}

maybe it's ireland that's lingering in my veins, but i am kinda fascinated and thrilled by the idea of wool right now. no not itchy bulky wool, but organic superfine merino wool and shetland wool, with perhaps a touch of spandex. {i might be addicted to spandex.}

a lot of people will ask me, 'what fabric is the most earth and people friendly?' and the answer is pretty complicated. when we humans create something, a product, there is always a foot print. organic cotton requires massive amounts of water from countries where people are starving, bamboo and tencel and modal require chemicals to dissolve the wood pulp, and nylon is non-biodegradable and produces dangerous greenhouse gases. not to mention all these fibers require petroleum to be processed into their fabric form. 

hemp is one fabric that is really environmentally friendly, but the fabric is a bit stiff and doesn't hold vivid colors well unless blended with other fibers. i would actually love to use hemp, but i feel like brighter colors and super soft fabrics are a key ingredient in yoga/lounge clothing. what do you think? are you down with the hemp? :) i just orderd some hemp blend swatches, so we'll see what happens! {perhaps a hemp blog post in the near future. hehe!}

but for now, back to wool. some facts : wool requires no petroleum for production or finishing. it's biodegradable {can return to the earth and decompose quickly}, sheep herds on grassland can provide nutrients to soil, fibers are sustainable as sheep are shorn annually, and if you are buying organic wool there are no synthetic pesticides being used on the pasture lands. plus, wool is the ultimate wicking fabric- the fibers 'breathe' by pushing away moisture from the body and releasing it into the air, it's wrinkle resistant, it's colorful as it absorbs dye easily with no chemicals, and it has great temperature control- keeping you warm in cold temps and cool in warm temps. 

and a big deal for the long term wear of the garment- the fibers are so soft. we all want to do our part to buy consciously and support brands we believe in, but i think #1 you have to be in love with the product itself. for me that means it's gotta be super soft, stylish without being overly trendy, and did i mention super soft? for real though, i notice myself putting on what i find most comfortable against my skin, and these are the pieces i hang on to over time. they don't get donated to goodwill. 

so i'm on the hunt for some awesome wools. the perfect wools for t-shirts and lounge/yoga pants. preferably i would like to find some rare breed sheep wools {a lot of sheep have become endangered as we are using less kinds of sheep for wool production. by bringing back rare breeds, we allow for diversity and therefore ecological resilience.}, but as a small clothing company, i have to start with what i can and hope for these bigger better things when the time and money allows.

i'll keep y'all posted on the wool progress, and post as i test out some fabrics and some designs! xo!

my new #1 dream.

hello my dear friends! how are you?! oh my gosh, i've missed you! i've missed sharing my thoughts, creating, imagining, dreaming, and even working. last week i was in dublin, ireland with my parents {i'll be posting a merry little blog about it this week!} for a very relaxing vacation. let me tell you, i really needed a break. isn't it just so healthy to take time away from your everyday life? and open yourself up to new surroundings, new people, and a new state of mind? i can honestly say i didn't think about clothing, designs, or business once while on my trip. in american culture where we are driven very intensely by work, it is such a sweet surrender to fully be present in a new environment, and let go of any stresses or thoughts of money and business.

which leads me to my new perspective on life! seriously, this is a BIG change for me. i've decided to reorder my priorities. money and work are no longer my #1 concern in life. it's kinda funny writing that out, because i don't think i even realized that i allowed these things to take precedence over everything else. my new #1 is no stress, just love. when i was in ireland i had zero stress. i mean, that's easy to do when you're not working and exploring a foreign country, but i think it took me going away to understand that feeling stress free is enlightening. and possible. living well is for the present moment, not for some distant time in the future when all the work is done, ya know?

i'm not going to be afraid or feel guilty about living a life of relaxation and ease. of course i will still work hard on purusha, but i'm not going to let anything about it stress me out. what's the point in living each day with unnecessary struggles and strife? this morning a few bumps in the road came up while i was working- problems with opening a business bank account, and perhaps a missing check in the mail... and i noticed my adrenalin started rising and my mindset turned to aggression and resistance. in a sick way, my brain kinda got off on it, like it was happy to have it's chemical fix of frustrations, as it usually did. but my vacation mind was just like 'hellll no. let's no go there. i like being chill.' so i didn't. i did some yoga and breathed it out.

it's unrealistic i know to think you can keep the 'on a vacation' goggles on, with life always handing you lemons and lost checks and plenty of work looming. but i don't want my body and mind to be a victim to living. i want the way i live to nourish me, taking enough time everyday to be present and just enjoy. and not feel like work is how i should be spending much of my life. as long as i can pay my bills and live a modestly delicious life, i'll be happy. i'm not letting go of big dreams for purusha, but at the same time i feel this releasing of my desire for more. like, i'm ok with what the universe gives me. finding peace today is my #1 dream.

i have everything i need right here, and all i have to do is relax into it and find i can go on a vacation in my mind for a moment anytime i like.

him.

i'm feeling heartbroken. i know it could be worse, it could be better.. blah blah blah. but i just feel terribly emotional. this weekend is appears to us that liam lost quite a bit more vision. it basically happened overnight. thursday, liam and i went hiking with a friend and her dog and he was his usual slightly clumsy self, but he could manage a hike without a leash. sunday morning patrick and i noticed liam had a hard time finding where to step off the bed, which we thought was weird, but also thought maybe he was disoriented from just waking up? we took him on a hike and it was nuts. like he could barely walk the trail. and today i took liam on a run with a leash and liam couldn't keep up. he circled around and behind me, clearly confused and scared about not knowing where he was. he couldn't even find his friend adele's house like he usually can. when i called his name it took a while for his eyes to find me, if they did at all. i came home after our run and just bawled. i'm trying to be strong and keep things happy for liam, but i can't help but feel a little devastated.

so this afternoon we took liam to the opthamologist just to check why his vision decreased so rapidly, and be sure there wasn't anything besides PRA wrong. the doctor's were super kind to us, and luckily there isn't any neurological damage or anything, all they could really tell us was he has advanced degeneration in his retina. like we already know. i'm just kinda in shock at how much our baby boy has changed within only 36 hours. man, am i missing that 30% vision he once had. the doctor told us things will get easier once liam adjusts and realizes he can't see, so he'll start using his other senses more to move around... but right now i gotta say it's really really painful for me to watch. he's still trying to see.

i know liam is going to be just fine. he's still happy, though confused, it's just silly little me that's feeling pretty low. today i bought the book 'living with blind dogs'. in a way i just kinda hoped and believed that liam would never go blind. i didn't think i would have to buy a book on living with a blind dog. ouch. it hurts right now.

i had to help liam go outside this evening, putting him in this little dirt spot he lays in sometimes, and i watched as he just stayed there... and realized he was planning on staying there until i helped him out. normally we keep the front door open and liam steps outside and sits as he pleases, but today he couldn't do it without our help. that's the hardest part, seeing that he can't be independent, and go roll in the dirt or find a stick on his own.

i guess all i can do is wait for time, time will heal me. and liam's already healed. ha most of what he cares about is food! and hugs and walks.. and those things aren't going anywhere. it feels a little like mourning today... you know that feeling like it might be, hopefully could be?, a dream? speaking of dreams, i just lost it a little while ago thinking that liam can only see now in his dreams. waahhhh. my heart.

more than anything i feel just this sense of finality. there's nothing that can be done, and being sad longer than necessary doesn't do a thing. so i cry, buy a book on blind dogs, and move on. deep breaths. liam is still here with us, in no pain, and smiling. that's all that matters.

surrounded by beauty.

photos by katie adelsberger. modeling by lauren york.

i am just SO blown away with these incredible photos from our recent shoot for the night call collection. above are some of my favorites, but if i could put up all 260 photos in a blog post without being obnoxious, oh i surely would! i feel like the luckiest girl in the world that i have the BEST photographer and model to work with. katie and lauren, i love you sooooo much!!!! thank you with all my heart for creating such beauty with me. i really feel completely honored to work with these immensely talented women. gosh darn it! i can't wait to work with these ladies many many times to come. aww i'm all warm inside. :)

comfort in fear.

photo : www.katieadelsberger.com

the past few days i've been a little fed up with myself. i've gotten to the point where i'm just really sick of feeling scared, nervous, and anxious. it doesn't feel good, obviously, so i just want it out of my life. out. it's time. not that i feel these negative emotions all the time, but they do keep me from being the complete person i know i can be.

on saturday night i went with patrick to a toastmaster's party. toastmaster's is a public speaking club that patrick belongs to. so basically my worst nightmare. ha. everyone in the group is SO so incredibly nice and welcoming, and of course they all say i must join. at first i just thought in my head 'hell no. i can't do it.' over and over again as these kind folks talked to me about how toastmaster's changed their lives. one super sweet woman that designs lingerie told me about how she hosts fashion seminars, where different designers speak on their area of expertise, and she asked me if i wanted to speak about how to start your own brand and sell online. a small part of me whispered from some dusty untapped part of my brain 'yes'. today, i've noticed that voice is getting louder. i'm seeing there's this part of me i don't really know yet, this brave and strong person that someone got punched down and silenced by the fear bully. the fear in me typically yells so loud i can't even hear anymore that's it not who i am, that it's not the only voice in my head.

maybe you have to get to this point, where you are just so freakin' tired of believing yourself to be a certain way... like 'oh, i'm so shy, i have nervous energy, i'm a meek person.' these stories just aren't holding up for me anymore, they're not working with the person i want to be. i'm just going to stop letting what scares me lead my life. i'm joining toastmaster's and we'll see what happens. no pressure, but i'm 30 years old now and kinda don't want to hold onto a belief about myself that i established when i was 14 years old, ya know? it's just lame.

so that's that. time to leave this prison of fear. i wouldn't even call it my comfort zone anymore, it's getting so uncomfortable that it feels worse to stay as i am. it's like i need to find that there's comfort in doing what's scary, because there's no better feeling than silencing the lies in your mind and doing what you know you're fully capable of doing. 30 years, it's go time. 

don't fear what's dark.

isn't this such a pretty hike liam and i get to go on? it's right down the street from my house, and it's just beautiful. the other day we hiked it, and i should have been happy and upbeat, it was a gorgeous day... but some days it just seems your mind gets drawn to the dark side. in a way, i think it's healthy to go there, and not be afraid of it. because once you go inside what's dark you see you have to accept it all in order to be here on this planet. it can't be all good, all positivity, all sunshine all the time. the earth exists because of balance- dark and light, high tide and low tide, full moon and new moon, happiness and sadness. there will always be the opposite.

one thing i was really getting down about was liam's ever fading vision. sometimes i just shortly dwell on how much he's changed in even the last year as his vision declines. {liam has PRA, a genetic degenerative eye disease that usually is a slow progression to blindness.} like, walking up steps and me directing him up steps now is a big accomplishment. after our teamwork getting up those stairs on the trail we celebrate! with yay! go puppy boy! good work! and silly/trite as it is, i feel bad we are celebrating going up stairs, when a year or 2 ago liam was jumping off rocks to fetch sticks in water. no way could he find a stick now.

after a little battling with myself about feeling sad {you know, thinking it could always be worse, these are 1st world problems, we don't have cancer, etc etc}, i decided to stop fighting it and just let my mind go there. it's ok to give things that are sad your sadness. why belittle what's so blatantly getting you down? i let my mind go back to when liam could see, and compared him to now, and just watched my mind rewind itself to memories of the past 8 years together... i came to the realization, or the remembrance, that to love someone is to love all of them. not only the parts of them that are beautiful and easy, but also what's wrong and broken. because what's broken in liam, his eyes, has been programmed within him his whole life. this is who liam is. without liam's blindness {i often don't even want to put those words together- liam and blindness. like if i speak it, all his vision will be gone. not just 70%.}, i wouldn't have this love bug that likes to sleep in with me, listens and tilts his head with more attention than anyone's ever given me in their life {!}, wags his tail when he hears me laugh, loves showing off his big bone, and well i could just go on and on. i love everything about liam, therefore i have to love his damaged eyes.  and with this disability we have grown SO close {probably too close! lol.}, and we communicate so intuitively with each other, it's kinda magical. 

don't fear what's dark. more and more i've come to find understanding and peace within this giant spectrum of existence. it's all a part of being alive. ha, come to think of it, without the ultimate darkness- death- we wouldn't have life. this whole shebang is a giant paradox, and we each contain what's dark and what's light. 

may we continue to have the courage to face all of it, and never stop loving the journey. namaste.

new dress.

hello! how are you?

this weekend patrick, liam, and i had a date :). we needed a reason for me to wear my new dress! this dress is my very first piece of "designer" clothing. it's by missoni. i've been admiring their stuff for a long while now, and i didn't have to spend a fortune on it! {ha i couldn't have anyways ;)}. i got it from this sweetly addictive site called shop-hers, where girls can basically set up shop and sell there new or gently worn designer clothing with awesome mark downs. this pretty silk dress was a steal, aaah i jut love it! 

on saturday we all went to the blue table in calabasas, one of our favorite european style casual but charming lunch spots, where we love to get a bottle of wine, paninis, and a yummy cookie. my dress made me feel like a sophisticated woman, let me tell you. i love how special clothes can make you feel like a different person, it's so cool.

then we headed to home depot. yes, home depot. because i've been wanting to get some new plants and pot them. on the way into the store, liam on his leash charging forward in excitement, patrick playfully started making fun of me... all dressed up in my missoni about to get down and dirty in the plants section with a yellow lab. {by the way, more errands to places like staples and rite aid followed. very glamorous, i know.} somehow purusha and work and errands seem to seep into most of our dates... even the conversation inevitably goes to my business often, and brainstorming new ideas. patrick is such a beautiful man though, he always listens, cares, and gives me his input. he's like my consultant.

anyways, that was my saturdee, and it sure was nice! sunday was mostly fun work, planning for purusha's fall line photo shoot this week! i am SOOO excited to share everything!

love you all! namaste.

my huge ego.

i wish i had some sort of pretty/cool picture of myself to share here, but my heart just hasn't been in it. blogging is weird. i blog for myself because i basically get to have a memoir of my life documented here {which is pretty neat}, but i also know i have a few readers, so i feel like i have to blog about what people want to read and see.

lately though i've been feeling just a whole lot of 'i don't care.' not that i don't think things matter, but more like i'm letting go of results and expectations. it's a really really hard thing for me to do. but i've been feeling this call to strip down my ego. i am totally embarrassed to say this {damn ego again! eh hem, who cares!}, but my ego is ginormous. and the way my ego manifests itself, i'm not cocky or overly confident, instead my large ego is very fragile and wants to stay in one piece at all times. it doesn't want to put hayley out there, try new scary things, or take a chance on making a fool of me. it cares a lot about what people i don't know think, and bases my emotions on responses or lack of responses i get to my words, my actions, and my work. my ego really holds this person hayley back from trying things. for example, playing music with patrick. patrick is helping me learn how to play piano, and learn how to "jam". when you play random notes, you have to not give a shit what it sounds like. or else you're just crippled, and will never realize your creative potential. 

so i'm working on this. i'm working on creating, trying, and exploring without worrying about the outcome and caring about what people say or don't say. i love patrick {among millions of reasons} because he isn't afraid of looking silly. that's what i want. i want to to be hayley, without this barrier of analyzation keeping me from my authentic self. it is SO difficult.

what do you do to deflate your ego? i would love some help :).

deep breaths! thank you. namaste.