rewriting.

Hi! It's been awhile. Time has gone by so quickly recently, don't you think? Our "puppy" Byron turns 1 in a week- where did the past year go?! And with the holidays coming up... man! It will be January in a few breaths!

I've really been watching myself become myself as of late. It's kinda a rough ride, this discovering who you are and allowing yourself to be it. Maybe it's because I'm getting older (and hopefully wiser!), but I've been taking my time with my thoughts and I haven't really wanted to share them all with the world (ie this lil' blog I guess). It's felt really good to have sort of a private life, life pre-internet like. Almost hard to remember huh! But such a big outlet for me for years has been this blog. And I feel a little sad it's been sort of abandoned. I'm nostalgic, and afraid I'll regret quitting documenting my life in my 20's and now 30's.

Like most people, I have some thoughts, and I suppose realizations, that are not all things are share-able. Or you share these things with people you know and love only. Not that I don't love you that is reading this, but it's nice to reserve some parts of yourself for yourself. It feels healthy to not "put on a show", something that feels inevitable with social media. You end up sharing only the pretty and good stuff and act like your life is just the best. I don't feel like branding Hayley's life anymore.

I've been rewriting my story of who I think I am. I sure hope this is a permanent position for me, but in accepting myself, my jealousy of other's lives has almost completely diminished. That has been a struggle of mine, to not compete and want what others have and think it will be good for me. I'm seeing I am suited for the things I do each day because of my differences. My "flaws" and ugly/dorky/boring stuff are what have put me on my path. And I am growing to love the path I chose. So I have to love all of me, and be it 100%. It's brought me this far.

Maybe I'll feel inspired to blog more again someday. I should probably have a Purusha blog that features clothes and yoga and stuff, but I'm thinking I might make that into a newsletter. We'll see. Til next time... ? x.

dork alert

I go MIA on my blog for months and this is the first post I "write". LOL! But seriously, when I want to get pumped up and not live passively I turn this on. Gets me every time. Funny picture huh? Little white girl that makes yoga clothing trying to rap along with Eminem. It's ridiculous. Happy Friday!

I want to blog again, so I'm gonna post soon :) x

no such thing as a perfect being.

my handwriting is really shitty

Every now and then I let my mistakes cloud my current opportunities. I just moved into a little office here on the property we rent. I was really scared to do it, almost scared to grow. Because last time I went out on a limb and moved into my own space it failed. Remember I was renting that work space? The pretty exposed brick wood floor sewing studio? It was kinda a big failure. And I'm still trying to let it go, and visualize that picture that gets passed around. You know, the one with the up and down and backwards line that is success, rather than the straight up line.

I had to try out one of my dreams. I had to try to create that merry little factory I always spoke about. I see now that these "merry little factories" somewhat exist in Los Angeles. They're actually everywhere. People are happy, they work hard. I'm glad and grateful to pay them fairly to make my clothing. I'm not a seamstress or a manager of a sew house, I'm a clothing designer. You cannot do it all. God, I'm finally realizing this. All I can be is me. I will not be a "perfect" being. I'll be the creatively weird, introverted, loyal, over thinking work in progress. I enjoy making clothes and creating Purusha People. Always trying to grow, but yes sometimes frustrated that I must grow so 'effin slow! Ah! Hopefully this means I'll live a long and full life where I never stop trying to find joy in sharing myself with the world.

the internet.

art by broken fingaz

Sometimes I hate the internet.

It's a world where you can put your best self on display, only showing people the pretty parts of your life. It's a world where people get discovered for doing really cool shit, but also get famous for not really doing anything at all. We think we know people because of what they post, and are even friends with people we've never met in "real life".

And I'm kinda really disillusioned with it all. Don't get me wrong, I run an online clothing shop, so I can say I adore some women I've never met. Like, customers and friends from my website and from social media feel SO kindred to me. But I really want more than that. I want to exist in the physical world with you guys. I feel like so much gets lost in the text, in the photos. I want to see you face to face, and build a business beyond this screen. I want more than a virtual reality. I want a real reality.

The internet and real life are such a balance. The web is obviously a huge tool to build your business and connect with people, but it leaves me with a void. I'm longing to develop photos in a dark room (remember those?!) rather than post on instagram, to go on a hike with customers and friends rather than interact with them over email, read books and not facebook comments, and do or create something really cool without feeling the need to document it and share it with everyone on the internet.

That's the really big one for me. What if you make an incredible meal, travel to a new place, meet someone you admire, and don't instagram it!? (Did it really happen then?! Haha!) But for real, I'm truly examining this post-internet part of my brain to see why the frick it is that I want to share share share. I have some friends that don't have much going on social media wise, and crap do I admire that. It's kinda brave in today's society to not be a part of this.

And then you see those people that post everything about their lives on the internet, and that in itself must be such a challenge. Because you are totally vulnerable to all those anonymous people that write dick comments to you, or even non-anonymous people that just want to drag you into their negativity. It's enough to make me want to protect and hide my personal life and only share with people that know and love me.

Balance seems to be always the game of life. Trying to bring it back to the balance. I've met some truly beautiful and kind people because of the internet, I wouldn't have a job without the internet!!! So yeah, I'm extremely grateful for it. It just needs to be moderated for me, that's for sure. It needs to be kept in perspective, and I need to be reminded that it's not reality.

If you have any suggestions on how you find balance between the virtual world and the real world I would love to hear them! And then please, let's get off the computer ;). Xoxo.

Oh! And if you live in the LA area and want to be friends in real life, I'd love to be friends and do something! Email me: hayleylove@gmail.com.

80/20

You guys, I finally figured it out!!!! The secret to happiness! Hahaha!! Lalala!!! My work is done!

Just kidding, it's just started. And it's a lot of work. Happiness for me is actually mostly work. It's 80/20. 80% of my time I do things that are hard and I don't want to do, and 20% of the time I can chill. You really would think happiness lies in, well, lying around and vacationing. Of course I live for those things, that's why I work. It's a paradox, life seems to always be that way. You can't have one thing without the other. Too much working = stress and problems in your personal life, too much chill time = regret and laziness. So there's the balance. You kind of have to tell one of the voices in your head to shut up. Yeah, I get it. You don't want to brush your teeth, or put on sunscreen, or dye clothes, or work out, or make yourself 5 meals a day. WHO CARES. Your happiness doesn't care. It will go away if you get lazy or afraid. The instinct to rest, give in to little luxuries, eat sugar and fat and mate with people is there for a reason, but you can't let it become your #1 interest. Work is #1 for me to live and grow into the beautiful being I'm meant to be. Work, by the way, for me is my passion. It's not drudgery (most of the time!); it's my creativity, my discipline, my soul poured out into something physical. I know I'm really fortunate to do what I do, but I see it's become this because of 80/20. Opportunities arise from putting in the time and effort with your whole heart. 

Just keep it up. Keep doing what you love and all is coming. All is coming...

(P.S. Look at me in this photo. LOL. Star Wars tee, 5 finger shoes, fanny pack, big hat, 2 labs... I don't even know what to say about that.)

accepting.

the getty, los angeles

Do you ever have days when the overwhelmingness of being alive makes you feel like you could burst into tears at any moment? Ok, this is totally a woman thing, but I'm sure men have the same thoughts minus the tears.

This morning I woke up and I just felt heavy. But also in a strange way light because I felt... different.

I've been working really hard at positive thinking and making intentions for the past 2 months. Around 5 days a week I sit on my yoga mat, read, write in my journal, and sit in some sort of intention focused meditation with deep breathing. This sounds cliche, but it's dramatically changing my life. I notice my thoughts so much more than I used to, and I remember to focus on a thought or just become present. It's not an easy thing to do, and I honestly think it's impossible without the daily discipline of sitting and meditating. I stretch a little bit usually to get comfortable sitting, but I don't move through too much asana as it distracts my mind.

So I've been feeling good. I am not 'there', I know this. You are never done growing and learning. But overall I feel better about the decisions I make and how I spend my days. I'm facing fears, but taking baby steps to start. As long as I put in the work, the universe will take care of the rest. I control what I sow to an extent (still have a lot to learn), so what I reap are my intentions coming to life. I'm learning (slowly) to let go of expectations and just BE, DO, HAVE. Be what I want, do the work, and then have the beautiful results (good or bad).

This morning I just had a hard time staying positive. It was my birthday this weekend, and I kinda took a vacation from real life. I ate well, got pampered, and let go of my adult responsible life for 2 days. And today I didn't want it to end, ya know? I sometimes miss youth. I know I'm still young of course, but I can no longer disappear on some adventure or let the day take me where it will. I can no longer be ok with making $0. I can't go back to relying on my parents to take care of me. I can't go back to long lazy summer days with Patrick riding our bikes in the Connecticut countryside, hiking, and going to secluded swimming holes. (I also miss the east coast. I miss weather and empty roads and GREEN and family.) I'm an adult now and my work is most of my life at this moment. I can't disappear into days of spontaneity.

I realize everything is better looking at it from a distance, so I understand I wouldn't be happy if I went back. I had no purpose, I felt like a leaf blowing in the wind. It was fun and leisurely but I felt unhappy about not knowing where I wanted to go. As a "grown up woman" of 31 I need to know where I'm going.

This brings me back to why I feel like I could break down into tears very easily today. It's because of the terribly bittersweet reality that we can't move in time. We can't go backwards, we have to be right here. And right here is just as good, if not better than back there! Ironically, someday I'll look back at my living in this tiny studio apartment in Topanga, CA, working my ass off to create a business I believe in, and wish I could try it out again. Just for a little while. Forgetting all about the dissatisfaction and longing for life to move forward faster. Corners become smoothed when some time as passed.

It's impossible to feel happy, optimistic, and light everyday. We would become machines if we could master our emotions so well. I'm glad to evolve personally in my thinking, but I'm not mad that today I just feel a little sad. It will pass. And hey, some of the best creativity and art comes from times of high emotion. I'm going to go channel my spirit into making some clothing.

May you feel your true self coming through today.

our afternoon at the beach.

Sunday afternoon was Patrick and I's 7th anniversary and Easter so we figured we'd better head on down to Malibu and enjoy our love and the sunshine. Going to the beach with two labs- one being under the age of 1- makes for a very non-relaxing beach day, that's for sure! We just play play play the whole time. And I kinda wouldn't want it any other way. There's nothing like seeing Liam run full speed into the water and run his quick turn fast circles on the shore, fully blind and all. People don't believe us when we say he's blind. ;) Of course Byron thinks Liam is just the coolest too swimming with the waves. Byron's still afraid of the water, but much braver than last time. He swam for the first time, looking as unnatural as possible. We basically have kids, Patrick and I. They hijacked our day! When the time comes to have kids I think we'll be really prepared. Thanks dogs! But seriously, I feel so full and complete with my guys. I'm a lucky lady.

beyond positive thinking.

I've been working pretty hard recently on my positive thinking. And actually trying to go beyond positive thinking and into reality thinking. Each morning last week I read and meditated on my thoughts, on what I believe is my world. Life is only what we are conscious of, we experience what we are convinced is real. That's why we are all different. The world is actually the same, we're for the most part anatomically identical as humans, but how we view life allows the world to be different for each of us.

I kinda got to the point where I was just feeling fed up with floating along, allowing my emotions to guide me blindly. Waking up, checking email, spending time on social media... Getting jealous, stressing out on work, comparing myself to others, wishing I had more or was further along. Just feeling bad often. It's a scientific fact that we remember negative experiences more deeply than positive ones, so it's truly going to be a daily effort for the rest of my life to not let the bad stuff pull me under without me even noticing. You have to put the time in on the mind, just like I put the time in each day to exercise my body. Because, I just really want to feel good. Plain and simple, it's time to feel good.

The mind is SO powerful, and the universe is neutral. It will all flow on with or without me. I can choose to go down the river of life crying and worrying, or I can go down it with health and abundance. We receive only what we believe we are worthy of. The river is always there with as much or as little water as we accept we deserve.

The subconscious mind exists to make the conscious mind right. It doesn't question if something is true or not, it just follows instructions from the conscious mind. If I don't even realize what my conscious mind is thinking about on a daily basis, how can I begin to change my life from the inside out? If my conscious mind tells my self I can't do something, my subconscious will seek justification and ignore opportunities to make it otherwise.

In words this stuff just seems like common sense, but it's hands down the absolute hardest thing to do. This is why I adore characters like Darth Vader, and my Dad. (Haha, because they're so alike!) But seriously, to change the very foundation of who you are, and drop beliefs you once held so strongly because you understand changing will lead you to a life that's free... Well, that's a miracle. Rewiring your mind is nothing short of a miracle. It's uncomfortable, it's a lot of work, it makes you face parts of yourself you'd just rather bury.

But you get to the point where your view of the world is hurting more than it will hurt you to change. It's the craziest thing, but if you just start telling yourself who you want to be, you can become it. Each day I say to myself,

"It's like me to laugh easily."
"It's like me to support all the people around me in whatever they're doing, and not judge where someone else is on their journey."
"It's not like me to compare myself to others."
"It's like me to love instinctively and not worry if I get it back."

At first when I told myself things I thought were lies, like too good to be true, I just laughed. But say something enough times, and you start to see that you like it. You like this person and want to be her. You believe in her, and your subconscious begins seeking opportunities to validate this lovely person.

The key though is daily discipline. I have to keep this up and never look back. I'm not looking back.

IT'S GOOD TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Business is really hard. I can already tell that if I knew how hard it was to do this from the start, I probably wouldn't have began at all. It's good to be naive. And man do I sure feel like I've been naive. 

I'm changing a lot with my business. I've made some mistakes, but I'm proud to say I correct my mistakes pretty fast once I realize them. So that's good, right? One big change for purusha is, we're going to begin producing our more popular styles in an ethical factory in LA, and eventually have everything made "out there". I've found sewing in house to be too costly, timely, and not as perfect as I'd like. Perhaps once the brand has grown bigger I'll go back to having my own factory, but for now it's just not sustainable. This is a pretty big deal, as one of my big dreams for purusha has been to have my own merry sunlit factory. But you know what? In business you have to change your mind. You have to evolve and do what makes the most sense for the livelihood of your business. purusha comes first, and if it's not healthy, how can I employ people? I can't. Producing in a factory will even allow me to lower the cost of my pants, which would be pretty fabulous.

I've been dyeing, screen printing, and overseeing the sewing of my clothing for the past- geez it's been SO long!- almost 5 years! How crazy is that? I am 100% ready to leave the production of my clothing to the experts, and focus on what I think I'm much better at- growing purusha, managing, and designing and branding. That's the kind of stuff I'm excited to wake up for. And leaving production to the pros will just allow purusha to have better products. It's a win win.

Another cool thing about not producing in house is I can turn my factory into a design space/show room where I can meet with buyers and host little purusha events. It could be really cool.

So that's where I'm at right now. My mantras recently have been 'It's good to change your mind.' and 'I'm excited' (not nervous). I can honestly say I'm excited to take purusha in this new direction. It's time!

moon phases.

last week was just obnoxiously full. full moon, full challenges, full schedule. i'm not one to really believe in zodiac stuff or moon phases to affect my life (i think it's fun to talk about and pretend though!), but hot damn! enough full moon!!! patrick and i felt like we were just living in a constant spotlight where we couldn't get any relief.

we love our new pup byron, of course we do. he's just such a handful. it's been so long since liam was little, i sorta forgot how much work a puppy is. he wakes us up ridiculously early by batting our hair like a cat. (he sleeps on the pillows behind our heads. haha, he's a strange one.) byron puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. he bites me hard! he makes me take him outside late night to pee when the moon is the fullest, and i don't realize how stupidly bright it is outside and i'm not wearing pants and of course neighbors are outside on the bench talking and i just try to pull my tee shirt down and act like it's a dress (?) while i'm chasing a puppy around talking about pee and poop.

i'm also participating in the whole life challenge  with a bunch of awesome women at my gym. last week was the first week of 8 where we cut out gluten (another thing i don't believe in for myself, i think gluten free is a fad diet unless you seriously have celiac disease, but that's another blog.), dairy except yogurt, sugar, alcohol, and make sure to exercise and stretch and drink enough water everyday. i feel really good, but i also feel challenged. it's nice to switch up your life a bit and try something new, but i miss pizza. haha! i can tell this will all be so worth it once the 8 weeks are up. 

oh yeah! and i took my first barre class last week! it was super fun and hard! i signed up for a month trial at exhale, so i'm going to whore myself out to all kinds of barre and yoga classes. haha, again, nice to do something different and challenge my body and mind.

and purusha work is just a neverending journey. not complaining in the 'effin slightest (!), but man, running your own business is 24/7. i eat sleep and breath active wear. it's an obsession. working on getting my clothing factory ready and dyed and printed not in house, setting up an ambassador program, making new designs, getting purusha in more stores and having sales reps... oooh it's a lot!

the full moon is pretty though, and the fullness of the challenges in my life right now are a gift. one cool thing with byron waking me up all the time was i got to see that crazy moon in so many ways; directly overhead and beaming down on me, or just about to set on the horizon as the sun is rising. i like to be able to see my life too from these many angles and perspectives. i appreciate the waning and the relief all the more.

color!

pantone's color of the year is radiant orchid!

i'm a little torn on pantone and this whole "color of the year" thing. part of me is like, why does some boardroom of people get to decide what colors are "in" this year? but then part of me just loves color, all colors, and i think this is totally fun. i bought my pantone color book for dyeing and printing a month ago, and i find myself constantly inspired when i open it. it's like the ultimate book of paint swatches! there aren't too many colors i don't like. {ok i don't like army green or lime green.} and i gotta say i LOVE radiant orchid. colors are so therapeutic. when i see this shade of violet i feel mellow, yet excited, warm, in love, and beautiful. what do you feel? do you want to see some radiant orchid in purusha this year? i do! hehe! one thing i love about designing clothing, even something as simple as active wear, is the never ending inspiration. it's limitless. i re-fall in love with images, feelings, styles, and colors everyday. 

our new pup!

this weekend we got out baby byron the second! boy are we in love (and hate! haha!).  he's a cute little angel when he's sleepy, but when he wakes up he's a big devil! he's got this look in his eye that says... 'i'm going to fuck shit up dudes!!!' and he will. i forgot what it was like to have a puppy since liam was one 8 years ago. i forgot how hard it is. poor little guy doesn't know much and just wants to take the entire world in his mouth. literally. he sleeps a lot, plays hard, pees everywhere, and his voice is like some sort of baby ewok. everyday i feel like he's growing too! so much going on in that little body. byron and liam are fast becoming good buds! they play with their toys so nicely together. liam is a total saint- not jealous, happy to share his house and our love, and he even shares his prize bone with byron. we have 2 pretty good boys on our hands. seriously, i could forgo kids and collect a pack of labs. i love my guys! 

speaking of babies, my best friend is having a baby!!!! a human one! i'm soooo beyond excited for her! love you christa!!

hope you all are well and surrounded by love as we enter into 2014. happy new year!